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Right now, with no advance notice, and for reasons we're not going to bother explaining, you must get rid of one album from your record collection. Which title gets the chop?
Mike Malinin: Funny you should ask. The other day I was trying to
listen to the Gorillaz CD that everybody told me to go
buy. I made it through about half of it before it
started annoying the piss out of me. Now I'm hoping
somebody will come over and take it with them when
they leave.
You wake up one morning and discover that you've grown two feet taller overnight. How does it affect your life?
Mike Malinin: I become a basketball player and make ridiculous
amounts of money.
What three things must a town or city have in order for you to be able to live happily there?
Mike Malinin: 1) A baseball team that I can root for; 2) Some kind of running trails; 3) At least one good Mexican restaurant.
What's more important: good music or good food? And why?
Mike Malinin: Good food. Music isn't essential to life.
Why does the wheel in the sky keep on turning?
Mike Malinin: Because Steve Perry said so.
You've just been elected to the US senate (if you're not a US citizen, please either pretend you are or move forward on the assumption that you've taken a similar government-type position in your own country). What's on your agenda legislation-wise?
Mike Malinin: Environmental issues would be way up there. I
would also try to imprison those responsible for
rigging the election in Florida and forcing a
"president" on us that nobody voted for. Anybody
remember that or care anymore? You should. Go listen
to the newest NOFX CD. That way you can rock out while
being educated. That way you can avoid having to read
a book, which apparently nobody does anymore.
If the moon were made of cheese, what kind of cheese would it be made of? Please explain your reasoning.
Mike Malinin: Blue cheese. You can tell by looking at it.
You've just won a contest in which the prize is your "dream car". What make and model of car do you choose? (And no, you can't just take the money.)
Mike Malinin: Preferably something that doesn't run on petrol. If I
can't do that, then whatever is the most fuel
efficient. Don't really care about cars. After all, I
live in LA. The sky is brown.
You can go back in time and kill one person without disrupting the space/time continuum, creating a paradox and causing the universe to collapse upon itself. Who would it be?
Mike Malinin: Hmmmmm. I guess it might be Hitler or Stalin. But then
again, my life would be more pleasant without Ben
Affleck around ruining tons of perfectly good films.
Jerry Falwell is always a good choice. Do I have to
choose just one?
As an experiment, you spend an entire day with a stick of butter duct-taped to your forehead. What do you learn?
Mike Malinin: I learn that I prefer to spend my days without a stick
of butter attached to my forehead.
What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
Mike Malinin: Walking around outside. Nobody in LA will leave the
house when its raining, so I've got the place to
myself. Plus it's the only time the air is clean.
What is the coolest animal to watch a nature show about?
Mike Malinin: Komodo dragon. Those things are cool.
What do you do now, as a result of widespread internet access, that you didn't do ten years ago?
Mike Malinin: Easily find every book and CD that I want. Also read a
bunch of incorrect info about myself, such as the fact
that my middle name is "Gene" and that I used to be in
Minor Threat. Although I wish that were true.
The thong: instrument of social change or harbinger of dark times?
Mike Malinin: Dark times.
The police have just nailed you for some kind of minor infraction. What were you most likely to have been doing?
Mike Malinin: Probably jaywalking. What a stupid law.
Would you shop at a supermarket run by ninjas? Why or why not?
Mike Malinin: Definitely. Ninjas kick ass.
Taking into account all current political, social and economic situations, which country would you most like to be and why?
Mike Malinin: Probably Australia. Too small to be an aggressive world
power. The average person seems to be more in touch
with the world. Plus the place is just cool.
Tell us about your weirdest experience with a fan.
Mike Malinin: I got a letter from a woman claiming that we were
lovers in a past life. That was pretty weird.
When was the last time you had an entire day to yourself, and what did you do with it?
Mike Malinin: A couple of weeks ago. I went hiking around in the
mountains and read a book. That's a good day. Sorry,
I'm boring.
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk? If you're a non-drinker, please limit your self-righteous response to 25 words.
Mike Malinin: Driven home. Lame answer maybe, but true.
What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep?
Mike Malinin: Read. Don't I ever do anything exciting?
What are your fellow band members' most irritating habits? If you have no fellow band members, what are your own most irritating habits?
Mike Malinin: Smoking.
You're making a guest appearance as yourself in the TV show of your choice. What's the show, and how do you fit into the plot?
Mike Malinin: Charmed. I don't care what the plot is, as long as I
get to make out with Alyssa Milano.
A national guardsman from Ohio recently changed his name to Optimus Prime, after the Transformer. If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?
Mike Malinin: Box, after the ice robot from Logan's Run. That way I
could just walk around saying, "Fish, plankton, sea
greens, and protein from the sea."
We're considering lobbying the government to pass a law banning the use of certain overplayed words -- for example, "new", "flaming" and "electric" --in band names. What other words should be banned?
Mike Malinin: "Goo" and "Dolls". That way my band would be legally
forced to come up with a cooler name.
Would you rather tour the world for a year, living out of hotels and minibuses, playing to sellout crowds but estranged from all meaningful interpersonal contact, or be crowned the next indie god(s) but be damned to a lifetime of college radio airplay, widespread obscurity and eventual golden years filled with soundtrack work?
Mike Malinin: Look at my job. What do you think?
What's the most un-rock and roll hobby or interest you have?
Mike Malinin: Running ultra marathons.
What's the stupidest thing a reviewer ever said about you or your band?
Mike Malinin: The list is almost endless.
Which is a better reason for an R rating -- pointless, arbitrary violence or over-the-top kinky sex that has nothing to do with the story?
Mike Malinin: I'm not sure. All I know is that I much prefer the
latter.
Which would be worse -- going three rounds with Mike Tyson, or having sex with Anna Nicole Smith?
Mike Malinin: Anna Nicole Smith. I can think of nothing worse.
What advice would you give to Michael Jackson?
Mike Malinin: Relax and retire. Having a gazillion dollars isn't the
worst thing in the world.
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In addition to drumming for the Goo Goo Dolls, Michael Gene Malinin is a former member of Minor Threat. No, sorry, we're just kidding. Actually, while the Goo Goo Dolls are more mainstream than Splendid's typical tastes, we think Mike's answers mark him as a Guy Who's Cooler Than His Band.
-- George Zahora
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