The fact that we're running the Roskilde Festival logo should alert you to the fact that our man on the scene didn't take any photos of the bands. We've no idea what this tomfoolery is all about, either, but it's good for a laugh.

"Bitchslapping, hospanking, gangsta trashers! Yeah Yeah! Cheers!"

Yes, the creativity isn't lacking at this year's Roskilde Festival and certainly not among the homeboys. Basically located at a huge field, 30 miles outside of Copenhagen, the Roskilde Festival annually attracts nearly 80,000 people -- about half are from Denmark, about a quarter are from Sweden and the rest are mostly from Germany and Norway. Not many Americans, but I have "brought" a few over a couple of times and they really enjoyed it.

The festival consists of four days of music and the performances of 150 bands. That's the main event, but it's certainly not the only one. Sure, you can play street basket, join a foosball game, sit in a truck with the familiar Playstation pad in your hands, or join many of the other semi-organized activities. But -- and more importantly -- you're free to create your own endeavors, something most people prefer. At Roskilde, you can do everything. At least it's close. You have to see it to believe it. Like the nude Swedes that played petanque last year during the middle of the day, the Festival is full of little experiences and events.

The set-up consists of a parking lot, a camping area and the "festival area" where there are six music stages. People typically put up their tents up the weekend before the music starts. Some stay, and some (like ourselves) return to Copenhagen.

We put our tent and pavilion up on the Sunday before the Festival and went home again, crossing our fingers, hoping that the "villa" size tent would last until Wednesday evening. Fortunately it mostly did. But the wind had apparently taken the life of our pavilion, so it was replaced. Swift justice characterizes the festival.

For the next five days this became our own little world. Our neighbors were two self-proclaimed dykes (to use their expression) who turned out to be great drinking buddies. Then there were some fairly quiet Swedish high-school kids behind our "camp", and we also became friends with "Tattoo Mick" and his 40-year old inner city peeps across from us. Nice guys.

At the Roskilde Festival you're allowed to bring your own beverages to the camping area. I find this to be a great asset -- forget about paying for watered-down $5.00 Lollapalooza Budweisers. So, naturally, we brought some beer. Actually, quite a lot. You're not allowed to bring bottles, or cans for that matter, into the "festival area" -- but you are welcome to pour your drinks into a cup and bring them inside. Again, it is a quite good principle and it shows the organizers haven't become too greedy. It's part of the spirit. (Staging a lot of big names -- The White Stripes, Kent, Spiritualized, Garbage, Junior Senior, Nelly Furtado and Travis -- on Sunday evening in order to cash in on the pricey Sunday-only tickets is greedy. On the other hand, it's decent that it's the only day where you can buy a one-day ticket.)

Crowd management systems have spoiled some of the Festival atmosphere. I won't go more into that. I will send my condolences to the families of the people who suffocated during a Pearl Jam concert at Roskilde few years back. Generally, the festival is quite peaceful.

So what's the conclusion after four/five days of boozing away? Well, I'm unquestionably a few brain cells lighter (the weak ones, you know) but I'm certainly also a lot of experiences richer. Experiences that are unpredictable and that can only be acquired once a year. The weather wasn't too bad so the mud (the proper Danish term is "smat") didn't conquer us like it did a few years back. People are generally very friendly and don't seem to be overly predisposed to drugs. Overall, 35 people were arrested and 404 were injured; that's pretty good, considering the hefty crowd. Furthermore, the recycling system is setting new standards every year and you can survive (most) trips to the bathrooms.

You might be wondering about the music experiences; Splendid is a music magazine, after all. Certainly. Well, honestly, I didn't retain a lot information at the concerts this year. So I suppose that actually makes me a substandard reporter. Hmmm. Overall, the music wasn't that great, but we did have some excellent tracks in our boom box (does good music consume more batteries? How does that work?). Is that good enough for you readers? I didn't think so.

I did see Red Hot Chili Peppers play in pouring rain on Friday night. They didn't do very well (in my humble opinion, at least). But that's the fun of writing this (hah). I think actually a lot of people enjoyed the RHCP show and I suppose it's often like that. Some of their new tracks fell through, and some of the older ones didn't really hit the proper tones. Most of all, however, the band seemed to lack energy - they looked kind of old. They did come through strongly on "Parallel Universe", perhaps because the rain ironically provided the perfect setting. After the concert, most of the audience looked like drowned mice.

Chemical Brothers, aka "Frére Chemicale", weren't really my cup of tea on Thursday night, either. It's kinda awkward for a band to play live concerts in the first place, because it's impossible to tell if everything has been preprogrammed for the occasion. Sure, the bass was enormous. They played their hit songs. But anybody with a CD player could have done that. The official festival paper -- Gaffa -- described them as being "machine-like".

I was more keen to groove along to Weekend Players -- Groove Armada producer Andy Cato's group. They played a funky and energizing set ranging from house-influenced dance music to more traditional pop flavors. Lead singer Rachel Foster and the rest of the ensemble seemed to be enjoying themselves along with the audience. Some might find that their live show has too much variety in terms of the musical influences, but to me it was a breath of fresh air.

Except for the aforementioned, I won't make a lot of comments on the established artists playing at Roskilde. I will say that Pet Shop Boys shouldn't be allowed to play the largest stage -- the huge orange canopy -- again. But it must be cost-effective when you're a "band" and you only have to bring your keyboard and a suit. It's a sin. But as always, you can opt out anytime. There are plenty of opportunities.

The festival's Chill-Out offering was perfect if you needed to recharge your batteries. It was actually the seventh stage of the festival. The ground was covered by sand covers ground and there were sandbags to lay on while your ears chewed on slow but nicely merged beats. But if you weren't careful, you'd wake up later with sand in your ears -- conceivably something to do with the, at minimum, passive smoking experience.

Although the Roskilde Festival began as a rock festival, line-ups have had a lot of variety in recent years. Within the electronica genre, I decided to put my specs on for Kitbuilders and S.I. Futures.

Kitbuilders are from Cologne, Germany and own Vertical Records. Their live offering consisted mostly of electro-pop, with occasional punk-inspired elements. I really dig electro sounds mixed up with harder Detroit techno and pop-influences from the 1980s. I thought it was great to see a band that actually took pride in making a live show out of their electronic compositions -- an accomplishment that I also find at Basement Jaxx shows (Basement Jaxx, incidentally, gave a mesmerizing performance at last year's festival). The subsequent show, by producer Simon Begg, aka S.I. Futures, took things a little further. The concept behind Begg's latest venture is an anti-consumer/mass culture attack on corporate business culture; the album even includes its own Mission Statement. The accomplishment of Begg's music is its mix of the simple (Kraftwerk-influences) and the complex (collages of drum'n'bass, sampled beats and original old-school electro). The show confirmed, at best, that S.I. Futures is scattered all over the electronic genre. I didn't detect much of an attack on the corporate world, although the audience would probably have been receptive to such things.

The sound man responsible for the Anti-Pop Consortium concert gets a middle finger for a horrible performance. The New York quartet was formed back in 1997 and after releasing their latest album on UK's Warp label, they've acquired quite a high profile. Naturally, expectations were high. But as mentioned, the sound was horrible. I call it the "hip hop concert syndrome" -- the vocals are too loud and the music is far too low. It's the reason why hip hop usually sounds better on your stereo at home than at concerts. It's not that the band members didn't try -- it just wasn't enough. I decided to sit outside and enjoy a welcome visit from the sun while listening to the second part of their performance.

So now I'm home again. I actually felt a little bit like a stranger when I walked in the door. Back to the real world again. But I'm ready to go to back -- I just have to save up my energy for a year!

Article and, we assume, photos by Martin Schultz