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Various religions suggest that there's a "special" hell for certain sins (hurting children, being cruel to animals, using the word "blog" as a verb, etc). Who else needs a "special" hell?
Fido Kennington: Conservative "Christians" who pretend to know Jesus. And Joe Cocker.
Due to poor financial planning, you've got to eat for an entire week on only US$10. What do you buy, food-wise?
Fido Kennington: A 10-pack of ramen ($2.50), a box of oats (.99), bread (.99), one jar each of peanut butter and raspberry jelly ($2), 1/2 gallon of milk (.99), bundle of carrots ($1.20), a one-lb. bundle of greens (.89)... plus tax=$10!
What's the biggest misconception that people have about you?
Fido Kennington: Well, I'm obviously not the person to ask; I can only assume what others think of me. But that being said, my email ID is Fido Fork 9, not Fido For K9! I may be a kinky pervert, but bestiality? Like, eww...
What's the worst injury you've ever suffered for your art (i.e. second degree burns from shorted-out mic, broken leg from failed stage dive)? Tell us about it.
Fido Kennington: Nothing major. But plenty of blood-spattered drumheads over the last 20 years can attest to my commitment.
You've got unlimited funding and technical expertise to make an IMAX movie on the topic of your choice. What do you choose? Describe the obligatory vertigo-inducing camera shot that makes the entire audience clutch their stomachs.
Fido Kennington: If I could somehow combine my love of surf documentaries and Belladonna pornos... oh, whatta ride! I'd collaborate with Bruce Brown, John Waters and of course the lovely Belladonna and call the result Endless Cummer. And let's just say it's not stomachs the audience would be clutching...
You've locked your car keys inside the tour van and don't have AAA. How do you get the door open?
Fido Kennington: Ask one of my mates for their spare key. If that's not an option, I'd slap each of them then call a tow truck.
Ever find useful stuff in the garbage? Describe your best-ever dumpster find and how you used it.
Fido Kennington: October '79, Swartz Creek, MI: Bobby Lutz and I walk to the car wash on 2nd St. near our houses and find one of the 55-gal. trash barrels half-full of girlie mags. And good ones: Hustler, Oui, Snatch, Easyriders -- boy howdy, we hit pervo nirvana that day! I still remember some of those pictorials; I really don't think I need to tell ya how I used them. Haha.
In the UK, trying to kill the Queen is still technically a capital offence. If the Queen tried to commit suicide and failed, could she be sentenced to death? Explain.
Fido Kennington: Nope -- the broad's infallible, right? Or am I thinking of that other meaningless figurehead-type person? Let 'em both snuff it.
If you were a 50ft high Tyrannosaurus Rex, would you use your powers for good or evil? Who would you go after first?
Fido Kennington: T-Rexes have powers? Friggin' sweet! Screw good and evil -- I'm a prehistoric beast! And a tall one too. I'd probably just go around eating and trying to plook stuff.
You've decided to write a musical. What's it about and who's the star?
Fido Kennington: It chronicles the pseudo-historical evolution of Flint, Michigan. It's called Miss Carriage Town and stars Rip Taylor.
What's your favorite board game? Why do you like it?
Fido Kennington: Scrabble, cuz I stomp ass. And Missing Match-Ups, cuz I love the original Sesame Street gang.
Everyone likes at least one cheesy/crappy song that totally kills their cred. What's yours?
Fido Kennington: Nothing kills Fido's cred, cuz everyone knows I like me some gayass music anyway. But off the top of my head? "Stay Awhile" by The Bells.
The standard touring vehicle is always a beat-up van. What has been the worst/weirdest method of conveyance you've had to use on a tour?
Fido Kennington: A full-size Chevy pickup with a 2x4/plywood bed, driven (rarely, thank Odin) by a narcoleptic Rat Of Unusual Size.
What was the best meal you were supplied by a tour venue? What was the worst?
Fido Kennington: Best: Breakfast at Marty's in Buffalo NY; Worst: Flat Schlitz and cold corn at the Komotion in San Fran CA.
Will it ever truly be possible to "rock the vote", or will apathy, indifference and laziness always triumph over activism?
Fido Kennington: Ever? Sure, maybe. I'm an optimist. But I was also president and founder of Apathy International back in high school and I was pleased and discouraged to find that we held the largest charter membership of any organization in district history. What does that tell you? Silly humans!
You discover a new disease, "(Your name here)'s Syndrome". What are its symptoms? What is the cure for "(Your name here)'s Syndrome"?
Fido Kennington: You may know Kennington's Syndrome by its original nomenclature: Satyriasis. If you find the cure, be sure to tell my penis, m'kay?
You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about. What would you like to cry about?
Fido Kennington: I look forward to the tears when the GLMS headlines Wembley Stadium, roars of joy fill my ears and all I can see are people's heads, swaying and shouting, blurring out into acres of colored dots(and the occasional "FIDO ROCKS!" banner)... Fields of people -- there's no such thing as a weed...
If you could watch one historical event re-enacted by a cast of chimpanzees, which one would it be, and why?
Fido Kennington: Woodstock, 1969. Because fuck, that's a load of monkeys! And I'd love to see one play "The Star-Spangled Banner" with every ounce of Jimi's incendiary panache.
What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen (and don't choose one of your own)?
Fido Kennington: Probably the homage to KISS on Jim Morgan's forearm; those Love Gun ladies come Alive! Whoa yeah...
How long after an unopened gallon of milk's "use-by" date has passed would you be willing to use it?
Fido Kennington: Nearly two weeks. I'm a ballsy motherscratcher. I put black caps on blue pens, bitch! Plus, we have a really cold fridge.
What is the most unusual item you've thrown up on/in?
Fido Kennington: Haha! You almost got me, but no comment... those of you who know me well can hazard a guess, though.
Do you prefer the term "underwear" or "underpants"? What does that say about you?
Fido Kennington: Well, when I'm not going commando, I employ "underwear" -- "underpants" is what I like to yank off of others; I guess that says that I'm a dirty, dirty boy.
You've been asked to submit an anecdote or "tip" to a book called Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned On Tour With My Band. What do you tell them?
Fido Kennington: Keep the ol' undercarriage clean, bro. And bring enuff snacks for all of us.
What basic freedoms are you prepared to give up in exchange for your and your family's safety?
Fido Kennington: Generally, none; freedom and safety go hand in hand. Specifically? I'll eat those words when the cupboards are bare.
Due to a breakthrough in technology, it's possible to learn any skill, no matter how complex, pretty much instantly, by uploading the information directly into your brain (yes, like in The Matrix). Unfortunately, you can only do it once. What skill would you learn, and why?
Fido Kennington: The complex skill of survival. The ability to live (and prosper) off the land, in any condition or clime, no matter how adverse.
Not to be morbid, but let's assume that (a) you've died, and (b) you filled out an organ donor card and potential recipients are lining up. Which part of your body do you think will be most sought-after? Are there any bits no-one will want?
Fido Kennington: I don't know, which is the unfortunate result of having no doctor or current medical history -- yet I won't care, which is the fortunate result of being dead!
A long-lost possession has turned up on Ebay, and you're prepared to pay much more than it's worth just to finally get it back. What is it? Why is it worth so much to you?
Fido Kennington: The big cardboard Blatz case full of family photos; they were lost, along with everything else we owned, when a neighbor burned down our house in '81.
You've been given the resources and financial backing to create a new satellite TV network that caters specifically to your tastes and the tastes of people like you. What's it called, and what does it show?
Fido Kennington: It's called "Holy Shit! Are You Watching This?"; by day, it features only the most arcane multi-genre concert/archival video music footage, punctuated by vintage commercials. By night, commercial-free porn, navigable by an interactive menu and sortable by genre.
There are literally hundreds of euphemisms for masturbation. What's the best one you've heard?
Fido Kennington: Preemptive infanticide.
Which is worse: downloading an album and burning copies for five friends, or shoplifting one physical copy of the same CD from an overpriced national retailer? Explain your answer.
Fido Kennington: Shoplifting; it has negative consequences, or at least it should. Having been online for more than a decade, I am of the(probably outmoded) opinion that the Internet and all its wondrous bounty should be free and gratis.
A few years ago, anal sex was still taboo; nowadays it's trendy. What will be the next major sexual taboo to fall?
Fido Kennington: Public sex. Well, at least a boy can dream...
What, in your opinion, is the best book ever written? And why?
Fido Kennington: The "best"? I personally never get tired of reading Bradbury's The Illustrated Man, but if, for instance, rock bands equaled books, The Beatles = The Bible, in terms of pervasive influence. It is a cool book, and it shifted the proverbial paradigm, to say the least, but it sure has fucked up a lot of people and civilizations. So yeah, it probably did what it set out to do on a grander scale than any other tome ever written. Too bad there's no Gospel According to Flynt...
The USA needs a universal healthcare system. So far, no President has gotten anywhere near implementing one. Why do you think they keep failing? (Bonus: Outline your own plan for universal healthcare in 100 words or less.)
Fido Kennington: Because we keep electing shortsighted capitalist morons! 'Nuff said. Bonus: Move to Canada, hoser.
Right this very second, what are you most looking forward to, and why?
Fido Kennington: Gettin' paid and gettin' laid, mama! Oh yeah, and lunch! I can't believe I answered this whole cottonpickin' thing without stopping to eat. Let's hope one of these witty nuggets sees print...
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Great Lakes Myth Society's self-titled debut was finally released a few weeks ago, after something like 18 months of waiting. It's in stores now, and they're on tour. Check 'em out.
-- George Zahora
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