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You can choose to have one -- and only one -- super power. Other than gaining that power, you remain exactly the same as you are now. What super power would you pick, and why?
Richard Jankovich: Huey Lewis once mused that the Superpower of Love was a curious thing; it could make one man weep while simultaneously causing another man to erupt in song (i.e. sing.). He seemed to know what he was talking about and his knowledge impressed me. I choose the Superpower Of Love since it must be even "super" stronger and "super" harder than a bad girl's dream. It also helps that the Superpower of Love requires neither money, fame, nor credit card and something about riding a train.
What was your favorite day job, and why? If you hated them all, what was the best (meaning most interesting) way you ever quit a job?
Richard Jankovich: Oh my God! The worst job I ever had was when I took the subway over the 14th Street and this totally smelly homeless guy was rubbing against and speaking Spanish or Farsi or something. It totally freaked me out! I mean, why do they let people act like that? What do you mean by quit?
If money/ambition/significant others/et cetera were all non-issues, where would you choose to live and why?
Richard Jankovich: Why, 227, of course. TV's Marla Gibbs was inspiring, beautiful and intense. Living with her would have made my life very, very different.
You've been given the money and resources to produce a movie biography of the most significant, influential person in your life. Who's it about, what's the story, and who plays the central character?
Richard Jankovich: Oh wait! I totally know this one. Um. Okay. Is it..."YZA44?" No? Scallions? IS IT SCALLIONS?
Summarize your driving ability in 25 words or less.
Richard Jankovich: I was returning from Greensboro on I-85 after picking up a black Ferrari 456GTA. This car is to other cars what Ferragamo pumps are to discarded tennis shoes. It is breathtaking, a brilliant obsidian arrowhead, with a husky vibrato from the 12-cylinder engine. The speedometer goes to 220 mph; 65 mph barely registers on the needle. As I drove east, I saw a North Carolina DMV enforcement car in the far left lane ahead, with traffic piling up behind him for a mile or so. Left-lane patrol is a common tactic with law enforcement personnel, and it is one of the most ill-conceived maneuvers in their repertoire. For while it does keep traffic traveling below the officer's speed, but it also creates an unsafe situation behind them, with cars bunched up, tailgating and jostling for driving room but unable to put any distance between them. This is the slow-motion version of restrictor-plate racing in NASCAR. None of the cars can speed up to establish a safe perimeter around them. The DMV cop was traveling between 75 and 80 mph. As we traversed the hills going east, I eventually found myself at the front of the pack of cars, with frustrated drivers looming in my rearview mirror -- a position no Ferrari should ever be put in. Eventually, as the DMV car slowed going up a hill, the Ferrari's effortless horsepower (415 hp) pulled me past him on the right. I wasn't worried. First, he and I were going about the same speed and it would have been hugely hypocritical for him to cite me for speeding. Second, I had dozens of annoyed motorists jammed up my tailpipe. As a safe driver, it is my responsibility to maintain a safe distance from all cars, whether they are in front of me or behind me. He pulled ahead of me going downhill. Then, about two miles later, I pulled ahead of him again, at which point he pulled in behind me and flipped his blue lights on. I couldn't believe it.
"You know why I stopped you?" he asked, posing the question law enforcement officers are taught to use as a lure for self-incrimination.
"No," I said, "but if it was for speeding, you and I have been locked up for miles going the same speed."
"That's right," he said, "I paced you going 79 in a 65."
"But you were going at least 80 most of the --"
He cut me off. "Sir, you're going to get a ticket. Anything else, you can tell it to the judge." He actually said that. Then he went back to his car to write up the ticket. He was young, with thick lips, thin hair and a big round head. I thought uncharitable things about him, I confess. This was a bogus ticket, and he and I both knew it. Then it occurred to me that the brand-new black Ferrari didn't help matters. Plainly, I had been the victim of police profiling: driving while rich. Months later, I came to court prepared to lay out these facts before a judge, almost certain that an assistant district attorney or even a first-year law student could eat me alive in a trial proceeding. But damn it, that cop was wrong. Even better at the moment, he was absent. So at the moment I spoke to the ADA, I said "not guilty." She wrote it down and said that she would call the officer to court. He would have until noon to arrive and present his version of the facts. What? I was crestfallen. I thought he had to be in court at 9:00 a.m., when I had to be there. What was all this about summoning him? The ADA grew impatient. "Last chance," she said. "Okay, okay, I'll take 74 in a 65," I said. Anything under 10 mph over the posted limit does not reflect on your insurance points, and those are the ones I was most worried about. She nodded, and told me to pay my fine. My chance to set a great legal precedent came, and I wimped out. I am not a good driver; I am a great driver. Not only am I highly practiced in high-performance driving, in everyday around-town driving, I am extremely cautious and full of rectitude. I signal every lane change. Stop fully at stop signs and flashing reds. Drive defensively. Use my mirrors. Maintain safe distance. Yield courteously and never, ever ride in the left lane. I also drive with the speed of traffic, which seems only prudent and sensible. And yet I got a ticket. There is no justice.
What is the function of your music in a capitalist society?
Richard Jankovich: Music can serve many functions in a society (particularly in a societal context) and this is not limited to music which I myself did not create. In a capitalist society all music has a function...even mine.
You've just entered a contest in which the prize is an MP3 player loaded with the complete, exhaustive recorded output of any artist you choose. You win. Who do you choose?
Richard Jankovich: Without a doubt, the entire Factory Records catalogue.
What are you carrying on your person -- in your pockets, purse, et cetera -- right now?
Richard Jankovich: Right now, I have my wallet, a mini scythe, a mega scythe, a Japanese good luck medallion, a CD player with Depeche Mode's Singles 81-88 (I think), keys, oh... another mini scythe, Orbit gum, a Mooshoes belt, my cellular telephone, water, my big ass heavy bag, a pen, some paper, a list of things to take care of which I never do (like renewing passport, etc.) and, finally, a full-size portrait shot of Duncan Sheik.
You're on tour, you're in an unfamiliar city, you haven't eaten in 24 hours, and due to some poor financial decisions, you have only a single unit of the local currency -- one dollar, one pound, or thereabouts. What do you eat?
Richard Jankovich: Okay, this one is going to take some real imagination because as everyone knows, I rarely leave the house with anything less than about five grand. I have such large piles of money that I simply have to take it outside, hoping I lose some of it. I can't even store these bags of unmarked bills! So, if I only had one single dollar? God, I'd probably eat a plain Bagel. But that would never happen because I always have so much money on me. And diamonds.
Post-Schwarzenegger, are there any high-profile people you'd like to see run for governor or other high office? Who and why?
Richard Jankovich: No. As the richest living anarchist, I do not believe in government, nor do I believe in the advantages of being high profile. Seriously, can you see this wad of $100 bills in my back pocket? You should see what's in my wallet, man. I have so much funny it's sick. Sick.
Apart from cheeseburgers, what is the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast?
Richard Jankovich: Well, the bun, of course.
Have you ever seen a ghost? Or a dead body? Tell us about it.
Richard Jankovich: A Ghost? No. Ghost the psychedelic electronic band from Japan? No. Dead Body? Yes. Every time we play a show we leave about 15 dead bodies behind just as a reminder to the club owner and the other bands that we are not to be messed with! If you followed us on tour, you would know us by the trail of dead. Plus the trail of useless $50 bills we toss from the windows.
Everyone can do at least a couple of decent imitations -- of celebrities, maybe, or associates, friends and family. Who can you "do"?
Richard Jankovich: Just about anybody. But Gerald thinks I do a hysterical Mark Robinson laughing impression. I got down a pretty good Napoleon Dynamite, too, for a while.
What was the last book you read and hated? Why did you hate it?
Richard Jankovich: The Unauthorized Biography of Burnside Project! I hated the ending where they all end up washed up and working in gas stations...how depressing!
Let's assume that God is a DJ. What's on his playlist right now?
Richard Jankovich: "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" by REM; "Apocalypse" by Golden Earring; "The End Of Pain Is Near" by Yume Bitsu; "I Know It's Over" by The Smiths; "Armageddon" by Thomas Dolby.
Who was your favourite teacher in high school? Why?
Richard Jankovich: Silly...I never went to high school! How could I fit in with all the poor kids? Ew!
What is your favorite Meg Ryan movie?
Richard Jankovich: Without a doubt, Hurlyburly -- cuz she's so filthy, dirty...
What is your favorite "comfort food" when you're on tour?
Richard Jankovich: I enjoy nervously chewing my bandmates' ear lobes.
Tell us about the least likely place you ever sent a CD/demo. Why did you send it? What happened?
Richard Jankovich: Okay -- this is actually a true story. (You mean the Ferrari story was a lie? Shit! -- Ed.) When we were finishing our last record, Grokster had posted a few MP3s of some songs on their homepage and we got a lot of hits and requests as a result. One e-mail requested a demo be sent to T Pryce in Denver, Colorado. He had mentioned that he was starting up a record label and was looking for some young bands. I explained that we were out of adolescence and he was still interested. I decided to Google his full name, after he signed his e-mail Trevor. Trevor Pryce. Trevor Pryce is a professional football player on the Denver Broncos. So I sent our CD to a NFL superstar...and never heard back. Anyway, did I mention how much money I have?
Aliens have just landed, and you get to select the Earth's goodwill ambassador. Who do you pick, and why?
Richard Jankovich: I would select the triumvirate of an empty mason jar, Frank the bunny from Donnie Darko and herpes. I think the reasons are quite clear. Re-read the sentence if you need to, dummy. I guess they don't teach reading in your stupid school, huh dumbo? Sheesh. Dumbass...
You've just been hit in the face with a large chocolate cream pie. How do you react?
Richard Jankovich: Absolute Horror! I mean, wouldn't you be terrified? It's a goddamned pie, man! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Assuming that you must choose one, which would you rather listen to for an hour: Christian rock, mainstream country or Jessica Simpson?
Richard Jankovich: Jessica Simpson. Wait...did you say listen to or have sex with?
What's the deal with those damn raccoons?
Richard Jankovich: Tell me about it. Those fuckers are always running around and squirting blood from their tails and jumping on my thighs and trying to stab my eye with a pencil. I am surprised there isn't more of a movement to get them off the streets! They are corrupting America!
Where do you think Osama Bin Laden is hiding and what would it take to get him to come out?
Richard Jankovich: Wait, we saw him at the Democratic National Convention. He is a great speaker and a handsome Illinois politician!
What would you consider to be the worst fate imaginable for your music, and which contemporary artist would you most wish this terrible end upon?
Richard Jankovich: The worst fate imaginable? I suppose for it to be used as the theme song to a gay cable program. I wish this upon the Mendoza Line.
What is the strangest thing you've ever had for breakfast?
Richard Jankovich: A sofa.
Which non-music related product (i.E. -- no instruments, microphones, etc.) would you most like to be a celebrity spokesperson for?
Richard Jankovich: I would gladly be a vegan speaker. Vegans are delicious and the world should know about it.
Describe the skankiest, sketchiest place -- whether it's someone's home or a hotel/motel room -- that you've stayed in while on tour.
Richard Jankovich: Two words: A maggot-infested lower flat in Cambridge on Magazine Street where our friend Jeffrey lived at the time. It was disgusting -- old pudding cups, half filled coke cans, meat on the counter crawling with maggots, cats coming and going through the windows.
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The Burnside Project's new album, Parachutes In Your Hands, is due any day now.
-- George Zahora
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