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What band did you listen to most during the eighties? Do you still like them?
John Hoeffleur: I'd have to say Guns n' Roses. Yes I do.
What is your worst memory of elementary school? Of high school?
John Hoeffleur: I was vomited on by a classmate in third grade, the stench of which made me vomit, but at least I had the courtesy to make it to the bathroom.
You're about to -- ahem -- get lucky. What album is playing in the background? Why'd you choose it?
John Hoeffleur: Now that you mention it, I don't put on music like I used to... Hmmm...I used to play Horse Stories by the Dirty Three.
What was the first thing you ever shoplifted? Why did you take it?
John Hoeffleur: A Slinky. To show how bad-ass I was, you know, by stealing a SLINKY.
If you could beat up anyone in the world and get away without the usual annoying real-world consequences -- jail time, lawsuits, bad press, etc. -- who would it be, and why?
John Hoeffleur: Mike Tyson. He needs to have his arms removed, straight up, but thats like "too barbaric" for the establishment, so I'm the man.
What's the biggest risk you've ever taken? Why did you take it?
John Hoeffleur: Snorting something that I wasn't sure exactly what is was or what it would do. That feeling like "Sniff! Oh, you've done it now."
It's better to regret something you have done than it is to regret something you haven't done. What do you regret doing (other than agreeing to answer these questions)? Why did you do it?
John Hoeffleur: I regret sleeping through my college graduation, as my whole family sat in the auditorium trying to find me. Just an asshole move, I thought I could drink all night and powernap for like an hour. Forget about it, I should have stayed up all night and gone drunk, like everybody else.
Did you go to your high school prom? If so, who did you go with?
John Hoeffleur: Yes I did, I'm pretty sure I took a lesbian.
What movie would you recommend to absolutely anyone? Why?
John Hoeffleur: Hands on a Hardbody. It's a documentary, it's a human drama thing.
For reasons we won't bother going into right now, you're going to be locked in the back of a truck for a sixteen hour drive between gigs. If you could have any musician, past or present, back there to keep you company, who would it be?
John Hoeffleur: I think DLR could certainly keep me busy. That one might come back to bite me, though.
What is your strongest, most unshakeable belief?
John Hoeffleur: Me.
What's the worst band you've ever heard? Why do they suck?
John Hoeffleur: Let's go, uh, X-ray Spex. I guess they're not the worst, but they annoy me the most. Illegal use of saxophone.
If you were a porn star, what would your "porn name" be?
John Hoeffleur: John Hoeffleur. No shame in the game.
You're on your way to a show, and all of a sudden you find yourself in the middle of a huge four-way battle between pirates, ninjas, robots and intelligent apes from the future. Your only hope of getting to your gig is to pick a side. Who do you join, and why?
John Hoeffleur: In most situations, outside of being in the future or at sea, I've got to go Ninjas. The only training of a ninja is to kick ass, more or less. I can't imagine who would go robots. Haven't you seen Robocop?
If you could sponsor any beverage -- appear in their ads, receive a lifetime supply and never be seen drinking a competing product -- what beverage would it be?
John Hoeffleur: I'd be a fool to not say booze of some kind. Lifetime supply? I'm thinking Oban scotch whiskey, or I guess Budweiser.
What's the best venue you've ever played? What's the worst? Why?
John Hoeffleur: Metro in Chicago was the best. Illinois State University Multipurpose room was the worst, thanks to being booked with metal bands and the florescent lighting. But don't get me wrong, I'd do it again.
What's wrong with Rolling Stone these days?
John Hoeffleur: They're still publishing.
You've traveled back in time and met yourself, age sixteen. What do you think?
John Hoeffleur: Smart kid.
Which would be worse: three hours on a bus full of four year-olds, or three hours on a bus full of eighty year-olds? Why?
John Hoeffleur: Four year-olds, no way. Eighty year old folks are awesome, I could learn a lot, and I mean that sincerely. Probably know some good jokes too.
The US government is considering far more aggressive regulation of leather pants. Under the new rules, who should or shouldn't be allowed to wear them?
John Hoeffleur: Strictly 18 and over, with a "Rob Halford" clause allowing metal prodigies to skirt the law.
What food item could you eat every day for the rest of your life without getting bored of it? What's so good about it?
John Hoeffleur: I'm liking a German pancake from Walker Bros. pancake houses in Chicago.
It looks like a big brown hubcap, with powdered sugar and lemon. Duh, because it's delicious.
Will the next Star Wars movie suck? Why or why not?
John Hoeffleur: Not to me. I'm prepared to eat up any crap George Lucas throws my way.
How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?
John Hoeffleur: More like walk across -- about nine lanes of freeway.
Everyone's replacing their least-favorite body parts with cybernetic ones. Which part(s) of your body would you replace?
John Hoeffleur: Well if everyone's doing it... I guess If I had to, I'd like cybernetic hair, right?
What topics or statements would inspire you to call in to a talk radio program?
John Hoeffleur: I listen to Moneytalk -- it's a syndicated investment show on Saturdays and Sundays, 3:00 to 6:00 p.m. If I ever got any money and needed some good advice, I'd call my man Bob Brinker.
What album(s) should everyone be given on their eighteenth birthday?
John Hoeffleur: Some Morrissey, more as a threat, to show kids how wrong it can go.
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"Hello everybody, my name is John and I play guitar and sing and write the songs for my band, The Beauty Shop. We're a quiet little band from Urbana IL. Mud just put out our record, Yr Money or Yr Life, and hooked us up with all sorts of exposure we never even dreamed of. Our focus is on writing good songs that are a little more, shall we say, "handcrafted" than most popular music. For the most part, our sound fits in with this new alt-country whatever thing you may have heard about, maybe a little darker than most. But I should also add that lots of people that despise country music enjoy our record, too. Anyway, we're trying to keep it real, not a lot of stunts and garbage, I just want the band to sound good live and get the songs to feel right. We recorded everything ourselves and put out an EP called Grief about a year or so ago, which makes up about half of our new CD. A lot of people told us they like our record, and they really seem sincere, so if you have a chance you might want to check it out somehow."
-- George Zahora
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