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Various religions suggest that there's a "special" hell for certain sins (hurting children, being cruel to animals, using the word "blog" as a verb, etc). Who else needs a "special" hell?
Matt Gray: Tony Little and Billy Blanks. And Cher. And the Snapple lady. And Rosanne.
Due to poor financial planning, you've got to eat for an entire week on only US$10. What do you buy, food-wise?
Matt Gray: I'd buy ONE gallon of gas and drive to some dumpsters.
What's the biggest misconception that people have about you?
Matt Gray: Everyone thinks I was in Hanson. Okay, I was, and Saved By the Bell.
What's the worst injury you've ever suffered for your art (i.e. second degree burns from shorted-out mic, broken leg from failed stage dive)?
Matt Gray: I got my tooth chipped on a microphone, but I play the drums now, so I'm safe.
You've got unlimited funding and technical expertise to make an IMAX movie on the topic of your choice. What do you choose? Describe the obligatory vertigo-inducing camera shot that makes the entire audience clutch their stomachs.
Matt Gray: I'd make a movie about puking. At the climax of the film, the audience is taken down a terrifying puke-waterfall, and needless to say, everyone pukes.
You've locked your car keys inside the tour van and don't have AAA. How do you get the door open?
Matt Gray: Steal and ram a larger, more aggressive van into the door, thus rendering it ajar.
Ever find useful stuff in the garbage? Describe your best-ever dumpster find and how you used it.
Matt Gray: Kevin Sorbo's career. I sold it for $3.75.
In the UK, trying to kill the Queen is still technically a capital offence. If the Queen tried to commit suicide and failed, could she be sentenced to death? Explain.
Matt Gray: Stop making fun of British people.
If you were a 50ft high Tyrannosaurus Rex, would you use your powers for good or evil? Who would you go after first?
Matt Gray: I'd find Dubya and I'd hold his arms back so Kanye West could have his way with him. But then again, George W. is a Christian. Christians don't believe in evolution... so, they don't believe in dinosaurs, so it wouldn't hurt him. Okay, I'd rob a bank and buy dinosaur porn.
You've decided to write a musical. What's it about and who's the star?
Matt Gray: It would be a Hip-Hopera about Rob Schneider's flourishing career, bringing back to life such classic films as Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (as well as its cutting edge sequel, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo), The Hot Chick, The Animal, and the milestone achievement of all of his glorious years in Hollywood, The Stapler. It would star Jason Alexander.
What's your favorite board game? Why do you like it?
Matt Gray: Candyland... umm, cuz there's candy.
Everyone likes at least one cheesy/crappy song that totally kills their cred. What's yours?
Matt Gray: "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers.
The standard touring vehicle is always a beat-up van. What has been the worst/weirdest method of conveyance you've had to use on a tour?
Matt Gray: A boat. It was called "Titanic". Let's just say it didn't work out.
What was the best meal you were supplied by a tour venue? What was the worst?
Matt Gray: Vegan chili and bagels was the best, but most places try to feed me money, and everyone knows that you can't eat money.
Will it ever truly be possible to "rock the vote", or will apathy, indifference and laziness always triumph over activism?
Matt Gray: Not so long ago, I would have chosen the latter, but with the "antics" (for example, denying that they knew about certain shelters for victims of Hurricane Katrina who went days and days without food or water, when it had been all over every news station for at least a week. Also, being made aware of the probability of a storm or storms of this caliber and still cutting New Orleans' flood control funding by 44 percent, et cetera) of our latest administration (if you can call it that), I think people are beginning to comprehend the severity of the world's situation. However, the majority of people only change things that need to be changed out of fear, especially here in America where we're all spoiled. Now, don't be misled. I don't mean we're spoiled because the government loves us. I mean that we're spoiled because they want us quiet, get it? So that when they feel like taking some oil or destroying some third world countries' food supplies and water treatment facilities (all in the name of the almighty, of course), they can send us to do it and make us feel and/or look ungrateful if we choose not to participate or agree. "Ask what you can do for your country," right? It's all a game. I'll never stop if I don't stop now, but to sum it all up... HILARY CLINTON AND KANYE WEST IN '08, BABY!
You discover a new disease, "(Your name here)'s Syndrome". What are its symptoms? What is the cure for "(Your name here)'s Syndrome"?
Matt Gray: Lavigne's Syndrome. You become delusional and tell everyone that you're a songwriter. There is no cure, and you remain immortal until the Biblical apocalypse.
You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about. What would you like to cry about?
Matt Gray: Even though I'm a true thug, I'm a stickler for proper grammar and punctuation. When I send text messages, I don't have quotation marks (""). What the fuck?! Also, I hate bad music.
If you could watch one historical event re-enacted by a cast of chimpanzees, which one would it be, and why?
Matt Gray: The making of Planet of the Apes. Wait...
What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen (and don't choose one of your own)?
Matt Gray: Dude, this one guy had this killer tribal arm band. Whoa, it was so crazy. There were like lines and spikes and it almost kinda looked like barbed wire, but not really. And dude, I got my eyebrow pierced and instead of balls on the ends... you guessed it. SPIKES! I'm so tough. Did you pick up the new Disturbed album? It's so heavy. They rap a lot more, too, but they're not black, so it's cool. Check out my new Orange County Choppers long sleeve. Flames up the sleeves and all, man, you jealous? Someone please punch me in the face until my mouth is swollen shut, all my suck is leaking out. I have to save some for the dancers at Topper's tonight. Last time I was there, this hot girl danced to AC/DC and then totally bummed a Newport off me.
How long after an unopened gallon of milk's "use-by" date has passed would you be willing to use it?
Matt Gray: Until it was chunky, then I'd just leave it on the counter for a couple weeks until it was yogurt. Oh ladies, did you know you can use plain yogurt to aid the curing of a yeast infection? 'Cuz I did and I don't even have a vagina.
What is the most unusual item you've thrown up on/in?
Matt Gray: One time I ate some cat food and threw it up on my cat... or something else hilariously obscure.
Do you prefer the term "underwear" or "underpants"? What does that say about you?
Matt Gray: They're underwear, because they're not pants at all, and that just says that I'm not an idiot.
You've been asked to submit an anecdote or "tip" to a book called Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned On Tour With My Band. What do you tell them?
Matt Gray: Jager bombs do make you hallucinate.
What basic freedoms are you prepared to give up in exchange for your and your family's safety?
Matt Gray: I can't say that I wouldn't give up anything. I shouldn't have to give up anything, but that doesn't mean that I won't have to. I wouldn't do anything differently if there were no laws or government, but on the other hand, if it came down to giving up my right to play music, or be with my friends and family, or choose what I do for a living, then I would begin to fight. Life wouldn't be worth living if those things were taken away, especially my family. By the way, there are thousands of square miles all over the US blocked off by barbed-wire fences, where government vehicles are seen entering and exiting. They've been described by sources independently investigating them as looking like types of concentration camps, so this question may prove more valid than pointless. Let's hope not.
Due to a breakthrough in technology, it's possible to learn any skill, no matter how complex, pretty much instantly, by uploading the information directly into your brain (yes, like in The Matrix). Unfortunately, you can only do it once. What skill would you learn, and why?
Matt Gray: I'd learn how to upload information into my brain more than once. Now what?
Not to be morbid, but let's assume that (a) you've died, and (b) you filled out an organ donor card and potential recipients are lining up. Which part of your body do you think will be most sought-after? Are there any bits no-one will want?
Matt Gray: Well, obviously, my penis would be the first to go. Just kidding. I have pretty good... um, bones, so some lucky, medium-built, 5'9" male would finally get that skeletal transplant.
A long-lost possession has turned up on Ebay, and you're prepared to pay much more than it's worth just to finally get it back. What is it? Why is it worth so much to you?
Matt Gray: Wow, this actually happened to me. One time I got a delicious cup of coffee from a gas station and I set it down while I was pumping my very expensive gas (it has chunks of gold in it now, I'm just telling you what I heard). I went in to pay, came back and low and behold, the coffee was gone. I had only drunk like a fourth of it! Then weeks later, I was searching for a rare CCR B-sides record and by some miracle, there was a glitch and I found my coffee! Being that it was a three and a half week old cup of coffee, I got it back for a mere seventeen dollars. It was disgusting.
You've been given the resources and financial backing to create a new satellite TV network that caters specifically to your tastes and the tastes of people like you. What's it called, and what does it show?
Matt Gray: "MTV", a station that actually plays music and videos with music over them, but I would write all the music, and no-one would be able to watch it but me, and it actually only exists in my soul. You don't have to use this one. Sorry.
There are literally hundreds of euphemisms for masturbation. What's the best one you've heard?
Matt Gray: I have a couple good ones and I use them, too... No Servicing my Project, Striking my Anywhere, Listening to my three favorite Queen songs, Punking my Bunny, and of course, Labeling my Traitor. If I was a girl, I'd "Butter my Bean". Eww, I'm gross.
Which is worse: downloading an album and burning copies for five friends, or shoplifting one physical copy of the same CD from an overpriced national retailer? Explain your answer.
Matt Gray: Shoplifting one physical copy of the same CD from an overpriced national retailer. Places such as Wal-Mart and OfficeMax, being private companies, describe themselves not as "anti-union" but "pro-associate". They excuse themselves from not allowing workers to unionize by claiming that bringing in a third party to help negotiate employment terms can create tension and problems. Basically they do it because it's easier to say no to a worker than it is to say no to a union. But neither is wrong in my opinion. It's kinda ridiculous to claim ownership of a piece of sound. I don't know.
A few years ago, anal sex was still taboo; nowadays it's trendy. What will be the next major sexual taboo to fall?
Matt Gray: Golden Showers and Cleveland Steamers.
What, in your opinion, is the best book ever written? And why?
Matt Gray: The Bible, because it's hilarious! Whoops, now there's a special hell for me.
The USA needs a universal healthcare system. So far, no President has gotten anywhere near implementing one. Why do you think they keep failing? (Bonus: Outline your own plan for universal healthcare in 100 words or less.)
Matt Gray: Because none of our presidents has been Canadian. I say we nix the presidential requirement of being born in the US and go recruit some beady-eyed Canadian for a president (Viva la Canadia, but I had to beat Carlos Mencia to the punch). First of all, I think we'd have to stop thinking that we are the foremost authority in the world. Oh no! Someone else has weapons and they're not white Christian Republicans! We can spend a bit less than 300 billion dollars on the military budget. Shit, not only could we have a decent national healthcare system, but we could give our elderly citizens some of their social security money and heck, we could even spend more than one percent of our budget on foreign aid (the common man thinks we give over 20 percent) in an attempt to take a less hostile and imperialistic approach to things.
Right this very second, what are you most looking forward to, and why?
Matt Gray: Finishing these questions, because it's taking me forever!
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Label the Traitor are a Pennsylvania hardcore band and proud of it. Their album The Battle of the Common hit stores in early August.
-- George Zahora
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