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We've all heard variations on the phrase "there are two kinds of people in the world... Those who (do or think something) and those who (do or think something else)". What are the two kinds of people in the world for you?
Ali Smith: Ex-boyfriends and future ex-boyfriends.
If money/ambition/significant others/et cetera were all non-issues, where would you choose to live and why?
Ali Smith: I would choose to live in a $4 million loft in NYC and
to summer in Italy, but I'm not sure it would choose
me.
You've been given the money and resources to produce a movie biography of the most significant, influential person in your life. Who's it about, what's the story, and who plays the central character?
Ali Smith: I guess I'd have to say God... And Johnny Depp would
play him. Do you really have to ask why?
Summarize your driving ability in 25 words or less.
Ali Smith: The slower the better.
What is the function of your music in a capitalist society?
Ali Smith: To exist as a pit into which I can pour money hand
over fist ad nauseum.
You've just entered a contest in which the prize is an MP3 player loaded with the complete, exhaustive recorded output of any artist you choose. You win. Who do you choose?
Ali Smith: Frida Kahlo.
What are you carrying on your person -- in your pockets, purse, et cetera -- right now?
Ali Smith: Tax receipts, tax receipts, tax receipts, gum and tax
receipts.
You're on tour, you're in an unfamiliar city, you haven't eaten in 24 hours, and due to some poor financial decisions, you have only a single unit of the local currency -- one dollar, one pound, or thereabouts. What do you eat?
Ali Smith: Have you been on tour with me? This is eerily
familiar. The answer is whatever you can grab off of
your bandmates' plates while they're in the can.
What was the last song you danced to? Who, if anyone, did you dance with?
With Rudolph Nureyev to The Nutcracker Suite. It's
true, although it's a lie that it was the last time I
danced to a song. It happened about 18 years ago. But
it made for the best answer.
When did you last make a mountain out of a molehill?
Ali Smith: Should I narrow it down to minutes?... Or nanoseconds?
Always!
Post-Schwarzenegger, are there any high-profile people you'd like to see run for governor or other high office? Who and why?
Ali Smith: I didn't want to see him run. No, I don't want more
actors in politics.
Apart from cheeseburgers, what is the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast?
Ali Smith: Lard.
You receive a series of e-mails stating that Grace Jones, Junior Brown, Missy Elliott, Ian MacKaye and Philip Glass are interested in a collaboration. How do you respond to each request?
Ali Smith: Why, when, how, ummmmmmm... once.
Have you ever seen a ghost? Or a dead body? Tell us about it.
Ali Smith: Yup. Saw a smiling dead naked man who'd just jumped
out a window. No-one else was there yet. Just me, him
and my boyfriend. He looked peaceful. It was so sad.
Everyone can do at least a couple of decent imitations -- of celebrities, maybe, or associates, friends and family. Who can you "do"?
Ali Smith: I only do Australians. Steve (boyfriend) likes me to
pretend I'm Kylie Minogue and demand he give me sex
and a Fosters.
Let's assume that God is a DJ. What's on his playlist right now?
Ali Smith: "Another One Bites the Dust", heralding the ousting of one George Bush as president. (These answers were written before the election -- Ed.)
Who was your favourite teacher in high school? Why?
Ali Smith: Babette Holland, my art teacher, because I could do
the strangest, most disturbing piece of art and she'd
run through the school celebrating it and telling all
the teachers they had to see it.
What is your favorite Meg Ryan movie?
Ali Smith: The one where she's flattened by a runaway
steamroller. Oh, they haven't made that yet? I guess
it's just my dream Meg Ryan movie. No, actually I
think she's as cute as two buttons.
What is your favorite "comfort food" when you're on tour?
Ali Smith: Whiskey.
What essential item are you most likely to leave at home when you're heading out on tour? What do you do about it?
Ali Smith: Enough underpants. I try not to sweat.
Aliens have just landed, and you get to select the earth's goodwill ambassador. Who do you pick, and why?
Ali Smith: George Bush. Because maybe they'll take him back to
their planet.
You wake up one morning and discover that you have dolphin telepathy. What do you do with it?
Ali Smith: I use it to telepathically commit myself to an insane
asylum and to telepathically not tell anyone I have
it.
You've just been hit in the face with a large chocolate cream pie. How do you react?
Ali Smith: By hitting myself in the face with two scoops of
vanilla ice cream.
Assuming that you must choose one, which would you rather listen to for an hour: Christian rock, mainstream country or Jessica Simpson?
Ali Smith: Is it Jessica Simpson saying stupid things? I'll pick
that.
What's the deal with those damn raccoons?
Ali Smith: Don't get me started.
What would you consider to be the worst fate imaginable for your music, and which contemporary artist would you most wish this terrible end upon?
Ali Smith: Hmm... I don't know. George Bush campaign anthem? I'd
wish that on... NWA?
What is sexy?
Ali Smith: Funny is sexy. Good dads are sexy. Sex is sexy.
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In addition to making great music with Steve Almaas, Ali Smith is a celebrated photographer. Check out her work at AliSmith.com.
-- George Zahora
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