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Various religions suggest that there's a "special" hell for certain sins (hurting children, being cruel to animals, using the word "blog" as a verb, etc). Who else needs a "special" hell?
Matthew Baker: Christians, for saying that gays can't be married.
Due to poor financial planning, you've got to eat for an entire week on only US$10. What do you buy, food-wise?
Matthew Baker: A large bag of rice. The Orientals have it figured out.
What's the biggest misconception that people have about you?
Matthew Baker: That I don't enjoy birdwatching 99 percent of my life.
You've locked your car keys inside the tour van and don't have AAA. How do you get the door open?
Matthew Baker: Coat hanger. It's been done before.
Ever find useful stuff in the garbage? Describe your best-ever dumpster find and how you used it.
Matthew Baker: Behind the physics department at the University of Western Ontario
in London, a friend found a sound oscillator in the garbage. It's now a
permanent member of Full White Drag, and made the album The
Independence what it was.
In the UK, trying to kill the Queen is still technically a capital offence. If the Queen tried to commit suicide and failed, could she be sentenced to death? Explain.
Matthew Baker: No, she should be given another shot at it, and it should be turned
into a reality TV show.
If you were a 50ft high tyrannosaurus rex, would you use your powers for good or evil? Who would you go after first?
Matthew Baker: So much good. I would knock over all the billboard advertisements
that have sprung up in our city. It would be genius. I'd make the news
for sure, and I'd have a group of followers surrounding me, preventing
the authorities from stopping me.
You've decided to write a musical. What's it about and who's the star?
Matthew Baker: It's about George W. Bush, and it features the music of Queen.
What's your favorite board game? Why do you like it?
Matthew Baker: Fireball Island. It's so 3D and so exciting! You never know when
someone is going to pull the "fireball" card and possibly knock you
over! It's the best! And the ruby is so darn pretty. So much intensity
in such a small package.
Everyone likes at least one cheesy/crappy song that totally kills their cred. What's yours?
Matthew Baker: "Escapade" by Janet Jackson. From the Rhythm Nation 1814 album. So amazing.
Will it ever truly be possible to "rock the vote", or will apathy, indifference and laziness always triumph over activism?
Matthew Baker: "Rocking the Vote" was doomed as soon as it was named. No one is
going to want to be a part of an NBC Saturday morning commercial
called "Rock the Vote". It needs a better name.
You discover a new disease, "(your name here)'s syndrome". What are its symptoms? What is the cure for "(your name here)'s syndrome"?
Matthew Baker: Matt Baker Syndrome involves making way more plans than would fit
in the time you're allotted in any given day (ie. 24 hours). You're
constantly spreading yourself too thin, and disappointing those around
you with your half-assedness. Unfortunately there is no cure.
You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about. What would you like to cry about?
Matthew Baker: The common goldeneye that got lost in the fog a couple of weeks
ago. It's a kind of duck that is found here in the winter. It thought
our street was a river, so it landed on it sometime during the night.
At some point during the night it was hit by a car. I found it on the
street the next day. I stared at it for a long time, and thought about
it for a week after. It was the saddest thing I've seen in a long time.
If you could watch one historical event re-enacted by a cast of chimpanzees, which one would it be, and why?
Matthew Baker: The 2004 Republican National Convention.
What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen (and don't choose one of your own)?
Matthew Baker: I once had a temporary tattoo that was two feet long and half a foot
wide. It was of an eagle with its wings spread, with a snake in its
talons. Full color. I would actually get that tattooed on my if I
could find someone to render it perfectly.
How long after an unopened gallon of milk's "use-by" date has passed would you be willing to use it?
Matthew Baker: Not long. I'd say the next day would be it. If it's two percent, I would throw
it out a few days before its expiration date. Does the USA have two percent
milk? I don't know.
You've been asked to submit an anecdote or "tip" to a book called Everything I Need To Know About Life I Learned On Tour With My Band. What do you tell them?
Matthew Baker: You actually don't need to eat three times a day, despite what
commercials and teachers tell you.
Due to a breakthrough in technology, it's possible to learn any skill, no matter how complex, pretty much instantly, by uploading the information directly into your brain (yes, like in the matrix). Unfortunately, you can only do it once. What skill would you learn, and why?
Matthew Baker: I'd learn how the whole aforementioned system worked, and make it
so that I could do it repeatedly. I would become so full of knowledge
that I would turn into energy. It would be genius.
Not to be morbid, but let's assume that (a) you've died, and (b) you filled out an organ donor card and potential recipients are lining up. Which part of your body do you think will be most sought-after? Are there any bits no-one will want?
Matthew Baker: No one would want my nose. I've been told I have a nice back. Can
you donate a back?
A long-lost possession has turned up on Ebay, and you're prepared to pay much more than it's worth just to finally get it back. What is it? Why is it worth so much to you?
Matthew Baker: It's my blanket I keep next to my bed, and have since birth. It's
called my "gummy". It has a hole in it where I'd put my thumb through
when I used to suck on it.
You've been given the resources and financial backing to create a new satellite TV network that caters specifically to your tastes and the tastes of people like you. What's it called, and what does it show?
Matthew Baker: The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross, 24 hours a day. It is the most
relaxing show ever created. Higher states of relaxation are reached
when viewing this show. Or just a birdwatching channel.
There are literally hundreds of euphemisms for masturbation. What's the best one you've heard?
Matthew Baker: It's not a word, but a motion. Rub your hands together over your
crotch as if to simulate that masturbatory action. Think about it. So
when someone asks you what you're doing later, you can say
"masturbating like this...", then do the action.
Which is worse: downloading an album and burning copies for five friends, or shoplifting one physical copy of the same CD from an overpriced national retailer? Explain your answer.
Matthew Baker: Stealing is bad, but exciting. If my five friends were there to watch
me do it, it would be hilarious. Especially if I got caught. Burning
is boring and wasteful.
A few years ago, anal sex was still taboo; nowadays it's trendy. What will be the next major sexual taboo to fall?
Matthew Baker: Cheating. Sex is really no big deal. If everyone was allowed to
sleep around with whomever they wanted, everyone would be way more
relaxed. Relationships would be stronger than ever, because they
wouldn't be dependent on sex, as so many are. People would actually
date someone because of their personality, not because of looks.
What, in your opinion, is the best book ever written? And why?
Matthew Baker: An Old Captivity by Nevil Chute. The dream sequence and the
ending, and how they tie together, is beyond incredible.
The USA needs a universal healthcare system. So far, no president has gotten anywhere near implementing one. Why do you think they keep failing? (Bonus: outline your own plan for universal healthcare in 100 words or less.)
Matthew Baker: The Reptilian Agenda! So they're not really failing, they're just
not doing it.
Right this very second, what are you most looking forward to, and why?
Matthew Baker: Going to Florida in March. Taking pictures of Spanish moss and
trailer parks, seeing brown pelicans, laughing gulls and other
southern birds, and smelling salt water.
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Full White Drag released a brand new five-song EP, Everything Will Fall On One Night, on February 15th, 2005.
-- George Zahora
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