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Right now, with no advance notice, and for reasons we're not going to bother explaining, you must get rid of one album from your record collection. Which title gets the chop?
Andy Williams: Some album I got in high school by the band Bop Harvey. It's a bunch of funk world music nonsense.
You wake up one morning and discover that you've grown two feet taller overnight. How does it affect your life?
Andy Williams: All of a sudden I would be "indie rock thin". Why is everyone in this scene so effin' skinny? Are all these emo kids on heroin?
What three things must a town or city have in order for you to be able to live happily there?
Andy Williams: Good independent movie theater, bike trails, and a bowling alley with a discount night.
What's more important: good music or good food? And why?
Andy Williams: Good food. If you've ever been on tour you realize just how much you miss it even when you're playing every night.
Would you rather be anal probed by aliens or have a root canal without anaesthetics? Explain your choice.
Andy Williams: Uh, anal probed, I guess. I'm willing to roll the dice on this one.
Why does the wheel in the sky keep on turning?
Andy Williams: Funny, that. The wheel in the sky keeps on turning, clearly, because of the current Republican administration. It's all about the spin.
You've just been elected to the US senate (if you're not a US citizen, please either pretend you are or move forward on the assumption that you've taken a similar government-type position in your own country). What's on your agenda legislation-wise?
Andy Williams: Securing a woman's right to choose, an actual national energy policy that doesn't involve going to war or drilling in pristine ecosystems, national health care system, extending unemployment benefits, and putting a stop to tax cuts which just put more dollars in the fat cat pockets. I'd vote for me.
If the moon were made of cheese, what kind of cheese would it be made of? Please explain your reasoning.
Andy Williams: Ahhhhhh... I'm lactose intolerant.
You've just won a contest in which the prize is your "dream car". What make and model of car do you choose? (And no, you can't just take the money.)
Andy Williams: Actually, my dream car hasn't been invented yet. It would be something like the size of an early '80s Volvo station wagon but it would be a hybrid like Honda and Toyota are making. I need just a little more payload space.
You can go back in time and kill one person without disrupting the space/time continuum, creating a paradox and causing the universe to collapse upon itself. Who would it be?
Andy Williams: Hard to say. I'd like to think that guys like Hitler or Genghis Khan would be at the top of my list. I figure there's some early jackass who either wrote or translated the Bible into being all effed up who has caused more harm than anyone. But I'd have a hard time tracking that dude down. And even then, he's probably bigger than I am. Am I still two feet taller?
As an experiment, you spend an entire day with a stick of butter duct-taped to your forehead. What do you learn?
Andy Williams: Nothing, it's not like it's going to seep into my brain through my skull.
What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
Andy Williams: Bowling.
What is the coolest animal to watch a nature show about?
Andy Williams: I like beavers. They build dams, go fishin', all kinds of cool stuff. They get a lot done in a day.
What do you do now, as a result of widespread internet access, that you didn't do ten years ago?
Andy Williams: Answer questionnaires like this. It's also a hell of a lot easier to book shows, follow music, keep in touch with friends and buy stuff I don't need.
Who did you last give flowers and why?
Andy Williams: My wife, who at that time was my girlfriend. It just seemed like a nice thing to do.
The thong: instrument of social change or harbinger of dark times?
Andy Williams: Depends on who you ask. Some people claim comfort; others, arousal. Not sure where I come down on this.
The police have just nailed you for some kind of minor infraction. What were you most likely to have been doing?
Andy Williams: I was framed.
Would you shop at a supermarket run by ninjas? Why or why not?
Andy Williams: Come on now.
What article (or articles) of clothing do you wish you never had to wear again? Why?
Andy Williams: I actually like clothes, almost all of them including things like ties. I do have a pair of boxer shorts that are tighter than all my others and my junk sort of hangs out when I wear them. So, yeah, I could stand to lose those.
Taking into account all current political, social and economic situations, which country would you most like to be and why?
Andy Williams: Even considering how screwed up we are, I love the US. Yes, our "leaders" go running around the world screwing things up, which is a total downer. But I love the culture that's here. I love my standard of living. And I love my friends and family. Yeah, our government is screwed up. But whose isn't? And don't give me any crap about how Canada is the promised land.
Tell us about your weirdest experience with a fan.
Andy Williams: Some girl in Knoxville, Tennessee with a Radiohead t-shirt once made our drummer paint something in her little notebook and then scratched it all out ferociously. Then she wrote "read Thomas Pinchon (sic) asshole" on our e-mail list. Hmmm. Maybe she wasn't really a fan.
When was the last time you had an entire day to yourself, and what did you do with it?
Andy Williams: I can't remember the last time I had a day all to myself. I'm always with my wife, friends and family. I am lucky, though -- I don't mind being alone either.
Ever written a letter to the editor? What publication, and on what subject?
Andy Williams: Once when I was in college I complained about the writing of a movie reviewer at the school paper. She had reviewed Reality Bites and talked about how it was the movie of a generation and I thought she was being a complete idiot. Then three years later I was best man in her wedding. Life is strange.
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk? If you're a non-drinker, please limit your self-righteous response to 25 words.
Andy Williams: I have never been drunk in my life. I am 29 years old. Drink up, my bandmates do.
What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep?
Andy Williams: Play guitar.
What are your fellow band members' most irritating habits? If you have no fellow band members, what are your own most irritating habits?
Andy Williams: I refuse to answer this line of questioning as it may compromise my well-being.
You're making a guest appearance as yourself in the TV show of your choice. What's the show, and how do you fit into the plot?
Andy Williams: I think that I would have to go on that John Ritter show, I'm not even sure what it's called, something about rules for dating his daughter. My job would have to be to chastise John for going from doing Three's Company (my guilty pleasure fave sit-com of all time) to doing that unfunny piece of crap. As "myself" I would break down the third wall and address him as John Ritter. It would be such a mindfuck, man! Whooooaaaaaaa! (Editor's Note: Andy answered these questions a couple of months before John Ritter's death.)
In three sentences or less, please give your opinion on the current state of the world.
Andy Williams: I think we're coming to the end of "western civilization"'s Judeo-Christian dominance of the political milieu. It may take another couple of generations, but the rest of the world is clearly sick of getting the business end of the knife. What I expect to see in the meantime is the desperation of the oppressed manifesting itself in ways we have only imagined.
A National Guardsman from Ohio recently changed his name to Optimus Prime, after the Transformer. If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?
Andy Williams: Beasley. When I was a kid I thought Beasley Reece who played for the NY Giants had the coolest name. Now he's a local sports anchor here in Philadelphia.
We're considering lobbying the government to pass a law banning the use of certain overplayed words -- for example, "new", "flaming" and "electric" -- in band names. What other words should be banned?
Andy Williams: "The White Stripes".
Would you rather tour the world for a year, living out of hotels and minibuses, playing to sellout crowds but estranged from all meaningful interpersonal contact, or be crowned the next indie god(s) but be damned to a lifetime of college radio airplay, widespread obscurity and eventual golden years filled with soundtrack work?
Andy Williams: The latter.
What's the most un-rock and roll hobby or interest you have?
Andy Williams: I love my day job -- producer for video/film/TV commercials, etc.
What's the stupidest thing a reviewer ever said about you or your band?
Andy Williams: That we stole everything we did from the Get Up Kids and the Promise Ring. C'mon. We're, like, five years older than those guys.
Some of us have side gigs bartending. Help us out by making up a drink that we can name after you and sell to underaged girls in midriff tee-shirts.
Andy Williams: There would need to be two drinks. The first is the "Tighty Righty". It, being for the under-aged crowd, would consist of iced tea, lemonade, seltzer water and a sprig of mint. The second would be the "Lefty Loosey", which has a Budweiser chaser -- the official beer of this band, from what I understand.
Which is a better reason for an R rating -- pointless, arbitrary violence or over-the-top kinky sex that has nothing to do with the story?
Andy Williams: The latter. Arbitrary violence in movies is just fun any more and can often double as physical comedy. Kinky sex gets boring faster.
Which would be worse -- going three rounds with Mike Tyson, or having sex with Anna Nicole Smith?
Andy Williams: Tyson. I feel like with Anna Nicole Smith I'd at least leave with everything I showed up with.
What's in your fridge right now?
Andy Williams: Many salad dressings and condiments, three bottles of Gatorade, a Brita pitcher of water, some fruit and salad fixins, probably some leftovers and five cans of 35mm motion picture film.
What advice would you give to Michael Jackson?
Andy Williams: Take the next 40 years and try to be "crowned the next indie god, damned to a lifetime of college radio airplay, widespread obscurity and eventual golden years filled with soundtrack work". It's over, Jacko!
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Lefty's Deceiver is Andy Williams, Kristine Muller and Mike Kennedy. They live in Philadelphia and write rock songs that combine melody, rhythm and volume into complex arrangements falling somewhere between Fugazi and the Who. Their fourth record, entitled Cheats, is out now on My Pal God Records. The band name comes from a highly effective salt water fly fishing lure designed by word-reknowned angler Lefty Kreh.
-- George Zahora
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