The Benjamins Read Splendid's review of The Art of Disappointment, visit the bland domain squatter website that moved in when the Benjamins were a little too slow at renewing their domain, or buy Benjamins stuff at Insound.

You've been given a robot that can be trained to perform one standardized task perfectly, as often as necessary. What do you train it to do?

Ben Perlstein: I'd say "Robot, learn how to fly," so I could ride on its back and travel all over.

You are seriously ill. There are two vaccines that will save your life, but both have side effects: one will permanently eliminate your sense of taste, and the other will permanently eliminate all feeling in your genitals. Which vaccine would you choose?

Ben Perlstein: I'd chose taste, because I can't taste anything anyway since I broke my nose 12 years ago. Plus, genitals kick ass.

Somehow you've gotten into a fight with someone twice your size. Where do you aim the first punch?

Ben Perlstein: Night in the ruts.

The "fast-forward" and "skip" buttons on all your stereo equipment are broken, and you can't afford to repair them right now. For the time being, you can only listen to albums from beginning to end, without skipping any songs. What albums in your collection are still listenable?

Ben Perlstein: Led Zeppelin IV.

If given the perfect opportunity to be unjust, would a just person succumb to it?

Ben Perlstein: You do it to yourself, just you, you and no one else.

You've been asked to write the Encyclopedia Britannica entry on yourself. What does it say?

Ben Perlstein: See "dipshit".

You've somehow been given the chance to spend the day with a character (not an actor) from any film or television program. Who do you choose?

Ben Perlstein: Duh, Homer (Simpson).

If you could instantly learn to play one instrument that you don't currently play, what would it be?

Ben Perlstein: Well, I want to be a piano player, that would be cool. Ben Folds gets all the chicks.

The people of the town where you were born want to name a building after you. They've asked you to choose the sort of building that best matches your personality. What kind of building do you choose?

Ben Perlstein: A rock club.

What month of the year do you least anticipate? Why?

Ben Perlstein: January, because by then I'm REALLY sick of the snow, and I'm hungover all month from New Years.

What animal would you most like to house in your back yard, if you could?

Ben Perlstein: My dog Milo, because I miss him. He lives in Chicago with my brother since we tour so much.

When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Ben Perlstein: A baseball player.

If you could buy any rare collection in the world, which collection would you choose? (This doesn't have to be a famous collection...but it can be.)

Ben Perlstein: Elton John's gold record collection.

What's the best advice you've ever received? Who gave it to you?

Ben Perlstein: John Davis from Superdrag once told me, "If you want to make a record like Head Trip in Every Key, just take three weeks and a whole lotta mushrooms."

You've been invited to perform as the middle act in a three-act bill. You get to choose the other two artists. Who opens for you, and who follows you?

Ben Perlstein: Superdrag, The Benjamins, Something Corporate.

You've been placed in the Witness Protection Program, and must change your name. You're able to pick your new name. What do you call yourself?

Ben Perlstein: Anything but "Kevin". I hate that name.

What lesson should the world learn from the failure of all those dotcom businesses?

Ben Perlstein: Don't believe the hype. Or the talking sock puppet.

What steps should airlines take to help avoid a repeat of the September 11th tragedy?

Ben Perlstein: Don't let terrorists on the plane.

What is the greatest invention of the last ten years?

Ben Perlstein: Caller ID.

Thanks to a breakthrough in technology, you can have a perfect memory-recording of one event in your life. Everything is included --taste, smell, sound, vision and feeling; it basically means that you can relive the event over and over again. What event would you want to relive?

Ben Perlstein: Having sex with one particular girl whose name I'm not going to mention. She was something else, lemme tell you.

What toy from your childhood would you most like to track down now?

Ben Perlstein: That robot where you put oil in the top and it starts sparking.

Assuming that money, legality, etc. is no object, what is your intoxicant of choice?

Ben Perlstein: Budweiser.

Which is more dangerous in the wrong hands -- guns or knowledge?

Ben Perlstein: Bin Laden proved that knowledge is.

We'd just like to point out that we made it all the way through this article without saying "It's all about The Benjamins." Well, until now.