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Boylion's Matt Roan takes a whack at the POINTLESS QUESTIONS

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Splendid's review of Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start will be published in a week or two. Until then, why not visit the Boylion website or buy Boylion stuff at Insound?

You've been given a robot that can be trained to perform one standardized task perfectly, as often as necessary. What do you train it to do?

Matt Roan: Man, what do I really hate doing... At this point in time, I think I would enable my robot to ace my French exams. I need to take a language to graduate from DePaul and I am in serious danger of failing that class.

You are seriously ill. There are two vaccines that will save your life, but both have side effects: one will permanently eliminate your sense of taste, and the other will permanently eliminate all feeling in your genitals. Which vaccine would you choose?

Matt Roan: I'd take the cure that made me lose my sense of taste. I mean really... is there a contest?

Somehow you've gotten into a fight with someone twice your size. Where do you aim the first punch?

Matt Roan: Straight at the dude's neck. Did you ever see Three Ninjas, where grandpa is teaching the little ones martial arts and he has the dummy with the light-up eyes that go off when you hit it in the most painful spot? The neck made the eyes light UP! If you can't breathe, you can't very well fight.

The "fast-forward" and "skip" buttons on all your stereo equipment are broken, and you can't afford to repair them right now. For the time being, you can only listen to albums from beginning to end, without skipping any songs. What albums in your collection are still listenable?

Matt Roan: I could listen to JimmyEatWorld's Clarity all the way through, even with the 17 minute song at the end. God's Reflex's Scenes from a motel room seduction. Owls' Self-titled. Any Weezer record. Yeah. That ought to do it until I can fix the damn thing.

If given the perfect opportunity to be unjust, would a just person succumb to it?

Matt Roan: I really hope not. I mean, there are people in those positions every day of their lives. Cops, judges, any bosses or managers, professors... anyone who exercises any sort of power can be unjust. I am a bit of an optimist. I think that people are better than that.

You've been asked to write the Encyclopedia Britannica entry on yourself. What does it say?

Matt Roan: Hmmmmm. "Daniel Matthew Roan was one of life's formost leaders in rocking your ass. He lived life in constant vigilance, prepared to rock ass at any time, at any occasion. He was a real ass-rocker. (See Figure 1)" (Figure 1 would be a picture of me with a guitar, jumping off of the bass drum, screaming something and looking super angry).

You've somehow been given the chance to spend the day with a character (not an actor) from any film or television program. Who do you choose?

Matt Roan: Probably with Tyler Durden from Fight Club. I'd imagine that would be an interesting day. It would kinda be a two for one thing, hanging out with both personalities, fighting each other, causing destruction and mayhem, things of that sort. "Them" or any charecter that Wynona Ryder plays that would make out with me... like in Girl, Interrupted. That would be super nice. As a matter of fact, forget Tyler Durden and just hook it up with crazy Wynona Ryder. Yeah.

If you could instantly learn to play one instrument that you don't currently play, what would it be?

Matt Roan: I think it would be nice to play a brass instrament. Probably a trumpet... just in case there is a SKA revival and I need that sort of skill. Boo Ya. Plus, it would be nice to play in a jazz ensamble, assuming you have granted me this power and made me super good at it. Trumpet. That would do.

The people of the town where you were born want to name a building after you. They've asked you to choose the sort of building that best matches your personality. What kind of building do you choose?

Matt Roan: A building, huh? I'd say a school. That would be great. I mean, "York Community High School" doesn't have the same ring as the "Daniel Matthew Roan High" now does it? As for how it fits my personality, I don't think thats important. Lets face it, they only building they dedicate names to are libraries and schools... and a school whould be way funnier.

What month of the year do you least anticipate? Why?

Matt Roan: August. It's terribly hot, you have to go back to school, your car's AC goes out, old people get heat stroke and die... man, thats just not cool. Plus, there are no good holidays. I don't think there are any at all for that matter. August SUCKS.

What animal would you most like to house in your back yard, if you could?

Matt Roan: I'd keep a giraffe that would keep an eye out for robbers and let me ride it to class.

When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Matt Roan: I didn't want to be anything. I am the same way today. I guess once I started being in bands I thought it would be nice to just play music and get paid for it but I never wanted to be a fire man or anything like that. I just don't wanna grow up. Ever. Growing up is for lames.

If you could buy any rare collection in the world, which collection would you choose?

Matt Roan: Man, I don't collect things. I hate clutter. I used to have a buch of Yo-yos and all their strings got all tangled and shitty and now none of them work. I suppose I'd just collect musical instruments and learn to play them all. That would be a challenge, plus I must not work if I'm this rich so I assume I've got time on my hands.

What's the best advice you've ever received? Who gave it to you?

Matt Roan: "Bros over Hos" -- Travis Nelson Murphy.

You've been invited to perform as the middle act in a three-act bill. You get to choose the other two artists. Who opens for you, and who follows you?

Matt Roan: Original Guns 'n Roses to close -- we will just pray that Axl's voice holds up -- and I think that we would have Petey Pablo open. He would get the girls to take their shirts off and twist them round their heads... just like a helicopter.

You've been placed in the Witness Protection Program, and must change your name. You're able to pick your new name. What do you call yourself?

Matt Roan: Dirk Calloway, from Rushmore. Dirk is great. Otherwise, I'd want to be named Dexter or Bradford -- those names are fun too. Poindexter! You don't get better than that. "Stick up for yourself, Poindexter!"

What lesson should the world learn from the failure of all those businesses?

Matt Roan: To stick with Mutual Funds. It's about dividends.

What steps should airlines take to help avoid a repeat of the September 11th tragedy?

Matt Roan: I don't know. I guess you would get a decent ammount of passengers with more backbone who would fight back up there. I mean boxcutters? Thats weak. I still can't believe that.

What is the greatest invention of the last ten years?

Matt Roan: That peanut butter and jelly in the same container was pretty sweet, but I think that might have been developed pre '91... so probably TIVO. I know I can't miss my soaps while I'm away at class. Nah, CD burners are tops. Hands down. Saved me a fortune.

Thanks to a breakthrough in technology, you can have a perfect memory-recording of one event in your life. Everything is included -- taste, smell, sound, vision and feeling; it basically means that you can relive the event over and over again. What event would you want to relive?

Matt Roan: Probably kissing this one girl I liked forever. I know it sounds lame but that was a good night. The next day she basically said we would never be and that was pretty much the end of that. The 3rd of July, 1999 if I'm not mistaken. That's insane that I remember the date. I hate myself.

What toy from your childhood would you most like to track down now?

Matt Roan: AMAZING QUESTION! I totally got this rad mini-arcade Pac-Man game that had a joystick and lit up and everything, it was just a smaller version of the original. My grandma got it at some weird garage sale and it was the coolest toy ever. I played that thing out. I can't believe we threw it away... that was stupid, I've never seen anything else like that game.

Assuming that money, legality, etc. is no object, what is your intoxicant of choice?

Matt Roan: Sorry to disapoint, but I'm a sXe kid. I'm a big fan of Coke though. That's what is keeping me up right now.

Which is more dangerous in the wrong hands -- guns or knowledge?

Matt Roan: Knowledge is way more dangerous in the wrong hands. You can really only do so much damage with a gun, but you can wipe out civilization with knowledge. That's no good.

· · · · · · ·

Boylion, who hail from Elmhurst, IL, have just released their debut album, Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Select, Start. Our editor didn't immediately get the title, which made him feel very old.

-- George Zahora

Splendid is always looking for artists and bands who can answer our Pointless Questions quickly and cleverly. We mostly do them by e-mail, so they're quick and painless...unless you can't type. E-mail us for more information!



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