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What band did you listen to most during the eighties? Do you still like them?
Joe Haege: REM, I guess. I was victim of what my older brother liked. I mean, c'mon, I grew up in the '80s, so my music taste went from Duran Duran and Corey Hart to Fugazi in the same decade!
What is your worst memory of elementary school? Of high school?
Joe Haege: I was finally picked by the cool jock kids to play soccer. It was late fall in the Midwest, so it was rather cold. Well, I crapped my pants about two minutes into the game. I had to go to the
school nurse and have her give me some "emergency" pants from the supposedly washed lost and
found. They were rust-colored corduroys that were floods. By the way, floods were not cool for a kid in the early '80s.
You're about to -- ahem -- get lucky. What album is playing in the background? Why'd you choose it?
Joe Haege: Okay, I'm a total fuckin' shithead...but probably Scribabin. He's a Russian composer from the turn of the century. Yeah, I know, it's no Marvin Gaye, but goddamn, it is some fucking over the top insane music to have sex to.
What was the first thing you ever shoplifted? Why did you take it?
Joe Haege: I stole a Whatchamacallit bar. Why? Because I was a fat kid who wanted another candy bar after the one my mom had purchased for me.
If you could beat up anyone in the world and get away without the usual annoying real-world consequences -- jail time, lawsuits, bad press, etc. Who would it be, and why?
Joe Haege: George W. Bush... no explanation needed.
What's the biggest risk you've ever taken? Why did you take it?
Joe Haege: Drinking a 40 oz. of Old English, taking a hit of acid and drinking a bottle of Robitussin Clear Extra Strength cough syrup. Why? Because I think I wanted to not be in my head. And don't think I thought about the part of it being a "risk". Only now do I see it as such.
It's better to regret something you have done than it is to regret something you haven't done. What do you regret doing (other than agreeing to answer these questions)? Why did you do it?
Joe Haege: Being in a Denny's my Junior year of high school and seeing the homo thespian kid of our class and standing up and yelling "Hey, so and so, I hear you're gay!" That one would've haunted me 'til my death had I not had a chance to apologize to his face. He accepted. And I think that was the time I realized how utterly pointless and cruel any form of hate really is.
Did you go to your high school prom? If so, who did you go with?
Joe Haege: I went with my girlfriend and my stoner friends. I didn't have to drive, so I was smoking pot and drinking in the back of the car. When we got to the restaurant and everyone wanted to see if we could hopefully get served booze, I was first to order and I got a Shirley Temple, because I was about to puke.
What movie would you recommend to absolutely anyone? Why?
Joe Haege: The Straight Story. It's a slice of America, family and life. Not to mention anyone familiar with David Lynch would catch the couple shots that are almost subliminally weird.
For reasons we won't bother going into right now, you're going to be locked in the back of a truck for a sixteen hour drive between gigs. If you could have any musician, past or present, back there to keep you company, who would it be?
Joe Haege: Oh, God, most musicians I can think of would probably drive me fucking nuts! they would all be total head-cases. Let's say Archie Shepp. I think he would be charismatic as all hell. Not to mention intelligent, and I love everything I've ever heard of his.
What is your strongest, most unshakeable belief?
Joe Haege: Human beings are the tiniest blips of existence, but we're all afraid to admit it.
What's the worst band you've ever heard? Why do they suck?
Joe Haege: You realize you're asking people in bands that tour? This is simply impossible to answer. I would max out the hard drive of my computer with this one.
If you were a porn star, what would your "porn name" be?
Joe Haege: Mr. Mediocre.
You're on your way to a show, and all of a sudden you find yourself in the middle of a huge four-way battle between pirates, ninjas, robots and intelligent apes from the future. Your only hope of getting to your gig is to pick a side. Who do you join, and why?
Joe Haege: Apes from the Future! They would take one look at me and just tell me to hold their flag or something.
If you could sponsor any beverage -- appear in their ads, receive a lifetime supply and never be seen drinking a competing product -- what beverage would it be?
Joe Haege: Stumptown Coffee, of Portland, OR. I'm not kidding. It's that fucking good.
What's the best venue you've ever played? What's the worst? Why?
Joe Haege: The best venue...I like the Casbah in San Diego quite a bit. The worst? Once again...do you
realize you're asking touring bands? Impossible question!
What's wrong with Rolling Stone these days?
Joe Haege: They are not dead.
Why are frogs amusing?
Joe Haege: Because they have a vacant stare and their "signature sound" is like a miniature belch.
You've traveled back in time and met yourself, age sixteen. What do you think?
Joe Haege: Um, embarrassed, impressed, empathetic, embarrassed.
Which would be worse: three hours on a bus full of four year-olds, or three hours on a bus full of eighty year-olds? Why?
Joe Haege: God, either one is kind of like hell. However, the chances are pretty good that one might find at
least one decent 80 year-old. You know, one that has some wisdom and stories about life that I
would find entertaining. Whereas a four year old would just make me want to throw it out the
window.
The US government is considering far more aggressive regulation of leather pants. Under the new rules, who should or shouldn't be allowed to wear them?
Joe Haege: Only high-ranking government officials that live in secret bunkers deep underground.
What, in your opinion, is the best porn?
Joe Haege: The kind with no stupid one-liners or attempts at plots or attempts at being funny. The kind where it's kind of quick-cut scenes and good '70s music. I've only seen one like this, but, man, it gave porn a very good name in my book.
What food item could you eat every day for the rest of your life without getting bored of it? What's so good about it?
Joe Haege: Chicken burritos. There is no explanation necessary for this. It's a chicken burrito. It's common
knowledge that it is one of the few divine gifts humanity was granted from the heavens.
Will the next Star Wars movie suck? Why or why not?
Joe Haege: Yes, if they couldn't get it right with their "dark one" (Attack Of The Clones), then the next one
is just going to be more candy garbage. But for kids, they're all great!
How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?
Joe Haege: I don't know. Ask me after I've gone down a couple more.
Everyone's replacing their least-favorite body parts with cybernetic ones. Which part(s) of your body would you replace?
Joe Haege: My stomach and/or a more proportionate ass.
What topics or statements would inspire you to call in to a talk radio program?
Joe Haege: Nothing. All anyone
ever does is add to the fodder pool. They just cut you off as soon as you make the host look like
an idiot.
What album(s) should everyone be given on their eighteenth birthday?
Joe Haege: The White Album or Naked City. Either one would be handed to the young one while they're
told "Shut up. Just listen to it."
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From the 54° 40' or Fight web site:
Amateurism in indie rock is dead. These boys
can play! Better still, they write incredible songs.
Passion and intensity are communicated so
much more effectively when a sense of clarity
is introduced. That and an endless stream of amazing ideas ought to help continue to get
the point across. Whatever the point, Portland's 31knots will drive it home with heart, panache, chops and exquisite taste.
-- George Zahora
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