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Right now, with no advance notice, and for reasons we're not going to bother explaining, you must get rid of one album from your record collection. Which title gets the chop?
Liam Lynch: My crappiest sound FX album. I know that's cheating... but I'm cheating for
reasons I'm not going to bother explaining.
You wake up one morning and discover that you've grown two feet taller overnight. How does it affect your life?
Liam Lynch: I have no pants to put on that fit. I'm nude from the waist down.
What three things must a town or city have in order for you to be able to live happily there?
Liam Lynch: Electricity, plumbing, suburbs.
What's more important: good music or good food? And why?
Liam Lynch: Good music is much more important. What would you listen to in your car
while you eat fast food?
Would you rather be anal probed by aliens or have a root canal without anaesthetics? Explain your choice.
Liam Lynch: I've had many root canals and they are absolutely horrible. Because of
this, I will go with the alien
probing... besides, you don't have open nerve endings in your ass... it
would be
uncomfortable, but nothing like
open nerve yanking.
Why does the wheel in the sky keep on turning?
Liam Lynch: A complicated series of gears and pulleys.
You've just been elected to the US senate (if you're not a US citizen, please either pretend you are or move forward on the assumption that you've taken a similar government-type position in your own country). What's on your agenda legislation-wise?
Liam Lynch: Firstly, this would never happen... I'd probably put more money into
schools... and music and art programs. Also teachers' wages should be
increased.
If the moon were made of cheese, what kind of cheese would it be made of? Please explain your reasoning.
Liam Lynch: Why, moon cheese of course. It's the moon.
You've just won a contest in which the prize is your "dream car". What make and model of car do you choose? (And no, you can't just take the money.)
Liam Lynch: I have the car I really wanted, which is a 350Z, so I don't
know. I'm not really a car guy. I don't think
cars are super cool or mean that you are cooler because you have one. I would
probably be interested in a one seater hover-craft.
You can go back in time and kill one person without disrupting the space/time continuum, creating a paradox and causing the universe to collapse upon itself. Who would it be?
Liam Lynch: After many hundreds of episodes of Doctor Who, I would never do
this, and there is no way you could possibly do this without disrupting the time continuum. For this, I will
say that's a dumb question. I won't
even pretend. Time is a serious matter. Killing and hatred is even more
serious. Shame on you for being so
evil. Next.
As an experiment, you spend an entire day with a stick of butter duct-taped to your forehead. What do you learn?
Liam Lynch: Nothing.
What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
Liam Lynch: In the studio recording or with my cats playing X-box.
What is the coolest animal to watch a nature show about?
Liam Lynch: Insects.
What do you do now, as a result of widespread internet access, that you didn't do ten years ago?
Liam Lynch: I never did things like this.
Who did you last give flowers and why?
Liam Lynch: I'm not really a flower giver, so it would have been long ago. If you want to be really cool, give someone some AA batteries or something that will last longer than flowers. They fade so fast that I see that as more symbolic than their fleeting beauty. I guess I gave flowers to my girlfriend when I was in high school...
The thong: instrument of social change or harbinger of dark times?
Liam Lynch: Just skinny underwear.
The police have just nailed you for some kind of minor infraction. What were you most likely to have been doing?
Liam Lynch: Jaywalking.
Would you shop at a supermarket run by ninjas? Why or why not?
Liam Lynch: I would shop there instead of anywhere else. I only grocery shop between 2:00 and 5:00 a.m. and this is usually when the shelves are being restocked... I would love to watch them flip the boxes around and throw cans onto the shelves with deadly accuracy.
What article (or articles) of clothing do you wish you never had to wear again? Why?
Liam Lynch: I like clothes. I don't have a problem with them or wish I didn't have
to wear
a certain article.
Taking into account all current political, social and economic situations, which country would you most like to be and why?
Liam Lynch: I'd be the USA. It's fucked up, but so is everywhere else. There are a lot of good qualities and they outweigh the bad, in my book. I also like the size and shape and you get a lot of different types of terrain and weather. It's a nice mix of things. Never gets boring.
Tell us about your weirdest experience with a fan.
Liam Lynch: I had someone emailing me maps of routes between our houses. Very weird.
Psycho girls.
When was the last time you had an entire day to yourself, and what did you do with it?
Liam Lynch: Yesterday. I worked for eighteen hours on my computer on an animated piece and on
the Tenacious D movie.
Ever written a letter to the editor? What publication, and on what subject?
Liam Lynch: No, never.
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk? If you're a non-drinker, please limit your self-righteous response to 25 words.
Liam Lynch: I don't drink. It's a waste of time.
What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep?
Liam Lynch: I have a lot of sleep problems, so most of the things I do are things I like to do when I can't sleep, like record music, write, work with video, experiment on the computer, learn programs, edit music videos and stuff like that. I also like playing video games when I can't sleep (even though I've heard that only makes sleeping more difficult).
What are your fellow band members' most irritating habits? If you have no fellow band members, what are your own most irritating habits?
Liam Lynch: I don't look in the mirror much and will work for days without bathing or shaving. My girlfriend tells me when I start looking too "cast-away", like a crazy guy on a deserted island. Then I go in and clean up and shave. Then the ritual starts over. I think I might be more "quirky" than "irritating" but those sorts of things are probably irritating to some. I also drink a lot of Coca Cola and Snapple, which irritates me.
You're making a guest appearance as yourself in the TV show of your choice. What's the show, and how do you fit into the plot?
Liam Lynch: Doctor Who is the show and I'd get to be Doctor Who. Hey, if I can
choose anything, that's what I'd choose. (About fucking time someone showed some taste in this question -- Ed.)
In three sentences or less, please give your opinion on the current state of the world.
Liam Lynch: Friction. Change. Disjointed. Technological. Clashing. Rebirth.
A national guardsman from Ohio recently changed his name to Optimus Prime, after the Transformer. If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?
Liam Lynch: Skeletor.
We're considering lobbying the government to pass a law banning the use of certain overplayed words -- for example, "new", "flaming" and "electric" --in band names. What other words should be banned?
Liam Lynch: I don't know. I actually like over-used words because a band's name tells a lot about them. If their name sounds dumb, and that's all you've heard, you can guess that their songs are probably dumb as well, so you saved yourself from having to investigate them. Also, those flavor-of-the month names usually lead to flavor-of-the-month bands. You can see them coming a mile a way and it's nice when the name gives you warning. I should also add that The "Flaming" Lips and The "Electric" Six are good bands.
Would you rather tour the world for a year, living out of hotels and minibuses, playing to sellout crowds but estranged from all meaningful interpersonal contact, or be crowned the next indie god(s) but be damned to a lifetime of college radio airplay, widespread obscurity and eventual golden years filled with soundtrack work?
Liam Lynch: I would much rather be the second choice. I don't tour because of that very description above. I don't like crowds of people or want the applause. I want to be left alone in a creative environment, where I can actually produce something rather than just flaunt or repeat something. It's really damaging to creativity when labels send bands out for two years and then expect them to have a new album the week they get back home. Taking a year off is the best idea, but scary because you lose your crowd. I'm happy with a small fan base of people I have things in common with and soundtrack work is really fun to do. (I'm not sure if that was a slam on soundtrack work in your question, like you meant it was a dead end or something, but you actually make a lot of money and it takes a lot more work and skill than making an album. It's serious stuff.)
What's the most un-rock and roll hobby or interest you have?
Liam Lynch: Every single one of my interests. I'm not rock and roll in anyway. I
do have tattoos, but not because I was in Guns and Roses.
What's the stupidest thing a reviewer ever said about you or your band?
Liam Lynch: Many stupid things have been said and horribly mis-quoted. In my album, Fake Songs, there is also a free DVD that comes with it. I do this little skit on the DVD called "So Cool, It's Hot". It's about this very topic. On the show an interviewer (played by me) reads this list of all the stupid things that have been written about me. I think the dumbest thing I've read is that I'm the "Indie Weird Al", which couldn't be more un-true.
Some of us have side gigs bartending. Help us out by making up a drink that we can name after you and sell to underaged girls in midriff tee-shirts.
Liam Lynch: Hmm... this is hard because I don't drink and don't go to bars so I
wouldn't even know how to design a drink. Maybe rocket fuel and raspberry Snapple?
Which is a better reason for an R rating -- pointless, arbitrary violence or over-the-top kinky sex that has nothing to do with the story?
Liam Lynch: I would say sex. Lots of PG-13 and even PG movies have a lot of explosions and violence that kids don't realize. I've been thinking a lot about this because I've been writing and I'm about to direct the Tenacious D movie for New Line. It's going to be R rated, mostly for all of its content.
Which would be worse -- going three rounds with Mike Tyson, or having sex with Anna Nicole Smith?
Liam Lynch: I would say Mike Tyson. Anna Nicole would be rough stuff, but I'd rather be crushed by huge fake boobs than bit and punched to death by the hardest punching human on earth.
What's in your fridge right now?
Liam Lynch: Leftovers, takeout food, Cokes, Snapples, salad stuff... some steaks.
What advice would you give to Michael Jackson?
Liam Lynch: Keep it real... whatever "real" is to you. Make some new music that is nothing like what you've done and surprise us again. Be careful with your money and stay out of the public eye for two years.
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Liam Lynch's Fake Songs is in stores now. Our reviewer didn't like it much, but maybe you will.
-- the Splendid Staff
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