|
Various religions suggest that there's a "special" hell for certain sins (hurting children, being cruel to animals, using the word "blog" as a verb, etc). Who else needs a "special" hell?
Chris Sheehan: Corrupt CEOs and politicians, the man who invented drop D tuning, and shortstops who commit more than 30 errors in a season.
Due to poor financial planning, you've got to eat for an entire week on only US$10. What do you buy, food-wise?
Chris Sheehan: Lottery tickets.
What's the biggest misconception that people have about you?
Chris Sheehan: That I'm related to bass man Billy Sheehan (David Lee Roth, Mr. Big, etc.).
What's the worst injury you've ever suffered for your art (i.e. second degree burns from shorted-out mic, broken leg from failed stage dive)? Tell us about it.
Chris Sheehan: I once arm wrestled my bass player and ended up with a spiral fracture of the humerus. That wasn't on stage, though.
You've got unlimited funding and technical expertise to make an IMAX movie on the topic of your choice. What do you choose? Describe the obligatory vertigo-inducing camera shot that makes the entire audience clutch their stomachs.
Chris Sheehan: A re-enactment of the famous WWI air battles forever known as "Bloody April", complete with working replicas of the German Fokkers and Sopwith Camels and possibly a few Russian MIG-21s (though historically inaccurate, they will lend a certain foreboding sense of what was to come for Western Europe and the world). Although the RFC took devastating losses, the Allies were able to recapture 19 square yards of land from the Germans. The vertigo-inducing camera shot will be presented in the form of Woodrow Wilson repeatedly asserting America's neutrality while hitting a squash ball at the screen.
Ever find useful stuff in the garbage? Describe your best-ever dumpster find and how you used it.
Chris Sheehan: I found an old organ that I was able to repair and use.
In the UK, trying to kill the Queen is still technically a capital offence. If the Queen tried to commit suicide and failed, could she be sentenced to death? Explain.
Chris Sheehan: Only in the most literal sense. While the landmark decision Cabot v. Penobscott (1519, 4th Circuit Court of Hemel Hempstead) certainly would lend credence to this line of thinking, most likely the British High Courts would reduce the charges to attempted regi-slaughter and force her to serve 80 hours community service as Viceroy of India.
If you were a 50ft high Tyrannosaurus Rex, would you use your powers for good or evil? Who would you go after first?
Chris Sheehan: Good, of course. I would then resolve the Upper Peninsula dispute between Wisconsin and Michigan.
You've decided to write a musical. What's it about and who's the star?
Chris Sheehan: It's a romantic comedy starring Peter O'Toole as a fading equestrian star who falls in love with a London bookie named Edith (played by Jane Asher). The big finish is an Ester Williams-esque production with the entire cast singing on a flotilla in the Thames.
What's your favorite board game? Why do you like it?
Chris Sheehan: Tie between Scrabble and Chess. I like Scrabble because it forces you to think and create words in many orientations. I like chess because it's very mathematical in a creative way.
Everyone likes at least one cheesy/crappy song that totally kills their cred. What's yours?
Chris Sheehan: "I Wanna Go Back" by Eddie Money or "Mandy" by Barry Manilow.
Will it ever truly be possible to "rock the vote", or will apathy, indifference and laziness always triumph over activism?
Chris Sheehan: I'm an optimist and a big believer in history which is full of tumult and uprising. If things get uncomfortable enough, there will be action.
You discover a new disease, "(Your name here)'s Syndrome". What are its symptoms? What is the cure for "(Your name here)'s Syndrome"?
Chris Sheehan: Sheehan's Syndrome: Acute anglophilia marked by the desire to alternately mimic Davids Niven and Hemming. Secondary symptoms may include sharp break on slider and tailing action on two seam fastball as well as obsession with Sandy Koufax. To cure Sheehan's Syndrome bind and constrain patient Clockwork Orange Style and repeatedly show episodes of Hardcastle and McCormick.
You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about. What would you like to cry about?
Chris Sheehan: The Dodgers' inept offense.
If you could watch one historical event re-enacted by a cast of chimpanzees, which one would it be, and why?
Chris Sheehan: Watergate break-in plus all related action, because I can't imagine it would be that much different than actually being there.
What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen (and don't choose one of your own)?
Chris Sheehan: I saw someone with the Heisenberg Uncertainty Equation on his arm when I was in college. Was he there or wasn't he?
How long after an unopened gallon of milk's "use-by" date has passed would you be willing to use it?
Chris Sheehan: Three days.
What is the most unusual item you've thrown up on/in?
Chris Sheehan: Under the seat of a 1989 Trans Am.
Do you prefer the term "underwear" or "underpants"? What does that say about you?
Chris Sheehan: Underwear. It implies that I don't quite wear the underpants around the house.
You've been asked to submit an anecdote or "tip" to a book called Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned On Tour With My Band. What do you tell them?
Chris Sheehan: Enjoy the moment.
Due to a breakthrough in technology, it's possible to learn any skill, no matter how complex, pretty much instantly, by uploading the information directly into your brain (yes, like in The Matrix). Unfortunately, you can only do it once. What skill would you learn, and why?
Chris Sheehan: If I could acquire the skill of ultimate pharmacology which would allow me to create treatments for any disease known to man, I think that would rule. I think that definitely would make more of a difference to the world than you could ever hope to achieve in any other fashion.
Not to be morbid, but let's assume that (a) you've died, and (b) you filled out an organ donor card and potential recipients are lining up. Which part of your body do you think will be most sought-after? Are there any bits no-one will want?
Chris Sheehan: I have a pretty strong left arm from pitching in high school and college, so that might be worth something. My liver's not in great shape, most likely.
There are literally hundreds of euphemisms for masturbation. What's the best one you've heard?
Chris Sheehan: Suffolking the Fens.
A few years ago, anal sex was still taboo; nowadays it's trendy. What will be the next major sexual taboo to fall?
Chris Sheehan: French Kissing.
What, in your opinion, is the best book ever written? And why?
Chris Sheehan: Thomas Pynchon's V (at least the best I've read) because it's one of those books where you just get the vaguest notion of what's going on and it's sad and beautiful all at once.
The USA needs a universal health care system. So far, no President has gotten anywhere near implementing one. Why do you think they keep failing? (Bonus: Outline your own plan for universal health care in 100 words or less.)
Chris Sheehan: For the same reason capitalism hasn't worked in the former Soviet Republics: you can't teach an old dog a new trick overnight.
· · · · · · ·
There is a theory that suggests the two different sides of the brain control two different "modes" of thinking, and that each of us prefers one mode over the other. Chris Sheehan, the one-man virtuoso who is Cleveland's The Celebrity Pilots, may disprove this theory; he divides his time between songwriting, playing keys for Bob Pollard and guitar with Doug Gillard (formerly of Guided by Voices ), and working as a NASA engineer who designs International Space Station Experiments. This combination of left-brain logic and right-brain artistry has produced the Celebrity Pilots' debut CD, Beneath the Pavement, A Beach!, a lush, timeless pop vision, to be released on Sunken Treasure Records on September 13, 2005. "The 'math' side of my brain helps in the composition stage of my music," says Sheehan, "but ultimately I'm striving to create songs that are interesting on an emotional level."
-- George Zahora
| 
