Kaiju Big Battel: Terebi Sento Redline Entertainment DVD (2003) $14.98 For more information, visit Kaiju.com.

We've all had a very lucky escape. A host of massive, slavering, planet-crushing monsters -- known to fans of Japanese pop culture as "kaiju" -- have been persuaded to settle their myriad differences in a series of tournament-style "battels". And we puny humans get to watch.

Or at least that's the idea behind Kaiju Big Battel, a vibrant hybrid of monster movie, professional wrestling and performance art. If you live in Massachusetts or New York, you may have been lucky enough to witness a Kaiju Big Battel event -- Studio Kaiju (or, if you prefer, the Kaiju Commission) has been staging them every few months since 1996, and they routinely draw far-beyond-sellout crowds. And why wouldn't they? If you've ever watched old reruns of Spectreman and wished you could witness the city-crushing fun first hand, Kaiju Big Battel is for you. What kind of dullard wouldn't want to spend an evening watching people in lovingly-assembled (albeit threadbare) monster costumes slugging it out in a ring filled with built-to-scale skyscrapers and factories? And besides, Big Battel's back story -- a complex web of peculiar characters, alliances, betrayals, revelations and disturbing romantic interludes -- is smarter, funnier and less latently homoerotic than professional wrestling.

The Kaiju folks have produced and sold videos of their Battels in the past, but Terebi Sento is their first widely-distributed release (and their first DVD) -- so this will be the first chance for folks in America's Heartland to experience the awe and wonder of Kaiju Big Battel...unless you count the second or so of Kaiju material that appears in the Tropical Sprite Remix commercial.

Terebi Sento, shot at 2001's "Mayhem in the Atrium V" event, features four exciting "fightos" enhanced with sound and video effects that reinforce the whole "epic battle between massive monsters" concept. Framing this footage is "Terebi Sento" itself -- a Sportscenter-style post-Battel show shot on a monster-toy-strewn set, featuring ring announcer Louden Noxious, the diminutive but tonsorially well-endowed Referee Jingi, and Kaiju villain-turned-gadabout Dino Kang Jr., whose screeching commentary is one of the video's best running gags. The trio reviews each fighto at length, commenting on technique and filling in behind-the-scenes information on rivalries and previous Battels. While this material could have benefitted from a firmer hand at the editing stage, it definitely enhances the immersive Kaiju Big Battel storyline.

The first fighto is a good example of Kaiju Big Battel's sublime extremes: the rogue Kung Fu Chicken Noodle (once a factory worker, now a giant mutated can of soup with legs and arms) squares off against good guy Club Sandwich (yup, a giant sandwich). If you can't get behind the idea of a can of soup and a sandwich pounding the crap out of each other in a wrestling ring full of breakaway model buildings, it's probably time you gave up your "hipster" status and started listening to Rush Limbaugh every day. In retrospect, the soup/sandwich slugfest is probably the DVD's least impressive fighto -- after all, a person in a giant sandwich costume has a limited range of movement -- but adds a vibrant new dimension to a classic lunchtime rivalry.

Next up is a stirring moment: heroes Los Plantanos (a pair of heroic, freedom-fighting, facial-hair-sporting plantains from South America) tackle the intergalactic menace of Team Space Bug, represented by the sinister Mota Naru and the voracious, Lovecraftian-looking Sky Deviller. They're competing for the Golden Banana Award for Tag Team Excellence, which Dino Kang Jr. is on hand to present -- but when Los Plantanos win the Award, Team Space Bug turn out to be sore losers! In one of the DVD's best moments, Dino Kang Jr. is severely (and hysterically) injured (yes, spurting blood and all), Team Space Bug snatches the award and it's up to Los Plantanos to shut down the intergalactic interlopers, retrieve the Golden Banana and restore peace and justice to Kaiju Big Battel. They do this in a pleasingly acrobatic manner, reminding us that there's some truly challenging physical art going on here, enhanced by suitably bombastic post-production effects. Dino Kang Jr's in-studio post mortem interview is the icing on the cake.

Fighto number three adds romance and intrigue to the mix. It's a three-way Battel between goodies Dusto Bunny (literally an enormous dust bunny, only much grosser-looking) and the Stars-and-Stripes-bedecked American Beetle, and Team Space Bug member Mung Wun. The fun here comes less from the actual Battel than from the plotline it advances: a dazed and battered Mung Wun gives birth to a glowing egg mid-way through the match, and there's some doubt as to whether the father is a good guy or a baddie. Can WWE Smackdown offer this kind of intrigue? Certainly not (although out-of-wedlock births and contested paternity will be familiar subject matter to most professional wrestling fans).

In the final fighto, evil Team Space Bug captain Uchu Chu confronts the equally nefarious supervillain Dr. Cube, Kaiju Big Battel's "Big Bad" (he of the cube-shaped head, the square-skull-and-crossbones symbol and the rampant megalomania), for the Kaiju Championship Belt. Both villains attempt to bribe "guest" Kaiju Super Akuma in order to gain the upper hand; the combatants are bruised, battered with ladders and thrown through buildings, and the fighting is once again impressively acrobatic (and painful-looking). Just when it seems as if Dr. Cube will win the day, the mysterious Kaiju Commissioner intercedes and makes a shocking announcement: Kaiju hero Silver Potato (literally a man-sized, foil-wrapped, break-dancing baked potato, because hey, why not?) has returned, accompanied by the other Kaiju heroes, to deliver a much-needed can of whup-ass to the villains. As this happens, we're treated to a bewildering montage of Silver Potato footage and a song, "Peel Me Now", written in his honor. In true J-pop fashion, it's absolutely impenetrable, and the Battel ends amidst rampant confusion and a flood of joke credits, many of which are actually funny.

Of course, there's a lot more to Terebi Sento. We're treated to a number of odd Kaiju commercials between fightos, several of which don't make a bit of sense outside their original context. There's also a music video by Piebald (who performed at the end of Mayhem in the Atrium V), lots of background material on Kaiju Big Battel and trailers for other events.

It would be foolishly optimistic to expect perfection from Kaiju Big Battel's first DVD outing, and accordingly, Terebi Sento isn't flawless. For one thing, it's a very short disc; there's probably not more than 90 minutes of material here, although it's priced accordingly. The DVD menus are a bit buggy, and the extras are pretty limited. Most disappointing, however, is the fact that Mayhem in the Atrium V is more than two years old; it would've been nice to see something newer, as more recent Big Battels are reportedly far more elaborate. Still, Terebi Sento is the Kaiju crew's first mass-market outing, and if it does well, they have plenty of material on hand for future volumes.

Honestly, if you leave Terebi Sento without a crazy grin on your face and a nagging urge to buy a Los Plantanos t-shirt, you've probably lost all appreciation for life's glorious absurdity. There's still time to save you, though -- extended exposure to Kaiju Big Battel should do the trick. Remember, danger can happen -- and monster-themed wrestling matches are your best entertainment value.

-- George Zahora