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Right now, with no advance notice, and for reasons we're not going to bother explaining, you must get rid of one album from your record collection. Which title gets the chop?
Monique Ortiz: Shadow Project's Dreams For The Dying. I got this when I was nearing the end of my goth phase and thought I'd like it as much as Christian Death...I can't listen to most of that stuff anymore.
You wake up one morning and discover that you've grown two feet taller overnight. How does it affect your life?
Monique Ortiz: All my pants are suddenly pedal pushers.
What three things must a town or city have in order for you to be able to live happily there?
Monique Ortiz: A house I can actually afford, lots of greenery, and a good sushi joint.
What's more important: good music or good food? And why?
Monique Ortiz: Good music... It's far more difficult to find good music than it is to find good food.
Would you rather be anal probed by aliens or have a root canal without anaesthetics? Explain your choice.
Monique Ortiz: Anal probed by aliens. As long as I have lube I can deal with it. Who knows? I might really enjoy it.
Why does the wheel in the sky keep on turning?
Monique Ortiz: Because the mountain-chicken hasn't stopped dancing.
You've just been elected to the US senate (if you're not a US citizen, please either pretend you are or move forward on the assumption that you've taken a similar government-type position in your own country). What's on your agenda legislation-wise?
Monique Ortiz: Legalize pot, make driving tests more difficult (especially in Massachusetts, because clearly they're just handing out licenses to any moron who can fit behind the wheel), raise minimum wage, stop deforestation, and most important: all bands that play clubs should get at least $200 per gig (we all know the clubs are ripping us off left and right!) -- unless, of course, they really suck.
If the moon were made of cheese, what kind of cheese would it be made of? Please explain your reasoning.
Monique Ortiz: Smoked Gouda. Because of the thick, brown skin on it, not just anybody will be able to land on it or eat it. Except me...I have special space-cheese excavating equipment.
You've just won a contest in which the prize is your "dream car". What make and model of car do you choose? (And no, you can't just take the money.)
Monique Ortiz: A 1972 Convertible Beetle. I have a hardtop. It would be nice to have one of each.
You can go back in time and kill one person without disrupting the space/time continuum, creating a paradox and causing the universe to collapse upon itself. Who would it be?
Monique Ortiz: Too many to say.
As an experiment, you spend an entire day with a stick of butter duct-taped to your forehead. What do you learn?
Monique Ortiz: That duct tape doesn't have to hurt when it's removed.
What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
Monique Ortiz: Sleeping, eating, having sex, watching a movie, having sex, recording new music, and yes, you guessed it...sex.
What is the coolest animal to watch a nature show about?
Monique Ortiz: My favorite: the Coelacanth.
What do you do now, as a result of widespread internet access, that you didn't do ten years ago?
Monique Ortiz: Waste more time.
Who did you last give flowers and why?
Monique Ortiz: My boyfriend...because he's funny, smart, honest, from the Midwest, and sexy as hell.
The thong: instrument of social change or harbinger of dark times?
Monique Ortiz: Social change: no more visible panty lines. But then again, why wear underwear anyway?
The police have just nailed you for some kind of minor infraction. What were you most likely to have been doing?
Monique Ortiz: Beating up a couple guys who thought I didn't hear what they said.
Would you shop at a supermarket run by ninjas? Why or why not?
Monique Ortiz: Absolutely! I'm sure they would have very high standards for fresh produce and fish...and you could be sure you'd get the best cuts of meat.
What article (or articles) of clothing do you wish you never had to wear again? Why?
Monique Ortiz: Underwear. Waste of money and time.
Taking into account all current political, social and economic situations, which country would you most like to be and why?
Monique Ortiz: Holland. No country is without its issues, but Holland seems like it would be more fun and I could ride my bike on real bike paths.
Tell us about your weirdest experience with a fan.
Monique Ortiz: Oh, c'mon. I don't have any fans. If I do, I don't think I've met them.
When was the last time you had an entire day to yourself, and what did you do with it?
Monique Ortiz: Most of my days are to myself. I get up early in the morning, work out at the gym for a couple hours (I do boxing a couple times a week), go home, break out my lyric book and bass and record new music. When the weather's nice I like to be as close to the ocean as possible and do my writing there, maybe do some drawing.
Ever written a letter to the editor? What publication, and on what subject?
Monique Ortiz: I'd get pissed off about something, start writing, then totally lose interest.
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk? If you're a non-drinker, please limit your self-righteous response to 25 words.
Monique Ortiz: Like many of you who won't admit it, the stupidest thing I've done while drunk is drive.
What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep?
Monique Ortiz: Listen to Ry Cooder and read some Tim Sandlin. Of course, there are other things that one can do to relax but I don't feel that I have to state the obvious.
What are your fellow band members' most irritating habits? If you have no fellow band members, what are your own most irritating habits?
Monique Ortiz: There are no guitarists in my band, so that pretty much eliminates any possible annoyances.
You're making a guest appearance as yourself in the TV show of your choice. What's the show, and how do you fit into the plot?
Monique Ortiz: Northern Exposure. I'll be the token low-key, jaded indie-rocker who vows to quit music, move to Dutch Harbor and hang out with the crab fishermen... What am I saying?
In three sentences or less, please give your opinion on the current state of the world.
Monique Ortiz: Brian Eno has all the answers to the world's problems, but he's asking a lot of money for them.
A national guardsman from Ohio recently changed his name to Optimus Prime, after the Transformer. If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?
Monique Ortiz: I like my name. It suits me perfectly. I'd never change it.
We're considering lobbying the government to pass a law banning the use of certain overplayed words -- for example, "new", "flaming" and "electric" --in band names. What other words should be banned?
Monique Ortiz: "Awesome", "nice", "resolve", "tour-de-force", "groundbreaking", "Keanu", and the most abused word of the past 15 years, "alternative".
Would you rather tour the world for a year, living out of hotels and minibuses, playing to sellout crowds but estranged from all meaningful interpersonal contact, or be crowned the next indie god(s) but be damned to a lifetime of college radio airplay, widespread obscurity and eventual golden years filled with soundtrack work?
Monique Ortiz: I guess I'll be damned because all my musical heroes were pretty obscure and I probably will be too. I don't really care if I become famous. And soundtrack work is a lot of fun. Plus, plenty of indie and obscure musicians tour the world. It would be cool to someday run into a kid who has happened to hear of me and tells me that I was an influence on his/her music. That's far more satisfying than playing to an audience you have absolutely no connection with.
What's the most un-rock and roll hobby or interest you have?
Monique Ortiz: Competitive boxing and marine biology: I love Coelacanths and White-tip sharks, and the study of underwater ecosystems.
What's the stupidest thing a reviewer ever said about you or your band?
Monique Ortiz: I have a hard time reading about myself. It all seems kind of stupid. The media never get it right: they're always grossly misquoting me or totally making things up. But any press is good press, right?
Some of us have side gigs bartending. Help us out by making up a drink that we can name after you and sell to underaged girls in midriff tee-shirts.
Monique Ortiz: I would say give them Casser's (the worst vodka in the world) in a plastic cup with Juicy Juice.
Which is a better reason for an R rating -- pointless, arbitrary violence or over-the-top kinky sex that has nothing to do with the story?
Monique Ortiz: Over-the-top kinky sex. Although a good shootout and car chase is pretty hard to beat.
Which would be worse -- going three rounds with Mike Tyson, or having sex with Anna Nicole Smith?
Monique Ortiz: Tyson would be far worse. Hey, at Least Anna has curves and a sense of humor. She doesn't seem to hate women like Mike does.
What's in your fridge right now?
Monique Ortiz: Lots of fresh veggies, orange juice, skim milk, Concord Porter, feta cheese, Bleu cheese, assorted olives, and a wide variety of hot sauces.
What advice would you give to Michael Jackson?
Monique Ortiz: Saving face is hard to do.
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Bourbon Princess's Black Feather Wings was released earlier this year on Accurate Records. They're touring the Midwest as you read this.
-- George Zahora
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