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Various religions suggest that there's a "special" hell for certain sins (hurting children, being cruel to animals, using the word "blog" as a verb, etc). Who else needs a "special" hell?
Nick Dodson: Ronald McDonald, for making his one dollar double cheeseburgers taste
so damn good. Michael Jackson -- I watched a two hour special on VH1
about him and how he became what he is today, a monster. His nose has
no living flesh on it. That shit sends chills up and down my back and
no, not in a good way.
Due to poor financial planning, you've got to eat for an entire week on only US$10. What do you buy, food-wise?
Nick Dodson: HA! This is a funny question. Being in The Junior Varsity means
eating on 10 dollars a week or less. No, seriously. Over at TJVHQ,
it's not uncommon for our water/electricity to get turned off for a day
because we couldn't pay the bill on time. So basically, the dollar menu
at any restaurant.
What's the biggest misconception that people have about you?
Nick Dodson: Only two of our five members are ex-Aerosmith members, not three. I
wish people would get it through their heads. I'm so sick of
explaining.
What's the worst injury you've ever suffered for your art (i.e. second degree burns from shorted-out mic, broken leg from failed stage dive)? Tell us about it.
Nick Dodson: One time while on tour in Iowa, Asa hit me in the head with the
headstock of his bass. There was so much blood that it dyed a portion
of my hair red for a few days. (Nick even sent a picture, but our anti-virus software didn't let it through -- Ed.)
You've locked your car keys inside the tour van and don't have AAA. How do you get the door open?
Nick Dodson: Call our friend Bert from Champaign, IL. One time I saw that guy open
one of our friend's car doors that was locked in literally three minutes.
All he needed was a coathanger. That dude is rad.
Ever find useful stuff in the garbage? Describe your best-ever dumpster find and how you used it.
Nick Dodson: Two cheeseburger. Then I ate them. Kidding... right?
If you were a 50ft high Tyrannosaurus Rex, would you use your powers for good or evil? Who would you go after first?
Nick Dodson: I'd use them for evil and eat a lot of ice cream, probably. And then
I'd go destroy mountains and national landmarks, and bathe.
You've decided to write a musical. What's it about and who's the star?
Nick Dodson: It would be about one of the town crazies from my home town,
Jacksonville, Illinois. Her name is Flossy. It would be like the
Mars Volta album except with orchestra instrumentation. She is insane
and wears five winter coats during the summer and laughs really crazy-like and scares me. My guess is she's constantly on a trip and is
hallucinating. She's got to be. This musical would be about one of
those trips.
Everyone likes at least one cheesy/crappy song that totally kills their cred. What's yours?
Nick Dodson: That one Avril song about her not having sex with some guy. "Did you
think I was gonna give it up to you?" That song is the jam! That song
is my dark secret shhhh.
The standard touring vehicle is always a beat-up van. What has been the worst/weirdest method of conveyance you've had to use on a tour?
Nick Dodson: We tour in a Magnus. Her full name is Magnus Van Magnusson. We hate
her very much. She has broken down many many many times. She is a
1992 Diesel Van. When it's cold she doesn't like to start unless we
plug her in for two hours prior. Also she is a tramp. She lets other
people in her (i.e. Robbers and thieves) and then she goes even further
to let them take whatever they want of our personal possessions.
What was the best meal you were supplied by a tour venue? What was the worst?
Nick Dodson: The best meal I was ever supplied with was at House of Blues Chicago,
when I got some fried chicken breast, broccoli and potatoes with a
chocolate sundae. It was pretty much incredible. The worst I'd have
to say was in Indiana when we got two cans of Spaghetti-Os and six donuts
to split between three bands. Then again we havent been fed at many
shows yet in our career, so those two cans and six donuts were great.
If you could watch one historical event re-enacted by a cast of chimpanzees, which one would it be, and why?
Nick Dodson: The D-Day invasion. Chimps with guns... come on.
What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen (and don't choose one of your own)?
Nick Dodson: I know a guy who use to be in the hardcore band "Preacher Gone to Texas". He had a tattoo of a bloody tampon with wings. If you didn't look
close enough you would think that it was something to do with religion,
but oh, no, it surely was not.
How long after an unopened gallon of milk's "use-by" date has passed would you be willing to use it?
Nick Dodson: A week, I've done it before and I'll do it again. It wasn't bad at all. Sometimes those are inaccurate and I'm 100 percent sure of it.
What is the most unusual item you've thrown up on/in?
Nick Dodson: My dad when I was four and drank too much water in a swimming pool.
Didn't work out so well.
Do you prefer the term "underwear" or "underpants"? What does that say about you?
Nick Dodson: Underwear. They arent pants you are wearing they're but a mere
section. It says I'm great in every way imaginable and I'm realistic.
You've been asked to submit an anecdote or "tip" to a book called Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned On Tour With My Band. What do you tell them?
Nick Dodson: Don't ever leave your valuables in a dirty old van. No matter if you
lock it or not, people will break into it if they want to. I would
think robbers and thieves would have better tact than to break into
1992 conversion van caked with diesel, smoke and dirt rather than passing it up
for maybe something a bit nicer. But you'd be surprised.
What basic freedoms are you prepared to give up in exchange for your and your family's safety?
Nick Dodson: Extra ketchup and pickles.
Due to a breakthrough in technology, it's possible to learn any skill, no matter how complex, pretty much instantly, by uploading the information directly into your brain (yes, like in The Matrix). Unfortunately, you can only do it once. What skill would you learn, and why?
Nick Dodson: How to fix any car. Automotive problems are the most frustrating and
expensive things in the world. I hate dealing with shady people such
as mechanics.
Not to be morbid, but let's assume that (a) you've died, and (b) you filled out an organ donor card and potential recipients are lining up. Which part of your body do you think will be most sought-after? Are there any bits no-one will want?
Nick Dodson: My brain is probably mush due to getting hit in the head so many
times. I think I have really bad depth perception sometimes. So
maybe my heart and my kidneys would be good objects.
You've been given the resources and financial backing to create a new satellite TV network that caters specifically to your tastes and the tastes of people like you. What's it called, and what does it show?
Nick Dodson: The Maucet Network. It would only show videos of music I appreciate and can tolerate.
Also it would show Family Guy and Simpsons cartoons late at night, along with Unsolved Mysteries.
Which is worse: downloading an album and burning copies for five friends, or shoplifting one physical copy of the same CD from an overpriced national retailer? Explain your answer.
Nick Dodson: Downloading. The artist sees nothing from that. If it is stolen the
store will probably re-order it, putting more dinero in the artist's
pocket.
A few years ago, anal sex was still taboo; nowadays it's trendy. What will be the next major sexual taboo to fall?
Nick Dodson: Armpit sex.
What, in your opinion, is the best book ever written? And why?
Nick Dodson: The Perks Of Being a Wallflower. It hit me really hard when I read it. I was in a weird point in my life mentally, and it affected me really
hard. It's a really great one. Insert your thoughts of me being a loser here.
Right this very second, what are you most looking forward to, and why?
Nick Dodson: Touring the UK with Straylight Run March 1st through 9th and having an incredible time.
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Don't mistake The Junior Varsity, who are responsible for those great "I Broke Into The Junior Varsity's Van and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" shirts, with Junior Varisity (no "The"), the "pep rally rockers" who released a few records on Peek-A-Boo several years ago. The Junior Varsity are on Victory, if that's any kind of hint.
-- George Zahora
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