IF YOU WERE OFFERED A 60-SECOND SPOT DURING PRIME-TIME TELEVISION TO
SAY OR PROMOTE ANYTHING YOU WANTED, HOW WOULD YOU USE THE TIME?
Mark Hedman: I'd scratch a dog's tummy so its leg would kick in reflexive pleasure the
whole time. A canine koan, if you will.
YOUR HOME IS BURNING DOWN. EVERYONE -- FAMILY, PETS, ETC. -- IS SAFELY
OUT OF IT. YOU HAVE TIME TO GO IN AND "SAVE" ONE ITEM. WHAT DO YOU GO
AFTER?
Mark Hedman: My arsonist's handbook.
IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO PISS OFF YOUR DENTIST, WHAT FOOD WOULD YOU
EAT RIGHT BEFORE HAVING YOUR TEETH CLEANED?
Mark Hedman: Her/his sandwich.
WHICH WOULD BE MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU: FREE HEALTH-CARE FOR EVERYONE,
OR A FREE COLLEGE EDUCATION FOR EVERYONE?
Mark Hedman: If everyone could get their M.D. then healthcare would be much cheaper. Hmmm... stethoscope futures would be through the roof!
OTHER THAN PLAYING MUSIC, WHAT OTHER SKILLS DO YOU HAVE THAT WOULD
ENTERTAIN A PAYING AUDIENCE?
Mark Hedman: Speling.
YOU ARE LOCKED IN A ROOM WITH A TICKING TIME BOMB. WITH 30 SECONDS LEFT,
YOU'VE GOT TO DECIDE WHETHER TO CUT THE RED WIRE, THE BLUE WIRE OR
THE GREEN WIRE. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHICH WIRE TO CUT?
Mark Hedman: Whichever one God told Reggie White not to cut.
IF YOU HAD TO EAT THE SAME THREE MEALS EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR
LIFE, WHAT WOULD THEY BE?
Mark Hedman: Brunch, Supper, and Dinner. Actually, my parents tried to trip me up with
that very question when I was but a wee lad.
IF YOU COULD REQUIRE A VENUE TO GIVE YOU ANY ONE ITEM, HOWEVER
EXTRAVAGANT, BESIDES THE USUAL WATER/SODA/BEER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Mark Hedman: Our "guarantee."
WHAT BAD HABIT DO YOU HAVE THAT WOULD BE MOST LIKELY TO CAUSE YOU TO LOSE
A 9 TO 5 OFFICE JOB?
Mark Hedman: I make passive-aggressive remarks about other people's office equipment,
like: [sarcastically] "Hey, nice pencil, Sal."
IF YOU COULD WALK INTO ANY PAINTING OR PHOTO AND ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE THE
MOMENT IT DEPICTS, WHICH PAINTING/PHOTO WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
Mark Hedman: Any Beetle Bailey comic 'coz that Sarge needs a good poke in the chops. And
I'm just the man to give it to 'm.
IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE "SUPER POWER" (HEAT VISION, FLIGHT, ETC.), WHAT
SUPERPOWER WOULD YOU WANT?
Mark Hedman: To look at anyone and be able to determine their correct dosage of
over-the-counter antihistamine.
IF YOUR FANS DECIDED TO SHOW THEIR APPRECIATION BY THROWING SOMETHING
"USEFUL" AT YOU WHILE YOU'RE PLAYING, WHAT WOULD YOU MOST WANT THEM TO
THROW?
Mark Hedman: Coasters with their headshots and autographs.
IF, IN ADDITION TO YOUR CURRENT RESIDENCE, YOU COULD MAINTAIN ANOTHER HOME
ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
Mark Hedman: Across the street so I could spy on myself.
YOU'VE HEARD THE EXPRESSION "THEY COULDN'T PAY ME ENOUGH TO DO THAT JOB."
FOR YOU, WHAT IS "THAT JOB"?
Mark Hedman: Styrofoam egg carton tester. I hate that frickin' sound.
WHICH WOULD YOU LEAST WANT POSTED ON THE INTERNET: NUDE PICTURES OF YOU,
OR YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER(S)? WHY?
Mark Hedman: Nude pictures. Two words: sympathy sex.
SUDDENLY, YOUR DENTAL WORK HAS STARTED PICKING UP A RADIO STATION -- 24
HOURS A DAY. WHAT SORT OF RADIO PROGRAMMING WILL DRIVE YOU MAD THE FASTEST?
Mark Hedman: The all styrofoam channel.
IF EVERYONE HAD TO WEAR A HAT AT ALL TIMES, WHAT KIND OF HAT WOULD YOU
WEAR?
Mark Hedman: One that looks like a bad wig. Then I could give smart-alecky answers to
the hat police with impunity.
WHAT WORLD RECORD WOULD YOU MOST WANT TO SET?
Mark Hedman: Most ambiguous metaphor/acronym.
WHAT ANIMAL SOCIAL TRAIT DO YOU MOST WISH HUMANS WOULD ACQUIRE?
Mark Hedman: Religion.
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY WOULD YOU LEAST MIND HAVING AMPUTATED?
Mark Hedman: Whatever nerve cells that allow me to remember that I never had a career as
a small forward for the LA Clippers.
