Blueline Medic Read Splendid's review of The Apology Wars, visit the Blueline Medic website or buy Blueline Medic stuff at Insound.

You've been given a robot that can be trained to perform one standardized task perfectly, as often as necessary. What do you train it to do?

Dave Snow: Make toast (with plenty of nutolex and thin smear of vegemite) and tea.

You are seriously ill. There are two vaccines that will save your life, but both have side effects: one will permanently eliminate your sense of taste, and the other will permanently eliminate all feeling in your genitals. Which vaccine would you choose?

Dave Snow: Just kill me. I've been listening to loads of The Smiths and I'm ready to die. "Sing me to sleep..." Anyway, If I die, it'll make a great sad "EMO" song.

Somehow you've gotten into a fight with someone twice your size. Where do you aim the first punch?

Dave Snow: Square at my own chin. I've neither the skills nor time for fighting, so if there's a fight between me and some person twice my size, I want out as soon as possible. There's no way in hell I'm going to make it out of a fight like that. At least this way, I can recall the fight having landed both the first and last punch.

If given the perfect opportunity to be unjust, would a just person succumb to it?

Dave Snow: "Christians" have been doing it for years, so hell yeah! I'd hope more people wouldn't, but this is not a just world.

You've been asked to write the Encyclopedia Britannica entry on yourself. What does it say?

Dave Snow: Lover of monkeys, drinker of Scotch, The artist formerly known as David has done little with his life but long for some time on set with the Crocodile Hunter. He spends his time caring for his mother.

You've somehow been given the chance to spend the day with a character (not an actor) from any film or television program. Who do you choose?

Dave Snow: Homer Simpson would be fun, but as a character cartoon, my unusual features would be highlighted (only to make me recognisable as a simplified illustration), so I'd rather avoid Springfield. I think I'd have to opt for some quality time with The Crocodile Hunter. I wouldn't be up for jumping into a croc-infested pond, but I'd love to cheer that man on from the safety of a boat. Close enough to let him hear me laugh, but far away enough so as to keep all of my limbs.

If you could instantly learn to play one instrument that you don't currently play, what would it be?

Dave Snow: The bagpipes.

The people of the town where you were born want to name a building after you. They've asked you to choose the sort of building that best matches your personality. What kind of building do you choose?

Dave Snow: The monkey enclosure at the zoo. I hate zoos, but I like monkeys.

What month of the year do you least anticipate? Why?

Dave Snow: October. Only because it's just gone and I didn't even realise it'd been. I rarely write the month in "word form". To me it's just the "10". I guess my answer isn't exactly "October", but more "last month", the only exclusion being April (my birthday) and December (Christmas/New Year).

What animal would you most like to house in your back yard, if you could?

Dave Snow: Give me a monkey. Please, give me a monkey.

When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Dave Snow: A monkey. Seriously!

If you could buy any rare collection in the world, which collection would you choose? (This doesn't have to be a famous collection...but it can be.)

Dave Snow: One of every monkey there is. Actually, they might fight with one another or get lonely for other monkeys of the same breed, so I'd best collect something more practical. Maybe I could get all working weapons throughout the world and destroy them. I doubt this would eradicate violence (especially seeing as there's a guy twice the size of me standing, somewhat confused, above my unconscious body, thinking that he was going to beat the absolute shit out of me).

What's the best advice you've ever received? Who gave it to you?

Dave Snow: "Be nice to your parents and save your money" was the words of wisdom my mother instilled unto me. I think she just wanted to secure her own retirement and aged-care, selfishly ensuring I've both the means and desire to support her throughout her twilight years of leisure.

You've been invited to perform as the middle act in a three-act bill. You get to choose the other two artists. Who opens for you, and who follows you?

Dave Snow: I just want to play with Talking Heads and The Smiths. I don't care who goes first. Hell, I'd love to simply see those bands. Given that they're both kinda out of it these days, I'll have to travel back through time. "That's impossible," I hear you say. Exactly. The day we're on that bill is the day you can travel across time and space with the blink of an eye. It's not going to happen.

You've been placed in the Witness Protection Program, and must change your name. You're able to pick your new name. What do you call yourself?

Dave Snow: The artist formerly known as David.

What lesson should the world learn from the failure of all those dotcom businesses?

Dave Snow: Computer nerds are a little too "careful" with their money.

What steps should airlines take to help avoid a repeat of the September 11th tragedy?

Dave Snow: I don't even want to think about it.

What is the greatest invention of the last ten years?

Dave Snow: The Crocodile Hunter alternative to Paul Hogan. Either way, America thinks all Australians are lunatics, but Hogan is just such a twat. At least the Hunter risks his life to make Australians look like morons.

Thanks to a breakthrough in technology, you can have a perfect memory-recording of one event in your life. Everything is included -- taste, smell, sound, vision and feeling; it basically means that you can relive the event over and over again. What event would you want to relive?

Dave Snow: The one in the future when something exciting finally happens in my life. Maybe the day that monkey turns up in my back yard!

What toy from your childhood would you most like to track down now?

Dave Snow: My Batman cape I wore every day under my primary school uniform. That thing made me absolutely invincible.

Assuming that money, legality, etc. is no object, what is your intoxicant of choice?

Dave Snow: I'd still rather have a bottle of Scotch.

Which is more dangerous in the wrong hands -- guns or knowledge?

Dave Snow: Assuming you're right-handed, you can still read with your left hand, but a gun in the "wrong" hand would assure inaccuracy, and could be rather dangerous.

Blueline Medic formed in Melbourne, Australia, in mid 1999. The band comprises Donnie Dureau (vocals/gtr), Adrian Lombardi (gtr), Dave Snow (bass) and Shaun Lohoar (drums). In their previous bands they have collectively driven around Australia four times, which is good practice for trying to do the same in the United States.