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Various religions suggest that there's a "special" hell for certain sins (hurting children, being cruel to animals, using the word "blog" as a verb, etc). Who else needs a "special" hell?
Greg Weeks: Those fuckers that drive slow in the fast lane.
Due to poor financial planning, you've got to eat for an entire week on only US$10. What do you buy, food-wise?
Greg Weeks: Almond butter. Then I starve to death.
What's the biggest misconception that people have about you?
Greg Weeks: That I'm making fun of them.
What's the worst injury you've ever suffered for your art (i.e. second degree burns from shorted-out mic, broken leg from failed stage dive)? Tell us about it.
Greg Weeks: Tendonitis.
You've got unlimited funding and technical expertise to make an IMAX movie on the topic of your choice. What do you choose? Describe the obligatory vertigo-inducing camera shot that makes the entire audience clutch their stomachs.
Greg Weeks: "Laryngoscopy" -- that rapid dive towards the larynx.
You've locked your car keys inside the tour van and don't have AAA. How do you get the door open?
Greg Weeks: Wait, I do have Triple-A. Um, ask my bandmate who has Triple-A to call. No? I'd flag a cop.
Ever find useful stuff in the garbage? Describe your best-ever dumpster find and how you used it.
Greg Weeks: I worked at a recycling plant one summer. Mountains of trash. I found a
cache of high school files, with student photos, and sat there reading them
for hours. I'm a total voyeur.
In the UK, trying to kill the Queen is still technically a capital offence. If the Queen tried to commit suicide and failed, could she be sentenced to death? Explain.
Greg Weeks: Yes, but it would never happen. The tabloids need her.
If you were a 50ft high Tyrannosaurus Rex, would you use your powers for good or evil? Who would you go after first?
Greg Weeks: My brain would be too small to decipher the difference, really. I'd be
beyond good an evil. I'd be a god. However, Ann Coulter would be the first
to go, regardless.
You've decided to write a musical. What's it about and who's the star?
Greg Weeks: It's a stage adaptation of the film classic, Inseminoid. The star would be
the glowing green sperm tube, set to the tune "Can't you see it coming, and
coming again?"
What's your favorite board game? Why do you like it?
Greg Weeks: Population. The graphics rule, it's a pro-educational/environmental game
from some '70s hippie boardgame organization, and no matter how you play,
society is almost surely doomed.
Everyone likes at least one cheesy/crappy song that totally kills their cred. What's yours?
Greg Weeks: "Baker Street" by Gerry Rafferty.
The standard touring vehicle is always a beat-up van. What has been the worst/weirdest method of conveyance you've had to use on a tour?
Greg Weeks: Three rental sedans. It's simply impossible to keep organized that way.
What was the best meal you were supplied by a tour venue? What was the worst?
Greg Weeks: VPRO let me make my own food in their offices. Portugal was the absolute
best. The worst was just the typical sludge one finds on tour -- chud food.
Will it ever truly be possible to "rock the vote", or will apathy, indifference and laziness always triumph over activism?
Greg Weeks: Apathy can lose out, but a cultural sea change is in order for it ever to
happen. I'd say no time soon for positive change.
You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about. What would you like to cry about?
Greg Weeks: The death of limitations.
If you could watch one historical event re-enacted by a cast of chimpanzees, which one would it be, and why?
Greg Weeks: Protozoic life emerging from the sea to first exist on land. Why? Chimps are
adorable, especially when dressed in diapers and doing man's bidding.
What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen (and don't choose one of your own)?
Greg Weeks: One summer day in NYC I happened upon a semi-attractive, slightly zaftig
chick with a tattooed ass cheek and a semi-transparent dress. Every time her
ass would shift the tattoo would surface momentarily before disappearing
again. I can't say what the tattoo was, but at that moment I wanted to bow
down and lovingly lick that girl's asshole and pray to the hook-up gods in
heaven: "please gods, just this once!"
How long after an unopened gallon of milk's "use-by" date has passed would you be willing to use it?
Greg Weeks: Never. Milk is pretty disgusting. I'd drink bottled breast milk (uzemaki),
but I'd never suckle a cow's teat and be able to hold back the contents of
my stomach. Would you?
What is the most unusual item you've thrown up on/in?
Greg Weeks: A bucket.
Do you prefer the term "underwear" or "underpants"? What does that say about you?
Greg Weeks: Underwear. It says I prefer my pants to cover my legs.
You've been asked to submit an anecdote or "tip" to a book called Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned On Tour With My Band. What do you tell them?
Greg Weeks: Never say to a bandmate's face what you can say to another bandmate behind
that person's back.
What basic freedoms are you prepared to give up in exchange for your and your family's safety?
Greg Weeks: The freedom to kill and maim and injure at will. The freedom to bear arms.
No others, I don't think.
Due to a breakthrough in technology, it's possible to learn any skill, no matter how complex, pretty much instantly, by uploading the information directly into your brain (yes, like in The Matrix). Unfortunately, you can only do it once. What skill would you learn, and why?
Greg Weeks: I'd upload the skill to prevent such technology from ever coming into
fashion. Humans need to learn to live within the confines of nature.
Not to be morbid, but let's assume that (a) you've died, and (b) you filled out an organ donor card and potential recipients are lining up. Which part of your body do you think will be most sought-after? Are there any bits no-one will want?
Greg Weeks: Can I say penis? No? Uh, nobody would want much of anything else, I don't
think.
A long-lost possession has turned up on Ebay, and you're prepared to pay much more than it's worth just to finally get it back. What is it? Why is it worth so much to you?
Greg Weeks: My '80s Fangoria collection, lost to a basement flood! It's who I was, and to
an extent, who I am now.
You've been given the resources and financial backing to create a new satellite TV network that caters specifically to your tastes and the tastes of people like you. What's it called, and what does it show?
Greg Weeks: The pornographic gore and sex station that specializes in '60s/'70s cultural
artifacts and highbrow art and experimental cinemas, hosted by Alain Robbe
Grillet and the Kuchar brothers.
There are literally hundreds of euphemisms for masturbation. What's the best one you've heard?
Greg Weeks: Diddle the skittle. Gotta give Peaches cred there.
Which is worse: downloading an album and burning copies for five friends, or shoplifting one physical copy of the same CD from an overpriced national retailer? Explain your answer.
Greg Weeks: Downloading. Fuck those bullshit corporate retailers.
A few years ago, anal sex was still taboo; nowadays it's trendy. What will be the next major sexual taboo to fall?
Greg Weeks: Wait, anal sex is trendy? Who says?! Nudity on broadcast television.
What, in your opinion, is the best book ever written? And why?
Greg Weeks: Impossible to answer, but if pressed I'd say Blood Meridian. It's the best
non-horror genre horror novel ever written. Its prose is masterful and obscure and its evocation of mood impossibly pristine. Cormac knows we live
in a greyish moral landscape populated by extremes on either side that fight to decide our cultural direction.
The USA needs a universal healthcare system. So far, no President has gotten anywhere near implementing one. Why do you think they keep failing? (Bonus: Outline your own plan for universal healthcare in 100 words or less.)
Greg Weeks: Politicians are rich and have health care, that's why we fail, continuously.
Eliminate money from politics altogether and the entire system will fall
into place. Make political service a privilege as opposed to a paid
situation to ensure altruists fill the ranks, then eliminate political
donations of any kind so that the concerns of the people are heard first and
foremost.
Right this very second, what are you most looking forward to, and why?
Greg Weeks: My rollerskating birthday celebration. It's a secret.
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Greg Weeks's latest magnum opus, Blood is Trouble, is available now on the always-reliable Ba Da Bing! Records.
-- George Zahora
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