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Various religions suggest that there's a "special" hell for certain sins (hurting children, being cruel to animals, using the word "blog" as a verb, etc). Who else needs a "special" hell?
Diana Darby: George W. Bush.
Due to poor financial planning, you've got to eat for an entire week on only US$10. What do you buy, food-wise?
Diana Darby: Nothing that clucks, moos, or gurgles.
What's the biggest misconception that people have about you?
Diana Darby: I wouldn't know. You'd have to go ask them.
What's the worst injury you've ever suffered for your art (i.e. second degree burns from shorted-out mic, broken leg from failed stage dive)? Tell us about it.
Diana Darby: Putting up with fuckers like you. Reviewers who write about my albums when it's obvious they haven't even listened to them. (Editor's Note: Diana's new book -- Tactful Tactics: How to Win Friends and Say the Right Thing in Any Situation -- is due in March, 2006 from Criterion Books. Why not pre-order it now?)
You've got unlimited funding and technical expertise to make an IMAX movie on the topic of your choice. What do you choose? Describe the obligatory vertigo-inducing camera shot that makes the entire audience clutch their stomachs.
Diana Darby: The disintegration of Intimacy in America. How we have become a society dominated by email, "reality" TV shows and iPods, and how we hunger for a real connection to each other.
You've locked your car keys inside the tour van and don't have AAA. How do you get the door open?
Diana Darby: I don't drive a tour van.
Ever find useful stuff in the garbage? Describe your best-ever dumpster find and how you used it.
Diana Darby: The only thing I ever found in the garbage was a dead bird.
In the UK, trying to kill the Queen is still technically a capital offence. If the Queen tried to commit suicide and failed, could she be sentenced to death? Explain.
Diana Darby: She's already dead, isn't she?
If you were a 50ft high Tyrannosaurus Rex, would you use your powers for good or evil? Who would you go after first?
Diana Darby: Definitely good. George W. Bush.
You've decided to write a musical. What's it about and who's the star?
Diana Darby: I am writing a musical. I can't tell you what it's about except that it involves "The Clash".
What's your favorite board game? Why do you like it?
Diana Darby: Twister. Why do you think?
Everyone likes at least one cheesy/crappy song that totally kills their cred. What's yours?
Diana Darby: "Cheese and Onions" by the Rutles.
The standard touring vehicle is always a beat-up van. What has been the worst/weirdest method of conveyance you've had to use on a tour?
Diana Darby: A Camel.
What was the best meal you were supplied by a tour venue? What was the worst?
Diana Darby: (Best) Pumpkin tortellini in Italy. (Worst) Anything I ate in Germany.
Will it ever truly be possible to "rock the vote", or will apathy, indifference and laziness always triumph over activism?
Diana Darby: I don't know, look who's in charge right now of our country and look at the direction we're going in and I think you have your answer.
You discover a new disease, "(Your name here)'s Syndrome". What are its symptoms? What is the cure for "(Your name here)'s Syndrome"?
Diana Darby: "Darby's Syndrome". Symptoms are heightened sensitivity to surroundings including noise, light, clothing, people and an incurable sadness. The cure: There is none. It's incurable. The only thing you can do is lock yourself in a hole and come out naked when no one's around.
You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about. What would you like to cry about?
Diana Darby: This world.
The Iraq War.
Katrina.
George W. Bush.
Gas Prices.
The Deficit.
These questions.
If you could watch one historical event re-enacted by a cast of chimpanzees, which one would it be, and why?
Diana Darby: The election or rather mandate of George W.Bush as President by the Supreme Court. I'd love to see Scalia eating a banana while Thomas picks fleas out of his ass.
What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen (and don't choose one of your own)?
Diana Darby: I hate tattoos.
How long after an unopened gallon of milk's "use-by" date has passed would you be willing to use it?
Diana Darby: I don't drink milk.
What is the most unusual item you've thrown up on/in?
Diana Darby: Please, don't be absurd.
Do you prefer the term "underwear" or "underpants"? What does that say about you?
Diana Darby: What does the question say about you!
You've been asked to submit an anecdote or "tip" to a book called Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned On Tour With My Band. What do you tell them?
Diana Darby: I don't have a band.
What basic freedoms are you prepared to give up in exchange for your and your family's safety?
Diana Darby: None. We aren't any safer by giving up freedoms. We're only one step closer to the world George Orwell predicted in 1984.
Due to a breakthrough in technology, it's possible to learn any skill, no matter how complex, pretty much instantly, by uploading the information directly into your brain (yes, like in The Matrix). Unfortunately, you can only do it once. What skill would you learn, and why?
Diana Darby: The ability to know when people are lying. Because people rarely tell the truth.
Not to be morbid, but let's assume that (a) you've died, and (b) you filled out an organ donor card and potential recipients are lining up. Which part of your body do you think will be most sought-after? Are there any bits no-one will want?
Diana Darby: (They'll want) My heart. (They won't want) My lungs -- I lived in LA for too many years.
A long-lost possession has turned up on Ebay, and you're prepared to pay much more than it's worth just to finally get it back. What is it? Why is it worth so much to you?
Diana Darby: My virginity. I can't tell you.
You've been given the resources and financial backing to create a new satellite TV network that caters specifically to your tastes and the tastes of people like you. What's it called, and what does it show?
Diana Darby: It's called NPR and it's not on TV.
There are literally hundreds of euphemisms for masturbation. What's the best one you've heard?
Diana Darby: Consorting With Angels.
Which is worse: downloading an album and burning copies for five friends, or shoplifting one physical copy of the same CD from an overpriced national retailer? Explain your answer.
Diana Darby: I'm sorry. I honestly have no idea how to answer a question like this.
A few years ago, anal sex was still taboo; nowadays it's trendy. What will be the next major sexual taboo to fall?
Diana Darby: Sex with sheep.
What, in your opinion, is the best book ever written? And why?
Diana Darby: The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov. I don't remember anymore, because I read it so long ago. But I kept it in my bookshelf so it must mean something.
The USA needs a universal healthcare system. So far, no President has gotten anywhere near implementing one. Why do you think they keep failing? (Bonus: Outline your own plan for universal healthcare in 100 words or less.)
Diana Darby: I think they keep failing because they aren't really trying and because of the political pressure drug lobbyists and the AMA have on our politicians. I don't think Health Care is on the minds of our Senators and Presidents when their health care is paid for and all their rich friends' health care is paid for. My plan: health care would be based on a sliding scale. The poor would pay a much smaller percentage of their income than the rich. In cases of extreme poverty, health care would be free. Doctors would be given incentives for doing pro-bono work and the focus would be on changing diet and prevention rather than hooking people on pills. Health care should be a basic right for everyone in America.
Right this moment, what are you most looking forward to?
Diana Darby: Taking a bath. My back hurts.
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The Magdalene Laundries, Diana Darby's third collection of bittersweet, apocalyptic folk ballads, hit stores last month with a resounding "thwack".
-- George Zahora
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