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Right now, with no advance notice, and for reasons we're not going to bother explaining, you must get rid of one album from your record collection. Which title gets the chop?
Michael Damron: The soundtrack to the movie Phantom of the Paradise.
You wake up one morning and discover that you've grown two feet taller overnight. How does it affect your life?
Michael Damron: It means I'm skinny and supermodels love me!
What three things must a town or city have in order for you to be able to live happily there?
Michael Damron: Not many people, a Dairy Queen and no one under 40 wearing Clark Kents.
What's more important: good music or good food? And why?
Michael Damron: Music. It nourishes my spirit, not my fat ass.
Would you rather be anal probed by aliens or have a root canal without anaesthetic? Explain your choice.
Michael Damron: Anal! C'mon, man! ANAL!
Why does the wheel in the sky keep on turning?
Michael Damron: Cos Steve Perry says so.
You've just been elected to the US senate (if you're not a US citizen, please either pretend you are or move forward on the assumption that you've taken a similar government-type position in your own country). What's on your agenda legislation-wise?
Michael Damron: Folks' basic needs are met....food, shelter and medical, etcetera.
If the moon were made of cheese, what kind of cheese would it be made of? Please explain your reasoning.
Michael Damron: Swiss, man, cos of the craters and stuff.
You've just won a contest in which the prize is your "dream car". What make and model of car do you choose? (And no, you can't just take the money.)
Michael Damron: A '56 Chevy pickup.
You can go back in time and kill one person without disrupting the space/time continuum, creating a paradox and causing the universe to collapse upon itself. Who would it be?
Michael Damron: I wouldn't kill anyone. Pick an asshole, any asshole...I'd want to go back in time and be their father so I could raise 'em right and they wouldn't grow up to be evil.
As an experiment, you spend an entire day with a stick of butter duct-taped to your forehead. What do you learn?
Michael Damron: Again, ANAL!
What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
Michael Damron: A bottle of any goddamn thing and the first Geraldine Fibbers record.
What is the coolest animal to watch a nature show about?
Michael Damron: That's easy. Monkeys...
What do you do now, as a result of widespread internet access, that you didn't do ten years ago?
Michael Damron: Save money sending out a mailing list.
Who did you last give flowers and why?
Michael Damron: My wife, cos she was hella pissed at me about something stupid.
The thong: instrument of social change or harbinger of dark times?
Michael Damron: The rubber shower shoe or the thing that goes up a girl's butt?
The police have just nailed you for some kind of minor infraction. What were you most likely to have been doing?
Michael Damron: Suspended driver's license and illegal anal probing.
Would you shop at a supermarket run by ninjas? Why or why not?
Michael Damron: Hell yeah! Can you just imagine the discount on thongs?
What article (or articles) of clothing do you wish you never had to wear again? Why?
Michael Damron: Pants and drawers. I could let that big bastard run free and wild.
Taking into account all current political, social and economic situations, which country would you most like to be and why?
Michael Damron: Vatican City...just for the novelty of being the smallest country run by a devil.
Tell us about your weirdest experience with a fan.
Michael Damron: My friend Mike in Vegas has a huge penis and one time he stuck it in the fan and made the blades come to a complete halt.
When was the last time you had an entire day to yourself, and what did you do with it?
Michael Damron: Again, ANAL! Yesterday.
Ever written a letter to the editor? What publication, and on what subject?
Michael Damron: Yes... Spin. Subject: you guessed it, ANAL PROBING!
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk? If you're a non-drinker, please limit your self-righteous response to 25 words.
Michael Damron: I hung myself.
What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep?
Michael Damron: Xanax.
What are your fellow band members' most irritating habits? If you have no fellow band members, what are your own most irritating habits?
Michael Damron: Leaving cups and food bags in the van!
You're making a guest appearance as yourself in the TV show of your choice. What's the show, and how do you fit into the plot?
Michael Damron: The Simpsons -- and yes, I will be tonight's guest -- ANAL PROBER!
In three sentences or less, please give your opinion on the current state of the world.
Michael Damron: We are fucked!
A national guardsman from Ohio recently changed his name to Optimus Prime, after the Transformer. If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?
Michael Damron: Xenu, the Scientologist droid and master of anal probing!
We're considering lobbying the government to pass a law banning the use of certain overplayed words -- for example, "new", "flaming" and "electric" --in band names. What other words should be banned?
Michael Damron: Sonofabitch and anything that combines a food with the words "ass" or "butt".
Would you rather tour the world for a year, living out of hotels and minibuses, playing to sellout crowds but estranged from all meaningful interpersonal contact, or be crowned the next indie god(s) but be damned to a lifetime of college radio airplay, widespread obscurity and eventual golden years filled with soundtrack work?
Michael Damron: I'll take either -- just send my ASCAP check.
What's the most un-rock and roll hobby or interest you have?
Michael Damron: I do Pez!
What's the stupidest thing a reviewer ever said about you or your band?
Michael Damron: A piece of shit said I write songs like I was a high schooler. I feel I'm at least at the junior college level by now.
Which is a better reason for an r rating -- pointless, arbitrary violence or over-the-top kinky sex that has nothing to do with the story?
Michael Damron: The sexy violence.
Which would be worse -- going three rounds with Mike Tyson, or having sex with Anna Nicole Smith?
Michael Damron: Having a three-way with Anna and Mike.
What's in your fridge right now?
Michael Damron: Mustard. (Editor's Note: How many of you wish he'd said "ANAL!!!!"?)
What advice would you give to Michael Jackson?
Michael Damron: Quit being a pussy!
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I Can Lick Any Sonofabitch In the House are currently promoting Here to Bleed, which hit the street last summer.
-- George Zahora
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