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Various religions suggest that there's a "special" hell for certain sins (hurting children, being cruel to animals, using the word "blog" as a verb, etc). Who else needs a "special" hell?
Ken Will Morton: Peddlers of mediocrity.
Due to poor financial planning, you've got to eat for an entire week on only US$10. What do you buy, food-wise?
Ken Will Morton: Egg noodles, spinach, butter, water.
What's the biggest misconception that people have about you?
Ken Will Morton: That I'm tall.
What's the worst injury you've ever suffered for your art (i.e. second degree burns from shorted-out mic, broken leg from failed stage dive)? Tell us about it.
Ken Will Morton: Gouged an eye while on tour. While stopped off in a park I walked into
the woods to relieve myself and took a stick to the eye, which blinded me
temporarily in that eye. Blood was oozing from it. I drove to the Carthage,
TN hospital, got hooked up with an eye doctor who pulled the bark out with
tweezers under a black light, got some painkillers, drove to Murfreesboro
and played the show I had that night. All healed now. Thought I was gonna
have an eye patch as part of my shtick...
You've got unlimited funding and technical expertise to make an IMAX movie on the topic of your choice. What do you choose? Describe the obligatory vertigo-inducing camera shot that makes the entire audience clutch their stomachs.
Ken Will Morton: Porn in 3D. Stomach clutcher = ejaculation at the camera.
You've locked your car keys inside the tour van and don't have AAA. How do you get the door open?
Ken Will Morton: Cinder block.
Ever find useful stuff in the garbage? Describe your best-ever dumpster find and how you used it.
Ken Will Morton: A lamp for my recording room.
In the UK, trying to kill the Queen is still technically a capital offence. If the Queen tried to commit suicide and failed, could she be sentenced to death? Explain.
Ken Will Morton: Naw, let her off herself if she wants to that bad.
If you were a 50ft high Tyrannosaurus Rex, would you use your powers for good or evil? Who would you go after first?
Ken Will Morton: I would fulfill my primal urges 24/7 -- neither good nor evil..just primal. I
would run, jump, smash, eat... and repeat.
You've decided to write a musical. What's it about and who's the star?
Ken Will Morton: The musical is about a fat girl who wants nothing more than to be a
ballerina... but she's too fat and can't get airborne. The star would be
selected from a local talent audition of fat girls.
What's your favorite board game? Why do you like it?
Ken Will Morton: Scrabble. I like it because it empowers me.
Everyone likes at least one cheesy/crappy song that totally kills their cred. What's yours?
Ken Will Morton: That new Kelly Clarkson song about her life "Since You're Gone".
The standard touring vehicle is always a beat-up van. What has been the worst/weirdest method of conveyance you've had to use on a tour?
Ken Will Morton: Escalator.
What was the best meal you were supplied by a tour venue? What was the worst?
Ken Will Morton: Best was swordfish, somewhere in Chattanooga. Worst was food poisoning, somewhere in Cincinnati.
Will it ever truly be possible to "rock the vote", or will apathy, indifference and laziness always triumph over activism?
Ken Will Morton: I think the only failsafe way would be to "vote for rock".
You discover a new disease, "(Your name here)'s Syndrome". What are its symptoms? What is the cure for "(Your name here)'s Syndrome"?
Ken Will Morton: The disease = Kenbilly Syndrome. The symptoms = similar to Tourette's,
saying the worst thing at the worst moment. The cure = a muzzle.
You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about. What would you like to cry about?
Ken Will Morton: The fat girl who's too heavy to be a ballerina.
If you could watch one historical event re-enacted by a cast of chimpanzees, which one would it be, and why?
Ken Will Morton: The current war in Iraq. It's apropos.
What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen (and don't choose one of your own)?
Ken Will Morton: Well, it's funny. I don't know about cool... There's this cute bartender girl
in Atlanta who always wears half shirts, and over her ass is "CHAOS" in big
gothic letters. The implications are fascinating.
How long after an unopened gallon of milk's "use-by" date has passed would you be willing to use it?
Ken Will Morton: One day.
What is the most unusual item you've thrown up on/in?
Ken Will Morton: A pile of clothes on the floor.
Do you prefer the term "underwear" or "underpants"? What does that say about you?
Ken Will Morton: "Undapants". It says I'm dandy.
Not to be morbid, but let's assume that (a) you've died, and (b) you filled out an organ donor card and potential recipients are lining up. Which part of your body do you think will be most sought-after? Are there any bits no-one will want?
Ken Will Morton: My heart is sought after. No one wants my liver.
A long-lost possession has turned up on Ebay, and you're prepared to pay much more than it's worth just to finally get it back. What is it? Why is it worth so much to you?
Ken Will Morton: My daughter. Why do you think?
You've been given the resources and financial backing to create a new satellite TV network that caters specifically to your tastes and the tastes of people like you. What's it called, and what does it show?
Ken Will Morton: Allconcert: live music concert footage all day, all night.
There are literally hundreds of euphemisms for masturbation. What's the best one you've heard?
Ken Will Morton: Flailing the flank.
Which is worse: downloading an album and burning copies for five friends, or shoplifting one physical copy of the same CD from an overpriced national retailer? Explain your answer.
Ken Will Morton: The former. Ask Cary Hudson.
A few years ago, anal sex was still taboo; nowadays it's trendy. What will be the next major sexual taboo to fall?
Ken Will Morton: Dressing up in animal costumes and mating.
What, in your opinion, is the best book ever written? And why?
Ken Will Morton: The Dictionary; all the tools to write one's own book lie therein.
The USA needs a universal healthcare system. So far, no President has gotten anywhere near implementing one. Why do you think they keep failing? (Bonus: Outline your own plan for universal healthcare in 100 words or less.)
Ken Will Morton: Lack of discipline. My plan is "legalize it".
Right this very second, what are you most looking forward to, and why?
Ken Will Morton: Going to the bathroom. I gotta go.
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Ken Will Morton played in a crapload of bands, including Wonderlust and The Indicators, before going solo in 2004. His latest solo record, King Of Coming Around, is due in February of 2006.
-- George Zahora
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