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Mark Mallman tries some more POINTLESS QUESTIONS

mark mallman
Mark Mallman


Read Splendid's review of Live from First Avenue, Minneapolis, check out Mark's previous Pointless Questions appearance, visit MarkMallman.com or buy Mark Mallman stuff at Insound.

Right now, with no advance notice, and for reasons we're not going to bother explaining, you must get rid of one album from your record collection. Which title gets the chop?

Mark Mallman: I would say the new Coldplay record. It's just not that good. I wonder who votes on these Grammy things anyways? maybe they just draw names out of a hat. I dunno. If Radiohead wouldn't have stopped making pop music this never would have happened.

Would you rather be anal probed by aliens or have a root canal without anaesthetics?

Mark Mallman: I have to get two root canals next month because of some fucked up surgery I had 12 years ago -- and now I chew on pens and that fucked up my front teeth. The worst part is that it will cost $1500 -- 'cause I have no insurance. Michael Jackson, if you are reading this, would you send me some money to pay for the root canals? and some extra to pay for nitrous? shit, I'd even get probed by aliens (which is the same thing as Michael Jackson) for the money to pay for my root canals....and nitrous.

Why does the wheel in the sky keep on turning?

Mark Mallman: I've never seen a wheel in the sky -- but once I had a dream about a giant floating pecan pie. That's my favorite dream. Steve is coming to grips with the vagabond nature of what it is to be a member of Journey and the slow monotony of days passing. "Winter is here again, oh Lord" could be taken as a metaphor for the realization of his own mortality. Steve was 29 years old when he joined Journey. I wish I could join Journey, but I'm 30 -- and that's too old.

You've just won a contest in which the prize is your "dream car". What make and model of car do you choose?

Mark Mallman: I would really like to own a dune buggy. Then I would have three girlfriends to ride around with me. They would all call me Vampireboy, and if one of them didn't, I would push her out of the dune buggy. The next morning we would drive around and find a replacement.

Oh, that's silly -- how could I ever only have three girlfriends? I guess instead I would get a Dune Bus!

What's the best way to spend a rainy day?

Mark Mallman: Screwing is always the best thing to do. As long as you don't make any babies. Babies are the worst. Never shake a baby, ever that's the worst thing to do. If you do end up making a baby and you don't have any money, the worst thing you can do is hide it under the floorboards of your house. Your best bet is to leave it on a bus. It is Federal law that a bus driver is responsible for any babies left on the bus -- including paying for college. Actually, I don't know if that's true. I'll try it today and see what happens. If you eat your baby, then who can prove that it really ever existed? Nobody.

What is the coolest animal to watch a nature show about?

Mark Mallman: Any animal having sex is totally weird, and those TV shows like to show it all the time. I like underwater stuff. It's like watching drugs. Plus you don't have to watch fucking. Oh my god, a whale has got a huge dick. It's unbelievable.

Who did you last give flowers and why?

Mark Mallman: Michelle is such a sweetheart, and her and I were dating. She is very beautiful and it was my idea to bring her flowers all the time, which I did, for a while, do. I also bought her a goldfish once. She jumped up and down and really loved me for that cause "nobody ever got her a fishy" before -- it was very cute, and I felt like a real man for a minute. One weekend we drove to Mount Rushmore, and on the way home we got in a huge fight. Part of the fight involved Christina Aguilera. Anyways, when she got home, the goldfish was dead. We made up that evening, and somehow...it came back to life! Good thing she didn't flush it. I think it would be better if we planted flowers for people instead of buying clipped ones and watching them die.

The police have just nailed you for some kind of minor infraction. What were you most likely to have been doing?

Mark Mallman: Total world domination...or streaking.

Would you shop at a supermarket run by ninjas? Why or why not?

Mark Mallman: I am very good at fighting because I was raised by a medical assistant and a maker of x-ray tubes. Also I used to love that show Thirtysomething when I was younger, which is why I am so good with knives. Now, I'm almost 30, and life is once again nothing like the TV show.

What article (or articles) of clothing do you wish you never had to wear again? Why?

Mark Mallman: I had this catering job where I had to wear a bow tie. Holy shit, humiliating. People at weddings can be very mean. Especially when you short them on condiments. I had this boss, who was fired, who wore bolo ties, he was a real bastard and a liar. I do like a lady in a tie, though -- that's a good look.

Taking into account all current political, social and economic situations, which country would you most like to be and why?

Mark Mallman: I would be New Zealand, because it is home to the Giant Squid. First thing I'd do is change my name to Diet Cokeland for an undisclosed but large sum of money. Then I would by a moped factory. I would then use the undisclosed but large sum of money in the design and development of the Giant Squidped -- which would be either A) a moped for giant squids. or B) a giant squid-shaped moped. The Giant Squidped would then be used for total world domination.

Have you ever written a letter to the editor?

Mark Mallman: I wrote a letter about how shitty the movie A.I. was. I waited a long time for that movie to come out, and it was very lame. The only good part was the cyber city of sex and the robot teddy bear. If it were my movie, I would have had the robot teddy bear attack and disassemble the robot little boy, then rebuild himself as a Man-bear! He would be a stud. For sure the movie would be NC-17, cause those movies are 95 percent of the time really really good. I'd call it Manbear Does Sex City: The Musical. That's a good idea, maybe I'll do it anyways.

Please give your opinion on the current state of the world.

Mark Mallman: The world is a cool place, man. There's a ton of good movies to see. Also, the food is great here. All in all, I think there should be less greed -- and people shouldn't burn CDs from independent artists who need the money to pay for things like rent. Also, I think the world would be better if there weren't any guns -- but then movies wouldn't be as cool, cause what would they shoot at each other with, bananas?

We're considering lobbying the government to pass a law banning the use of certain overplayed words --for example, "new", "flaming" and "electric" -- in band names. What other words should be banned?

Mark Mallman: 1) Bone 2) Nation 3) Monkey. Also, the use of meaningless numbers in band names, such as 41, 17, or 1000 should be punishable by death.

Some of us have side gigs bartending. Help us out by making up a drink that we can name after you and sell to underaged girls in midriff tee-shirts?

Mark Mallman: "Absolut Statutory".

Which would be worse -- going three rounds with Mike Tyson, or having sex with Anna Nicole Smith?

Mark Mallman: I love sex. I would have sex with her, but I bet she's screwed tons of dudes and maybe caught something she doesn't even know about. So I'd probably choose to kick Mike Tyson's ass, which is something I should probably do anyways, but I'm always so busy with this music business thing.

What's in your fridge right now?

Mark Mallman: Diet Coke. 16mm film. Beans and rice from three weeks ago. Cookie Dough. In the freezer there is ice.

What advice would you give to Michael Jackson?

Mark Mallman: Dear Michael Jackson, please can I have some money? I have medical bills. Also, I wrote this script for a horror movie about ghosts. I want to shoot it on DVcam. I am very poor, like you were as a child -- only I am almost 30. I am a very cool dude; some girls will tell you that I am an asshole, but that's only 'cause I have a foul mouth sometimes and I think with my wiener. This movie would be really scary though. Just a few thousand dollars would be fine, or more would be really good. Nobody would even know the money was missing -- you could just tell them you bought another llama. I know somebody who worked on one of your videos and he said you were a nice guy. Help a brother out. Your pal, Mark Mallman.

Which is a better reason for an R rating -- pointless, arbitrary violence or over-the-top kinky sex that has nothing to do with the story?

Mark Mallman: Sex is the cheapest special effect! That's one of the things I learned in art school. That Maggie Gyllenhaal, she's a real sex goddess. Damn -- I'd like to show her how fast I can play arpeggios!

What do you do now, as a result of widespread internet access, that you didn't do ten years ago?

Mark Mallman: I just learned how to spell Maggie Gyllenhaal. Now if I could only use the internet to prove to her that I am a worthy suitor...

The thong: instrument of social change or harbinger of dark times?

Mark Mallman: I love to see a thong on a woman....but I love even more to see a thong off of a woman!

What's the stupidest thing a reviewer ever said about you or your band?

Mark Mallman: A couple weeks after a showcase, I asked a buddy of mine what the famous writer who came said about my show. It was sad. He said "I don't understand why he was wearing a Kinks shirt, it's not very pro" or something like that. WTF, Michael?

Would you rather tour the world for a year, living out of hotels and minibuses, playing to sellout crowds but estranged from all meaningful interpersonal contact, or be crowned the next indie god(s) but be damned to a lifetime of college radio airplay, widespread obscurity and eventual golden years filled with soundtrack work?

Mark Mallman: Shit, I'd be happy if a label actually put time and effort into promoting my release. Also, some distribution would be lovely! And I know I already said this, but, if people wouldn't burn CDs from independent artists who need the money to pay for things like rent and food. Go ahead and burn all the Metallica you want, but don't expect me to sign your t-shirt after you just told me you burned my record from your buddy a couple days before the show. (That actually happened a couple nights ago.)

What's more important: good music or good food?

Mark Mallman: To me, good music. It's harder to find, that's for sure, and cheaper to buy. I'd be fine if all we had to eat were Krispy Kremes, Jack Daniels and Digiorno's pepperoni and four cheese.

What's the most un-rock and roll hobby or interest you have?

Mark Mallman: Telling the truth to other musicians about how many CDs I've actually sold...and ghost hunting.

· · · · · · ·

From the official bio: "One of the most compelling and unique songwriters and performers to emerge from Minneapolis in years, Mark Mallman's reputation is exploding out of his home base into the world at large. He continues his reputation for intense and invigorating live performances with his first live album, Live from First Avenue, Minneapolis. This album recorded at the legendary First Avenue nightclub in front of a thousand enthusiastic fans, showcases great new material along side supercharged versions of tracks from Mallman's previous releases. Mallman's live band is razor-sharp and in peak form. More than just documenting a great live performer, this album synthesizes the manic energy and reflective song craft that define Mark Mallman."

-- George Zahora


Splendid is always looking for artists and bands who can answer our Pointless Questions quickly and cleverly. We mostly do them by e-mail, so they're quick and painless...unless you can't type. E-mail us for more information!

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