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Right now, with no advance notice, and for reasons we're not going to bother explaining, you must get rid of one album from your record collection. Which title gets the chop?
Lanky: Hail to the Thief. Sorry kids.
You wake up one morning and discover that you've grown two feet taller overnight. How does it affect your life?
Lanky: Well, if it also effects my shoe size, I'm going out to Hollywood to make
movies.
What three things must a town or city have in order for you to be able to live happily there?
Lanky: A venue that gets national acts, a non-corporate coffee shop and a thrift
store.
What's more important: good music or good food? And why?
Lanky: They're equally important.
Would you rather be anal probed by aliens or have a root canal without anaesthetics? Explain your choice.
Lanky: Alien anal probe. Dentists are not gentle, this I know. Let's try the
alien's technique.
Why does the wheel in the sky keep on turning?
Lanky: Because Steve Perry is a paranoid control freak.
You've just been elected to the US senate (if you're not a US citizen, please either pretend you are or move forward on the assumption that you've taken a similar government-type position in your own country). What's on your agenda legislation-wise?
Lanky: Repeal the tax cuts.
You've just won a contest in which the prize is your "dream car". What make and model of car do you choose? (And no, you can't just take the money.)
Lanky: A late '60s Corvette.
You can go back in time and kill one person without disrupting the space/time continuum, creating a paradox and causing the universe to collapse upon itself. Who would it be?
Lanky: George H. W. Bush, before he had children.
As an experiment, you spend an entire day with a stick of butter duct-taped to your forehead. What do you learn?
Lanky: That bread crumbs sting when they get in my eye.
What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
Lanky: Coffee, a couple DVDs and a mentally stimulating member of the opposite sex.
What is the coolest animal to watch a nature show about?
Lanky: Sharks.
What do you do now, as a result of widespread internet access, that you didn't do ten years ago?
Lanky: Sit in front of a computer screen and answer questions.
Who did you last give flowers and why?
Lanky: My last girlfriend... Why do you think? I do it all for the nookie.
The thong: instrument of social change or harbinger of dark times?
Lanky: Dark times, but good times nonetheless.
The police have just nailed you for some kind of minor infraction. What were you most likely to have been doing?
Lanky: Speeding.
Would you shop at a supermarket run by ninjas? Why or why not?
Lanky: Sure, ninjas aren't as threatening as the fuckers with bombs under their
coats.
What article (or articles) of clothing do you wish you never had to wear again? Why?
Lanky: Underwear. There is a direct correlation between how freely you live and how
restrained your package is.
Taking into account all current political, social and economic situations, which country would you most like to be and why?
Lanky: Canada, they seem to keep their noses clean.
Tell us about your weirdest experience with a fan.
Lanky: Last night a 65 year old woman gave me her phone number. Of course I
called...
When was the last time you had an entire day to yourself, and what did you do with it?
Lanky: Two weeks ago. Ten hours of sleep, a stop at the gym. Cooked myself dinner
and curled up to a familiar body.
Ever written a letter to the editor? What publication, and on what subject?
Lanky: When I was in high school I wrote one about the flag-burning amendment that
was gaining too much attention. My position was that is was a lame political
bandwagon and that politicians should deal with more important issues.
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk? If you're a non-drinker, please limit your self-righteous response to 25 words.
Lanky: Booty called a 65 year old woman.
What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep?
Lanky: I can sleep anywhere.
A national guardsman from Ohio recently changed his name to Optimus Prime, after the Transformer. If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?
Lanky: Guy Person.
We're considering lobbying the government to pass a law banning the use of certain overplayed words -- for example, "new", "flaming" and "electric" --in band names. What other words should be banned?
Lanky: Women's names used possessively.
Would you rather tour the world for a year, living out of hotels and minibuses, playing to sellout crowds but estranged from all meaningful interpersonal contact, or be crowned the next indie god(s) but be damned to a lifetime of college radio airplay, widespread obscurity and eventual golden years filled with soundtrack work?
Lanky: The latter. Then I will always have something to complain about.
Some of us have side gigs bartending. Help us out by making up a drink that we can name after you and sell to underaged girls in midriff tee-shirts.
Lanky: Vodka, Chambord, tequila, triple sec, OJ and pineapple.
Which is a better reason for an r rating -- pointless, arbitrary violence or over-the-top kinky sex that has nothing to do with the story?
Lanky: Do they make movies without either anymore?
Which would be worse -- going three rounds with Mike Tyson, or having sex with Anna Nicole Smith?
Lanky: That's almost the same experience, isn't it? Equally as painful.
What's in your fridge right now?
Lanky: I don't have a fridge right now.
What advice would you give to Michael Jackson?
Lanky: How do you help someone whose whole sense of self-worth and esteem has been
dictated by what other people think for his whole life? He's a very damaged
individual. "Get over it" would be, though essentially the core of what
needs to be done, a rather shallow response.
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Our Justin Stewart called Lanky's Inner Onwriter "a clean, well-produced, soft-edged work that would make soothing background music at your neighborhood Walgreens." He also said that Lanky (aka Frank Stabile) and his band "sound like the house act at your local yuppie watering hole." Draw whatever conclusion you like from that.
-- George Zahora
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