|
Need to get smashed fast? Try the Pepper Live DVD Drinking Game! Not only will it get you smashed fast, it has a two-pronged approach -- a number of rules that will be invoked so often that any one of them could get you drunk off your ass on its own, combined with content that's impossible to enjoy in a sober state. This game is not suggested for children, midgets, small women, old men, or anyone who likes his/her liver. Rules with a $$ symbol next to them are the really dangerous ones -- ignore them if you want to make it out alive.
1. When the band's manager introduces himself as "The Coach", and every time he is referred to as such thereafter, take one shot. Buckle in. You're in for a long, irritating ride.
2. Every time The Coach blows his whistle, take a shot.
3. Every time you wonder where the hell guitarist Kaleo Wassman's bright white baseball cap escaped to, take a shot. $$
4. Every time the camera strays from a hatless Wassman, then comes back a few seconds later to a hat-wearing Wassman, go ahead and voice your confusion. Yell at the TV screen: "Would you just give up on the fucking hat?!" Do a shot while you're at it.$$
5. If you're wondering why Bret Bollinger seems so reluctant to actually play his bass guitar, son, you aren't drunk enough to enjoy the DVD. Go ahead and take a shot.
6. When the band lights up a joint and passes it around, take a shot. Then take another shot for each successive hit.
7. If you actually think lighting a joint on stage makes Pepper rebellious and cool, stop drinking. No more shots for you. You are below the legal drinking age -- if not physically, then mentally.
8. Every time Bollinger sings the word "punani", take a shot. $$
9. Every time Bollinger screams the word "punani", take a shot. Hoo boy. $$
10. Every time Bollinger says the word "punani" in a relatively subdued way, take a shot. Wee! $$
11. Every time Bollinger opens his mouth and you're thinking, "Oh God, he's going to say punani again. Jesus Christ, what in the fuck is with this guy and the word punani? Why can't he at least mix it up? He could say pussy or vagina or vulva or love box or honey pot or money maker or groove thang or fanny or cooze or FOR FUCK'S SAKE STOP SAYING PUNANI! YOU'VE SAID IT ENOUGH," take a shot. $$
12. Every time you go on that mental rant and it turns out he isn't going to say punani, take a shot.
13. Every time you go through that mental rant and it turns out he isn't going to say punani, but then the next word he says is punani, take two shots. Irony hurts like a mother, man.
14. If you manage to get past the band's "wacky antics" long enough to notice the music, take a shot. If you find their punk-meets-reggae style as boring and bland as all reason says you should, take two shots. You'll need it. This isn't just one concert: it's one and a half concerts.
15. Every time you find yourself suspecting that the audience has been coached -- noting the bizarre readiness with which they sing song lyrics and respond to cues from a band you've never even heard of -- contrast their apparently overwhelming enthusiasm with the fact that one person crowd surfs and one tiny mosh pit forms near the back -- take a shot. $$
16. Every time the band brings on a "special guest" and it's just another tired-looking fat guy who sings in the exact same affected, unimpressive guttural "we have islander lineage!" style they do, take a shot.
17. Every time Bollinger tells the crowd to show him their punanis, cringe in horror. Cover your eyes with your hands. Part your fingers a little, and cringe in horror again. It's not as bad as it could be -- instead of their actual vaginas, the crowd is displaying crude simulations made with their hands.
18. Every time you wonder how the women in the audience can possibly be having a good time while Bollinger talks about how much he loves wet, sticky punani, take a shot. $$
19. Every time Bollinger actually yells at the audience to applaud, or is visibly irritated by the fact that they have failed to sing a lyric for him or something like that, take a shot. Sigh heavily. Check the time. Start preparing your favorite hangover remedy for tomorrow. You're going to need it.
20. When the band gets all the women in the house to climb up on stage and dance for an encore the band clearly instructed the audience to demand, and Bollinger talks about all the fantastic punani that he is drowning in, briefly consider suicide. Thank God you left the gun locked up for the night. Realize you've become a feminist. Wonder why on earth the women don't seem to mind being talked about solely in terms of their sexual organs. Start to write a heartfelt letter complaining to Pepper that you wish you'd never watched their DVD, telling them point blank that they are mediocre musicians, imploring them to consider treating women in the audience with a little more respect. Briefly consider asking what their secret with women is, come to think of it, but ultimately decide you'd rather take the higher road. Toss the Pepper Live DVD in the garbage. Crumple up the letter and toss that out, too. Reach for the shot glass one last time. Pass out as your fingertips graze the room-temperature glass. Wake up the next afternoon and ask yourself why. Why?
-- Mike Meginnis
| 
