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Mark Mallman responds to some POINTLESS QUESTIONS

Mark Mallman
Hey, it's Mark Mallman


Read Splendid's review of The Red Bedroom, visit the Mark Mallman website or buy Mark Mallman stuff at Insound.

What band did you listen to most during the eighties? Do you still like them?

Mark Mallman: Mannheim Steamroller -- is that a band? Anyways, I revisited them a couple of months ago, but the thrill was gone.

What is your worst memory of elementary school? Of high school?

Mark Mallman: All of school is a bad memory, but I remember in elementary school being the guy who brought the boombox for break dancing at recess. I never danced, cause the one time I did, the whole playground was pointing and laughing. In High School this guy, Kirk, taped catsup drenched maxi pads to my locker. I punched him.

You're about to -- ahem -- get lucky. What album is playing in the background? Why'd you choose it?

Mark Mallman: Eno's Music for Films. I used that one a lot in art school, it's more like a drug, just barely music, just barely there, quietly altering the mood -- totally organic and weird, just like doin' it.

What was the first thing you ever shoplifted? Why did you take it?

Mark Mallman: I stole an Almond Danish from the break room of a physical therapy office when I was 17. Bakery is still my weakness, I can remember shaking when I ate it. Mmmmmmm...

If you could beat up anyone in the world and get away without the usual annoying real-world consequences -- jail time, lawsuits, bad press, etc. -- who would it be, and why?

Mark Mallman: Iron Mike Tyson, cause no one's kicked his ass yet, I'd get rich!

What's the biggest risk you've ever taken? Why did you take it?

Mark Mallman: When we we're shooting my last movie (Hell Devils from Hell), I decided it would be a good idea if I climbed over the side of a cliff in the middle of Death Valley. Stupid stupid stupid. It didn't even dawn on me what I was doing untill I was over the side, then I nearly shit my pants. It's not the hugest risk, but definitely one of the many dumb ones.

It's better to regret something you have done than it is to regret something you haven't done. What do you regret doing (other than agreeing to answer these questions)? Why did you do it?

Mark Mallman: When I was 16 my dad gave me his 1967 Mercury Cougar. It was mint. The next day I drove it to the bank, the 287 was too out of control for my weak ass self and I crossed the median into oncoming traffic. When I got back home I told my dad "No way! I want a slow car!" What an ungrateful kid I was, damn. He was trying to make a man out of me, he failed. I'm sorry dad, I should have taken the car. Maybe I'd have a real job instead of this half assed music thing.

Did you go to your high school prom? If so, who did you go with?

Mark Mallman: I went to Prom with a girl named Kelly who was on the soccer team. Once I asked her if there was a lot of dyking out going on in the locker room and she hit me. We went to prom for maybe ten minutes, tops; it sucked, just like I knew it would, but the coolest part was we left our prom stuff on and crashed a wedding reception! At the end of the night she told me she was on the rag. I think she was lying.

What movie would you recommend to absolutely anyone? Why?

Mark Mallman: Koyaanisqatsi. Risky Business is a great film too. There's something profound in it, I'm not sure what -- I'll have to watch it another 50 times. Also John Carpenters Vampires -- oh, and Alphaville by Godard. Koyaanisqatsi would be a good movie to show your pets.

For reasons we won't bother going into right now, you're going to be locked in the back of a truck for a sixteen hour drive between gigs. If you could have any musician, past or present, back there to keep you company, who would it be?

Mark Mallman: There's this new girl, Avril Lavigne -- damn, what a nubile! NC-17.

What is your strongest, most unshakeable belief?

Mark Mallman: God -- no matter how badly I don't want to, I believe in God.

If you could sponsor any beverage -- appear in their ads, receive a lifetime supply and never be seen drinking a competing product --what beverage would it be?

Mark Mallman: Tab.

What's wrong with Rolling Stone these days?

Mark Mallman: Not enough movie stars on the cover.

Why are frogs amusing?

Mark Mallman: Frogs are amusing when they are born deformed. Also when you put one down someone's shirt. Especially a deformed one! Ahhh, the 21st century.

You've traveled back in time and met yourself, age sixteen. What do you think?

Mark Mallman: He will not have sex for many years.

The US government is considering far more aggressive regulation of leather pants. Under the new rules, who should or shouldn't be allowed to wear them?

Mark Mallman: Creed should have to eat their own leather pants. Members of Train should have to eat the members of Creed. A team of scientists should collect DNA samples from Jim Morrison's grave, regrow him, force the new Jim Morrison to eat the dead corpse of himself then shoot himself. Women are allowed to wear leather pants. God bless them.

What, in your opinion, is the best porn?

Mark Mallman: Latex by Micheal Ninn.

What food item could you eat every day for the rest of your life without getting bored of it? What's so good about it?

Mark Mallman: Pizza is a holy food. Never have I gotten bored of it. I read online a masturbation technique for males involving a delivered pizza on a kitchen floor. Disgusting. Some people love food too much. Maybe. Ahhh, what the hell -- it's the '90s!

Everyone's replacing their least-favorite body parts with cybernetic ones. Which part(s) of your body would you replace?

Mark Mallman: I would replace the part of me that wanted to be a musician. Then I would replace my entire face. Then I would teach Algebra II. Then I would kill myself.

What album(s) should everyone be given on their eighteenth birthday?

Mark Mallman: John Cale's Music For A New Society. John Cale's Fragments of a Rainy Season. John Cale's Fear. John Cale's Paris 1919...and the Repo Man soundtrack.

· · · · · · ·

Other than his newly-released The Red Bedroom -- which we described as "a pleasing exercise in downcast, '70s influenced singer/songwriter piano-pop" -- Mark Mallman may be best known for his split EP with Promise Ring/Pele side project Vermont. So there you go.

-- George Zahora


Splendid is always looking for artists and bands who can answer our Pointless Questions quickly and cleverly. We mostly do them by e-mail, so they're quick and painless...unless you can't type. E-mail us for more information!

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