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Emok's Ofer Tiberin takes a gander at the POINTLESS QUESTIONS

Emok (photo: Ami Barwell)

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You can choose to have one -- and only one -- super power. Other than gaining that power, you remain exactly the same as you are now. What super power would you pick, and why?

Ofer Tiberin: I'd like to have multi effects unit in my throat with easy access buttons on the neck so I could speak distortion, chorus, delay et cetera ... An 18" speaker installed in my belly, tweeters in my ears, with a tube power amp instead of my ass (the tube should go right in the asshole), a multi track recorder in my chest with a mic instead of my dick getting phantom power from my balls.

What was your favorite day job, and why? If you hated them all, what was the best (meaning most interesting) way you ever quit a job?

Ofer Tiberin: (way back) One stupid afternoon I made a bet with a friend of mine -- who will hold out longer having a job as a corpse cleaner in a local hospital in northern Israel. He quit on the third day, I did on the forth.

We've all heard variations on the phrase "there are two kinds of people in the world... Those who (do or think something) and those who (do or think something else)". What are the two kinds of people in the world for you?

Ofer Tiberin: There are those who sink and those who sink deeper. Shit floats.

If money/ambition/significant others/et cetera were all non-issues, where would you choose to live and why?

Ofer Tiberin: I would live on a ship that travels the oceans and stops every night at a different beach. I'll have a recording studio at the bottom of the ship with huge glass floor and windows to see the outside, we'll have shows on the ship and we'll record one album at the Pacific ocean the next one the Atlantic ocean and than we'll go to the Mediterranean, etc.

Summarize your driving ability in 25 words or less.

Ofer Tiberin: In NYC I'm faster than the yellow cabs. On the highway I can make the striped line move with the tempo of the music.

What is the function of your music in a capitalist society?

Ofer Tiberin: The function of our music in a capitalist society is to capitalize the capitalists and put a capital punishment on the capitalistic.

You've just entered a contest in which the prize is an MP3 player loaded with the complete, exhaustive recorded output of any artist you choose. You win. Who do you choose?

Ofer Tiberin: The Melvins.

What are you carrying on your person -- in your pockets, purse, et cetera -- right now?

Ofer Tiberin: Ear plugs.

You're on tour, you're in an unfamiliar city, you haven't eaten in 24 hours, and due to some poor financial decisions, you have only a single unit of the local currency -- one dollar, one pound, or thereabouts. What do you eat?

Ofer Tiberin: Falafel.

What was the last song you danced to? Who, if anyone, did you dance with?

Ofer Tiberin: Every Tuesday eve at 8:00 p.m. sharp I dance to the whole soundtrack CD of The Sound of Music, naked, by myself. I'm trying to get partners to join me but with not much luck so far. Anyone?

When did you last make a mountain out of a molehill?

Ofer Tiberin: When? Mmm... I think it was June '98. Yes, I'm sure, It was the 21st of June '98.

Post-Schwarzenegger, are there any high-profile people you'd like to see run for governor or other high office? Who and why?

Ofer Tiberin: Little Bow Wow could make a cool president.

Apart from cheeseburgers, what is the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast?

Ofer Tiberin: Apart from cheeseburgers?! Is there anything apart from cheeseburgers? For any meal?

Have you ever seen a ghost? Or a dead body? Tell us about it.

Ofer Tiberin: I had two Labradors -- a young black one called Martin and an old white one called Fender. I saw the school bus running over Martin and I saw what was left of him. I guess Fender saw it too 'cause he died of old age on that evening. Other than that you can refer to the favorite day job answer.

Let's assume that God is a DJ. What's on His playlist right now?

Ofer Tiberin: Chaosphere (Meshugga).

Who was your favourite teacher in high school? Why?

Ofer Tiberin: My English teacher. Everyone liked the English teacher -- the students, the other teachers, the principle, even my father liked the English teacher.

What essential item are you most likely to leave at home when you're heading out on tour? What do you do about it?

Ofer Tiberin: That would my huge telescope. What I do is I take a lot of small ones and attach them one to another. If you take two telescopes and place them looking at each other and then look through the lens, everything looks normal!

Aliens have just landed, and you get to select the Earth's goodwill ambassador. Who do you pick, and why?

Ofer Tiberin: Mike Tyson. The aliens are like dogs, they can see your inner soul.

You wake up one morning and discover that you have dolphin telepathy. What do you do with it?

Ofer Tiberin: I'll try reading my own thoughts. Maybe one day I'll understand me.

You've just been hit in the face with a large chocolate cream pie. How do you react?

Ofer Tiberin: At this point nothing would matter anyhow.

Assuming that you must choose one, which would you rather listen to for an hour: Christian rock, mainstream country or Jessica Simpson?

Ofer Tiberin: I'll play them all together -- it might be great.

What is the most awkward moment in which you have caught a person adjusting, scratching, or otherwise handling his or her own genitals?

Ofer Tiberin: Mmm... let's see, there was that time when my brother scratched his balls while talking to my grandma, but there was also the time he was naked and grandma scratched it for him.

You're sitting in a pub when an errant dart from the games area strikes you in the leg. With the dart pointing out of your body, do you pull it out, shout for help or attack the jackass who hit you?

Ofer Tiberin: Exactly! I will pull it out, shout for help, and attack the jackass who hit me.

Which reality TV game show could you see yourself as a winning contestant on? Explain.

Ofer Tiberin: The only reality TV game show I watch is Fear Factor, and the only thing I wouldn't do is to eat a pig's rectum.

What is the strangest thing you've ever had for breakfast?

Ofer Tiberin: Dinner.

· · · · · · ·

Emok are a hard-hitting, precedent breaking three piece whose members originally hail from Israel and are currently residing in Brooklyn. Their debut album Shove Your Head into the Ground and Feed It to the Earth will be released on Wrong Records Feburary 22, 2005.

-- George Zahora

Splendid is always looking for artists and bands who can answer our Pointless Questions quickly and cleverly. We mostly do them by e-mail, so they're quick and painless...unless you can't type. E-mail us for more information!



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