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You are seriously ill. There are two vaccines that will save your life, but both have side effects: one will permanently eliminate your sense of taste, and the other will permanently eliminate all feeling in your genitals. Which vaccine would you choose?
Theo: I know I am seriously ill, but I dont think I need a vaccine for it.
Without taste, how could I ever taste genitals? But if I didn't have
genitals I wouldnt be able to taste them, either. I think I would have
to lose my taste over genitals. At least I could still touch, and I
could trust other people to find out what things taste like, and if I
really wanted to know what my genitals tasted like, I could also rely
on a little help from a friend.
Somehow you've gotten into a fight with someone twice your size.
Where do you aim the first punch?
Theo: Well, I dont fight, so it's hard to imagine. But I did just punch the
guy from Unwritten Law in the nuts. But nobody is twice the size of me -- I am the Greek giant. I guess I would still punch them in the nuts. Even if they were smaller than me I would punch them in the nuts. But again -- I dont think I would punch anyone in the nuts, and who is to
say somone twice the size is going to be a guy? If it was a girl, I wouldn't punch her at all.
The "fast-forward" and "skip" buttons on all your stereo equipment
are broken, and you can't afford to repair them right now. For the
time being, you can only listen to albums from beginning to end,
without skipping any songs. What albums in your collection are still
listenable?
Theo: AC/DC's Back In Black, anything from The Swollen Members, The World According to Gob (just kidding -- that's not very funny) and Destiny's Child's CD single of "Bootylicious".
If given the perfect opportunity to be unjust, would a just person
succumb to it?
Theo: I'm not really sure; you would have to ask a just person. I'm just Greek.
Sure? Why not...
You've been asked to write the Encyclopedia Britannica entry on
yourself. What does it say?
Theo: "Gob: Nuts, balls, weiners." And it would have a picture beside it of a toilet.
You've somehow been given the chance to spend the day with a
character (not an actor) from any film or television program. Who do
you choose?
Theo: Each Gob guy would be transformed into one of the Golden Girls.
If you could instantly learn to play one instrument that you don't
currently play, what would it be?
Theo: Guitar. Skin flute.
The people of the town where you were born want to name a building
after you. They've asked you to choose the sort of building that
best matches your personality. What kind of building do you choose?
Theo: A phallic building -- and at the tip, on the top floor, there would be
a fountain.
What month of the year do you least anticipate? Why?
Theo: November -- because it rains a lot, and it's getting frickin' freezing,
Mr. Bigglesworth.
What animal would you most like to house in your back yard, if you could?
Theo: A giraffe... He could spy on my neighbors.
When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Theo: Evel Knievel.
If you could buy any rare collection in the world, which collection
would you choose? (This doesn't have to be a famous collection...but
it can be.)
Theo: A collection of FAT RC cars. I NEED more RC cars.
What's the best advice you've ever received? Who gave it to you?
Theo: "Don't eat yellow snow" -- Frosty the Snowman.
You've been invited to perform as the middle act in a three-act bill.
You get to choose the other two artists. Who opens for you, and who
follows you?
Theo: Michael Jackson opens and AC/DC closes.
You've been placed in the Witness Protection Program, and must change
your name. You're able to pick your new name. What do you call
yourself?
Theo: Shirley Suxwell.
What lesson should the world learn from the failure of all those
dotcom businesses?
Theo: No one ever tried making theo.com work. Had they tried it, a great
lesson would have been learned -- on how to make things waaaay better.
What steps should airlines take to help avoid a repeat of the
September 11th tragedy?
Theo: Secure captains. More secure airports.
Follow through on suspects on the FBI Most Wanted list before they
commit something irreversible. Reevaluate US foreign policy.
What is the greatest invention of the last ten years?
Theo: The tandem beer drinking cap.
Thanks to a breakthrough in technology, you can have a perfect
memory-recording of one event in your life. Everything is included
-- taste, smell, sound, vision and feeling; it basically means that
you can relive the event over and over again. What event would you
want to relive?
Theo: Having sex (with) Salma Hayek.
What toy from your childhood would you most like to track down now?
Theo: The Evel Knievel toy where you pull the plastic thing and it spins him
out, he takes out and burns out doing a wheely.
Assuming that money, legality, etc. is no object, what is your
intoxicant of choice?
Theo: Gas huffing whipped cream cans.
Which is more dangerous in the wrong hands -- guns or knowledge?
Theo: Knowledge.
· · · · · · ·
As we edit this edition of Pointless Questions, Vancouver-based punk revivalists Gob are gearing up to play a gig in beautiful Iowa. They're still touring behind 2000's The World According to Gob, and last year's companion DVD. Honestly, we don't care.
-- George Zahora
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