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Various religions suggest that there's a "special" hell for certain sins (hurting children, being cruel to animals, using the word "blog" as a verb, etc). Who else needs a "special" hell?
Nick Porter: People who pop their collars belong in "special hell". Not only is it pointless, you look like an idiot. Special mention goes to those who wear pink polo shirts. You don't deserve to go to hell because it's feminine or because of the homosexual stigma attached to it. You deserve to go to hell because two years ago, if you wanted to wear a pink shirt, you never would have done it. Now, since it's all the rage, you are sure to do it.
Due to poor financial planning, you've got to eat for an entire week on only US$10. What do you buy, food-wise?
Nick Porter: Ramen Noodle would get the job done. Special mention goes to Campbell's Pork and Beans in a can, because I just bought some of those from Wal-Mart the other day for 36 cents a can.
What's the biggest misconception that people have about you?
Nick Porter: Some guy: "I love this band!"
Me: "Oh, that's awesome. What's their name? What do they sound like?"
Some guy: "Oh, you know, I don't think you'd like it... it has singing and stuff and it's not that heavy."
Me: You do realize that I enjoy more than just heavy music, right?
Some guy: "Yeah, well..." (Continues eating doughnut and changes subject.)
What's the worst injury you've ever suffered for your art (i.e. second degree burns from shorted-out mic, broken leg from failed stage dive)? Tell us about it.
Nick Porter: We busted into our first song of the set, and I completely tripped and fell into some kid in the audience. Not only did I look like a complete jackass, but I sprained my ankle and did not recover for quite some time. But... once at a practice our old bassist had a seizure and basically flew across the room. I'm not exaggerating. It was like he flew.
You've got unlimited funding and technical expertise to make an IMAX movie on the topic of your choice. What do you choose? Describe the obligatory vertigo-inducing camera shot that makes the entire audience clutch their stomachs.
Nick Porter: I'd examine how trends die, and then become popular two decades later. Examples, you ask? During the '90s, dance music became insanely popular and girls began wearing stuff like floral prints and bell bottoms. Now it's 2005 and glam metal bands are suddenly cool again, and bands like the Crue are doing their reunions and people are actually going to see them. Mark my words, when 2018 rolls around, most of you will be in the front row to see 50 year old members of Korn rocking out at Madison Square Garden for $95 a ticket. Maybe the vertigo inducing shot would be shirtless middle-aged women in the audience flashing devil horns.
You've locked your car keys inside the tour van and don't have AAA. How do you get the door open?
Nick Porter: Be like a real man, and punch the glass with my bare hand. After ripping the shards of glass out of my flesh with my teeth, I'll dump gasoline on the wound and light it on fire to prevent infection. Then I'll tell a bunch of kids that I got pissed at the "man" for "holding us down, bro" and I punched a mirror. Hopefully someone will feel bad for me and then start a Paypal account that encourages donations for my medical bills.
Ever find useful stuff in the garbage? Describe your best-ever dumpster find and how you used it.
Nick Porter: Great question. When I was, like, 10, my neighbor, who was, like, 75, thought he accidentally threw his wedding band out when he dumped the trash in the dumpster. He asked me to hop in there for him, and like a 10 year-old I did. I found this sweet wooden baseball bat in there and took it home. By the way, he actually left his wedding ring on his kitchen counter.
In the UK, trying to kill the Queen is still technically a capital offence. If the Queen tried to commit suicide and failed, could she be sentenced to death? Explain.
Nick Porter: Those who really want to kill themselves get the job done the first time. Otherwise, just ask for help and don't do the cry for help thing where you slice your wrist with a butter knife and then go to every length to make sure everyone sees it. The Sex Pistols are awesome, by the way.
If you were a 50ft high Tyrannosaurus Rex, would you use your powers for good or evil? Who would you go after first?
Nick Porter: These are some insane questions! I love them! Anyway, I have no idea how to answer this. I'd probably trash every magazine on the newsstands, basically because I don't read a single one of those things or watch TV that much at all and I still know absolutely every fucking detail about Brad and Jennifer breaking up and Angelina being thrown in there somewhere. Isn't that messed up? By the way, as of the writing of this, I heard that Brad and Angelina have had their first fight.
You've decided to write a musical. What's it about and who's the star?
Nick Porter: Ha! It would be about the total bullshit bands go through in order to try and make their gig full time. Tons of scenes featuring promoters who think that they have to pay themselves before they pay traveling bands that need gas money... and a big ups to the promoters who ask us to headline their shows, then tell everyone we are rock stars when we ask for a guarantee to fill our gas tank. After all, you asked us to headline because you thought that we could bring the most people in out of any band on the bill, so why should you share any of the money you see out of that with us? Oh, and who cares if some of us took off work to play -- we don't have bills or anything. I'd love to play the lead role in this one!
What's your favorite board game? Why do you like it?
Nick Porter: Anything with trivia. These games give me the chance to spew all the useless things I know.
Everyone likes at least one cheesy/crappy song that totally kills their cred. What's yours?
Nick Porter: I'm not ashamed to admit to listening to anything. But I understand what you're asking. As of now, I really dig that Fallout Boy track.
The standard touring vehicle is always a beat-up van. What has been the worst/weirdest method of conveyance you've had to use on a tour?
Nick Porter: Uh, at one point only one of us had a car and it was a like a 1992 Corolla or something. All five of us piled in with heads on our laps and all the drum hardware all over the place and showed up to the show asking to use everyone's amps. Boy was that exciting.
What was the best meal you were supplied by a tour venue? What was the worst?
Nick Porter: I think we fall under the "non applicable" category here. That's never happened.
Will it ever truly be possible to "rock the vote", or will apathy, indifference and laziness always triumph over activism?
Nick Porter: Let's talk about P. Diddy's "Vote Or Die" campaign.
Diddy: "Hey you! Yeah! You! The uneducated-on-the-issues 18 year-old who has no clue what today's date is, let alone what two political candidates believe in or what issues they stand by. I want you to vote! Who cares if you don't now anything about world politics or current affairs, vote anyway! Or I'll kill you!
Second place in this department goes to Fat Mike from NOFX for trying to rally the 14 year olds who see his band at Warped Tour into voting even though they can't even get their driver's license yet.
The correct answer is "apathy, indifference, and laziness will always triumph over activism."
You discover a new disease, "(Your name here)'s Syndrome". What are its symptoms? What is the cure for "(Your name here)'s Syndrome"?
Nick Porter: Diseases are not anything to laugh about and I'm being totally serious right now. I don't want to even think about a new disease. I'm constantly worried about getting sick.
You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about. What would you like to cry about?
Nick Porter: They are re-making that awesome movie The Warriors. No matter what way you cut it, it's going to be horrendous.
If you could watch one historical event re-enacted by a cast of chimpanzees, which one would it be, and why?
Nick Porter: When people think of historic events, don't they always think of bad things? I guarantee they do. It's always like a war or something, or some race or culture being mass murdered. My band's first band practice would be cool, though. Chimp's dressed like us. Yeah, I like where this is going.
What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen (and don't choose one of your own)?
Nick Porter: Weird as it might sound, I saw Dave Grohl's arm once and I thought it was pretty cool what he had done. I don't know, barb wire across the bicep is Br00tal.
How long after an unopened gallon of milk's "use-by" date has passed would you be willing to use it?
Nick Porter: I'm lactose intolerant! Non-applicable! Next question!
What is the most unusual item you've thrown up on/in?
Nick Porter: My hand.
Do you prefer the term "underwear" or "underpants"? What does that say about you?
Nick Porter: They aren't pants, so screw that. I have nothing pseudo-witty here to say so I'm going to leave this one alone.
You've been asked to submit an anecdote or "tip" to a book called Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned On Tour With My Band. What do you tell them?
Nick Porter: The first few days, you spend the money you brought with you pretty carelessly. Towards the end, you're angry if you have to throw a quarter in for a toll. My advice: spend as wisely as you can.
What basic freedoms are you prepared to give up in exchange for your and your family's safety?
Nick Porter: I'll do anything to protect my family. And I don't mean that in the cheesy cliché hardcore thing-I'm-going-yell-before-the-breakdown sort of way.
Due to a breakthrough in technology, it's possible to learn any skill, no matter how complex, pretty much instantly, by uploading the information directly into your brain (yes, like in The Matrix). Unfortunately, you can only do it once. What skill would you learn, and why?
Nick Porter: I'd be trained in every sort of hand to hand combat that exists. That would be neat.
Not to be morbid, but let's assume that (a) you've died, and (b) you filled out an organ donor card and potential recipients are lining up. Which part of your body do you think will be most sought-after? Are there any bits no-one will want?
Nick Porter: (insert penis joke here)
A long-lost possession has turned up on Ebay, and you're prepared to pay much more than it's worth just to finally get it back. What is it? Why is it worth so much to you?
Nick Porter: When I was four years old my dad gave me this baseball that was signed by some professional baseball player. For some reason, he thought I was old enough to appreciate it, or take care of it. Anyway, I lost the thing, like, two hours later and to this day, I still don't remember who it was signed by because I've never wanted to ask him/remind him about it. I'd probably pay as much as it was worth due to the signature.
You've been given the resources and financial backing to create a new satellite TV network that caters specifically to your tastes and the tastes of people like you. What's it called, and what does it show?
Nick Porter: It already existed at one point. It was called MTVX and played heavy music all day long without any commercials.
There are literally hundreds of euphemisms for masturbation. What's the best one you've heard?
Nick Porter: Flogging the dolphin. I like the word "flog." I just think it sounds funny.
Which is worse: downloading an album and burning copies for five friends, or shoplifting one physical copy of the same CD from an overpriced national retailer? Explain your answer.
Nick Porter: Stealing a CD from a national retailer wouldn't be harming the band, because they would barely see any royalties from it anyway. Burning the CD for five friends is good and bad. I mean, yeah, that's five CD sales they missed out on, but at the same time if the kids who got a copy of it like it, chances are that they might go out and buy it, and if they don't do that, they'll most definitely attend your shows and buy more merch.
A few years ago, anal sex was still taboo; nowadays it's trendy. What will be the next major sexual taboo to fall?
Nick Porter: SLAYER!
What, in your opinion, is the best book ever written? And why?
Nick Porter: Three-way tie for first place. Stephen King's The Stand, Mitch Albom's Tuesdays With Morrie, and F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby. All of these books are the best for their own reasons.
Right this very second, what are you most looking forward to, and why?
Nick Porter: I'm looking forward to taking a shower because I just got done running and lifting. Man, did that sound tough.
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Borrowed from the band's website (so don't blame us):
With a diverse background of musicians and a passion for all things harmonic, Massachusetts? The Auburn System offers a crushing brand of metal that is influenced by the combined genres of death, grind, and hardcore. Each member of the band offers something new and invigorating to the table, for their inspiration is drawn from a variety of places. With a goal to pay homage to those who have served as inspiration not only in music, but in all realms of communication, The Auburn System has gained respect from competitors and peers alike. Since 2002, the band has played an unheard of amount of shows, booked two DIY tours, and circulated almost 1000 copies of two independently released demos. During this time The Auburn System gained an impressive fan base through any and every means possible. With several tours and national dates slated for the year in support of their upcoming Self Titled Five Point Records EP, The Auburn System will continue to destroy clubs, halls, basements, and every place it is possible for them to play. With their astonishing live show and grinding sound, The Auburn System will continue to prove themselves as a force to be reckoned with.
-- George Zahora
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