What band did you listen to most during the eighties? Do you still like them?
Jay Pellicci: That's a toss up between MC Hammer (before he sold out) and Poison. Don't ask me how those could be my favorite bands. Unfortunately I'd be lying if I told you that I still liked either of them.
What is your worst memory of elementary school? Of high school?
Jay Pellicci: My worst memory of elementary school would have to be throwing up in the middle of class. I ate a lot of green vegetables and rice the previous night, so you can imagine how it looked. The other kids told me that it looked like I ate a lot of Oreos. I was a fat kid, but those were definitely not Oreos. Worst high school memory? I think this is going to sound typical, but all of it.
You're about to -- ahem -- get lucky. What album is playing in the background? Why'd you choose it?
Jay Pellicci: Herbie Hancock's Headhunters, because everyone knows it's all in the rhythm.
What was the first thing you ever shoplifted? Why did you take it?
Jay Pellicci: I've never shoplifted because it's immoral and clearly violates at least one of the ten commandments.
If you could beat up anyone in the world and get away without the usual annoying real-world consequences -- jail time, lawsuits, bad press, etc. --who would it be, and why?
Jay Pellicci: This is an easy question to answer. It would definitely be Stephen Jenkins of Third Eye Blind. Do I even have to say why? Okay, well, watch any interview of him, or hell, just listen to his goddamn voice.
What's the biggest risk you've ever taken? Why did you take it?
Jay Pellicci: I ate a lot of felt because I wanted to feel "soft". Do you know what it's like trying to pass a yard of felt?
It's better to regret something you have done than it is to regret something you haven't done. What do you regret doing (other than agreeing to answer these questions)? Why did you do it?
Jay Pellicci: I mainly regret using silverware. I think the only reason why I did it in the first place was because the pressures of society forced me.
Did you go to your high school prom? If so, who did you go with?
Jay Pellicci: No sir.
What movie would you recommend to absolutely anyone? Why?
Jay Pellicci: Booty Call, because it has a lot of answers.
For reasons we won't bother going into right now, you're going to be locked in the back of a truck for a sixteen hour drive between gigs. If you could have any musician, past or present, back there to keep you company, who would it be?
Jay Pellicci: Any musician that is dead, mute, or always in a drug induced coma. That way I wouldn't have to talk to them.
What is your strongest, most unshakeable belief?
Jay Pellicci: That I will never die, and that pegged pants will make a comeback.
What's the worst band you've ever heard? Why do they suck?
Jay Pellicci: This is easy, too. It'd have to be the Beatles because they can't settle on one thing. Either them or the Velvet Underground -- those guys are too cynical. Oh, and Hella. Those guys are really boring. And Bob Dylan because he can't sing.
If you were a porn star, what would your "porn name" be?
Jay Pellicci: Stan Chambers.
You're on your way to a show, and all of a sudden you find yourself in the middle of a huge four-way battle between pirates, ninjas, robots and intelligent apes from the future. Your only hope of getting to your gig is to pick a side. Who do you join, and why?
Jay Pellicci: I would side with the robots, mainly because they wouldn't have any body odor. Also, they might be able to fly, which might help me get to places more punctually.
If you could sponsor any beverage -- appear in their ads, receive a lifetime supply and never be seen drinking a competing product -- what beverage would it be?
Jay Pellicci: The first company to make a meat-flavored soda beverage.
The best venue you've ever played? What's the worst? Why?
Jay Pellicci: Well, I like a lot of venues, but the Blackbird definitely has the best sounding monitor and front-of-house I've experienced. The Hemlock is really nice and intimate, too. But I don't think I have an all-time favorite.
What's wrong with Rolling Stone these days?
Jay Pellicci: False advertising -- that's what's wrong.
Why are frogs amusing?
Jay Pellicci: This question assumes that there is the universal thought that frogs are amusing, when in fact, the thing that really is amusing is that humans walk and don't hop.
You've traveled back in time and met yourself, age sixteen. What do you think?
Jay Pellicci: Why did I have long hair?
Which would be worse: three hours on a bus full of four year-olds, or three hours on a bus full of eighty year-olds? Why?
Jay Pellicci: The four year-olds would be worse. They'd be hyperactive and yelling and screaming and running all over the place and would smell like apple juice.
The US government is considering far more aggressive regulation of leather pants. Under the new rules, who should or shouldn't be allowed to wear them?
Jay Pellicci: Only thin women should be able to wear them, but they'd have to pass a series of tests that measure their dexterity, IQ, and other such things. But basically it'd come down to them having to look "sexy" in them.
What, in your opinion, is the best porn?
Jay Pellicci: Anything with a hermaphrodite.
What item could you eat every day for the rest of your life without getting bored of it? What's so good about it?
Jay Pellicci: The "chicken over broken rice" at this really good Vietnamese vegetarian restaurant. It tastes like chicken, or at least the way I remember chicken, and it's a tad spicy and "good".
Will the next Star Wars movie suck? Why or why not?
Jay Pellicci: Yes, it will suck, if for no other reason than unreachable expectations.
How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?
Jay Pellicci: Four, eight and/or six, depending on his height, weight, and if he likes Yanni.
Everyone's replacing their least-favorite body parts with cybernetic ones. Which part(s) of your body would you replace?
Jay Pellicci: Everything. That way I could fulfill my dream of immortality and chrome buttocks.
What topics or statements would inspire you to call in to a talk radio program?
Jay Pellicci: A cat that could drive an automobile, like Toonces.
What album(s) should everyone be given on their eighteenth birthday?
Jay Pellicci: Coil's Time Machines, Deerhoof's Reveille and Half Bird, Van Halen's 1984, Hella's Hold Your Horse Is, any Gorge Trio album, any Curtains album, Rumah Sakit's self-titled one and Nirvana's Nevermind.
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Dilute are from Fremont, California, but they're not holdovers from the hippie enclave that inhabited that fair city. Fremont is near San Francisco, if you're curious, and even if you're not.
-- George Zahora