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What band did you listen to most during the eighties? Do you still like them?
Brendan Kelly: Guns 'n' Roses. They are, to this day, my favorite band.
What is your worst memory of elementary school? Of high school?
Brendan Kelly: Elementary school: shitting my pants while some cool kids and I were causing trouble and grabbing onto passing cars one winter. High School: getting busted having sex by the girl's stepdad.
You're about to -- ahem -- get lucky. What album is playing in the background? Why'd you choose it?
Brendan Kelly: Guns 'n' Roses' Appetite for Destruction. It is the perfect rock album. If you are gonna drink, do drugs, fuck or fight, there is no better background music.
What was the first thing you ever shoplifted? Why did you take it?
Brendan Kelly: One of those little plastic bottles with the string in them that when you pull the string a bunch of confetti flies out of them; I believe they are called champagne party poppers. I had it in my hand and inadvertently walked out with it.
If you could beat up anyone in the world and get away without the usual annoying real-world consequences -- jail time, lawsuits, bad press, etc. -- who would it be, and why?
Brendan Kelly: George W. Bush. He pisses me off so thoroughly. Just because the nation is in crisis doesn't make him any less of a xenophobic navel picking dumbass.
What's the biggest risk you've ever taken? Why did you take it?
Brendan Kelly: What is this? A college entrance exam? I had a friend in college who got this question on an entrance application for an essay. He wrote "this." and sent it in. He got in. I don't take risks.
It's better to regret something you *have* done than it is to regret something you *haven't* done. What do you regret doing (other than agreeing to answer these questions)? Why did you do it?
Brendan Kelly: I regret ever smoking cigarettes. I started because I thought it would be a good way to meet girls.
Did you go to your high school prom? If so, who did you go with?
Brendan Kelly: Yup. I went twice. Once with my friend's little sister and once with a girl who was kind of my girlfriend.
What movie would you recommend to absolutely anyone? Why?
Brendan Kelly: A Night On Earth. It was absolutely fantastic.
For reasons we won't bother going into right now, you're going to be locked in the back of a truck for a sixteen hour drive between gigs. If you could have any musician, past or present, back there to keep you company, who would it be?
Brendan Kelly: Bob Marley. He was a genius. Probably the most talented and important rock musician ever.
What is your strongest, most unshakeable belief?
Brendan Kelly: The world is round.
What's the worst band you've ever heard? Why do they suck?
Brendan Kelly: Dashboard Confessional. They suck for such a plethora of reasons, it's kind of hard to pick just one. I will say this: it's like someone did market research, found all the qualities that make the most spendy demographic like bands and then tailored Dashboard to fit. It's just a scam.
If you were a porn star, what would your "porn name" be?
Brendan Kelly: Dick Gozinja.
You're on your way to a show, and all of a sudden you find yourself in the middle of a huge four-way battle between pirates, ninjas, robots and intelligent apes from the future. Your only hope of getting to your gig is to pick a side. Who do you join, and why?
Brendan Kelly: Holy shit. Monkeys and robots have been very much in my consciousness lately. I had an idea to get a tattoo of a robot with a monkey head, and my girlfriend shot it down. I would definitely not pick the ninjas or the pirates, that's all I can say.
If you could sponsor any beverage -- appear in their ads, receive a lifetime supply and never be seen drinking a competing product -- what beverage would it be?
Brendan Kelly: Old Style Beer, brewed with water from when the earth was pure.
What's the best venue you've ever played? What's the worst? Why?
Brendan Kelly: The Fireside Bowl in Chicago is the best. It's home. The worst? There have been so many. Probably Club Phenomenon in Freeport, Illinois. Anyone who has been there will tell you why it sucks.
What's wrong with Rolling Stone these days?
Brendan Kelly: A few things, all evidenced by the "King of Pain" article that they recently did on Dash.
Why are frogs amusing?
Brendan Kelly: Because the French accent is amusing in itself.
You've traveled back in time and met yourself, age sixteen. What do you think?
Brendan Kelly: I was just a punk-ass kid. I don't really think I would think too much of anything. I would give myself some advice a la Back to the Future 2 and make myself rich.
Which would be worse: three hours on a bus full of four year-olds, or three hours on a bus full of eighty year-olds? Why?
Brendan Kelly: Eighty year-olds. Kids are great and old people freak me out.
The US government is considering far more aggressive regulation of leather pants. Under the new rules, who should or shouldn't be allowed to wear them?
Brendan Kelly: Everyone. Especially men.
What, in your opinion, is the best porn?
Brendan Kelly: Amateur porn. They are really enjoying themselves.
What food item could you eat every day for the rest of your life without getting bored of it? What's so good about it?
Brendan Kelly: Chicago hot dogs. They are the perfect food. So good.
Will the next Star Wars movie suck? Why or why not?
Brendan Kelly: Nah. They have a really good setup. Just don't go in expecting Citizen Kane.
How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?
Brendan Kelly: Thirty two.
Everyone's replacing their least-favorite body parts with cybernetic ones. Which part(s) of your body would you replace?
Brendan Kelly: I am fine with all my parts. I definitely don't want any cybernetic replacements.
What topics or statements would inspire you to call in to a talk radio program?
Brendan Kelly: Very few. In fact, none. I hate talk radio with a passion. Except Loveline. That's funny.
What album(s) should everyone be given on their eighteenth birthday?
Brendan Kelly: The Lawrence Arms' Apathy and Exhaustion. That would mean tons of money for me. Also NWA's Straight Outta Compton, and Appetite for Destruction, because they are the two best albums ever.
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From Fat Wreck Chords' Lawrence Arms bio:
Chicago's Lawrence Arms are a gritty but clever punk rock trio that trace their beginnings back to 1999. These three punks/hunks/drunks blend East Bay punk with an intelligent and introspective Midwest sound. Take those musical influences and add a heap of bad television, some leftist literature, and exactly three cases of the cheapest, most watery piss-beer you can muster, and you're just beginning to get an idea of what this band is about. Imagine Aaron Cometbus and the guys from Jawbreaker sitting around happily drinking Hamms from martini glasses in a dank Chicago basemant whilst watching Press Your Luck or The Rockford Files. Their Fat Wreck debut, Apathy and Exhaustion, is pretty much the best independent record of 2002, so now you know. This band tours hard and drinks harder, so you won't have to wait long to see their drunkeness played out on stage. It's a helluva show.
-- George Zahora
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