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You've just won a contest in which the prize is your "dream car". What make and model of car do you choose? (And no, you can't just take the money.)
Pete Hoffman: 1972 Dodge Dart Swinger. I used to have one when I lived in Georgia, but I sold it when I moved to NYC -- undoubtedly the worst mistake of my life. I truly loved that car. When my father bought it for me in 1992 it had 39,000 miles on it. A nice old grandmother literally drove it to church on Sundays for 20 years. The best part was the "TACO WGN" license plate after the Young Fresh Fellows song.
Which would be worse -- going three rounds with Mike Tyson, or having sex with Anna Nicole Smith?
Pete Hoffman: Clearly going three rounds with Mike Tyson is worse. Unless you're named Lennox, Buster or Evander, you stand a very good chance of being killed or seriously wounded. Also, there is a chance that your children would be eaten. Well, I guess there is a chance that Anna Nicole would eat your children, too. I don't know. Maybe it's a tie.
What's the most un-rock and roll hobby or interest you have?
Pete Hoffman: I'm obsessed with Strat-O-Matic Baseball. It's the baseball equivalent of Dungeons & Dragons. Actually, one of my more clever friends dubbed it Dungeons & Dugouts. I get an endless amount grief about it. Luckily, I like Lou Gehrig and Joe Morgan more than most of my friends.
What's in your fridge right now?
Pete Hoffman: Whatever my girlfriend puts in it and a Diet Coke.
What three things must a town or city have in order for you to be able to live happily there?
Pete Hoffman: 1. Good public transportation. 2. One, but preferably, two professional baseball
teams. 3. A summer softball league.
What's more important: good music or good food? And why?
Pete Hoffman: Good music. Food is not a great concern to me. I was born with less than satisfactory taste buds. I've never gotten very excited about food. I'll pretty much eat anything as long as it's cheap and doesn't taste very good. Also, I generally find talking about food to be boring, while talking about music is only sometimes boring.
You've just been elected to the US senate (if you're not a US citizen, please either pretend you are or move forward on the assumption that you've taken a similar government-type position in your own country). What's on your agenda legislation-wise?
Pete Hoffman: My agenda is so unpopular that I would never get elected. Regardless, I would work to repeal mandatory minimums, the "three-strikes you're out" policy, the Patriot Act and the absurd tax cuts. Also, I'd increase penalties for corporate fraud, re-regulate the airwaves and dismantle monopolies like Clear Channel. Also, I think it's time to decriminalize marijuana, figure out a way to declare a Palestinian State, find alternative fuel sources, and truly have a separation of church and state. Lastly, I'd push for legislation that would allow us to permanently ignore all of our allies and the entire
world intelligence community, so we can bomb the living shit out any country that is not a threat to
the United States whenever we want to. Ha.
Right now, with no advance notice, and for reasons we're not going to bother explaining, you must get rid of one album from your record collection. Which title gets the chop?
Pete Hoffman: I'd probably get rid of Prince's Dirty Mind. I love that record, but I haven't listened to it in five or six years. Maybe, I'll just put it into my iTunes and sell it to used CD store.
You can go back in time and kill one person without disrupting the space/time continuum, creating a paradox and causing the universe to collapse upon itself. Who would it be?
Pete Hoffman: I'd like to say someone like Hitler, Stalin, Joseph McCarthy, Paul Wolfowitz or any of the most evil men to ever walk the face of the earth. However, I know eventually some other crackpot, lunatic, freak would come along with the same ridiculous ideas, thus making their death utterly meaningless. Therefore, despite the wonderful careers of Edgar Martinez and "Weird" Harold Baines, I'd kill the guy or guys who came up with the Designated Hitter. What's baseball without a double switch, I ask you!
Would you shop at a supermarket run by ninjas? Why or why not?
Pete Hoffman: Only if they were mutants and teenagers.
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk? If you're a non-drinker, please limit your self-righteous response to 25 words.
Pete Hoffman: This is really a question that is better answered by my sober friends. As far as I can remember, the dumbest thing I've ever done while drunk was showing up to a Catholic wedding hammered. Let's just say all the standing up and sitting down, had explosive, Linda Blair-esque results. And yes, there is videotape.
Who did you last give flowers and why?
Pete Hoffman: I gave my mother flowers for mother's day.
Tell us about your weirdest experience with a fan.
Pete Hoffman: We had a fan write a play somewhat about us. It's
actually a really good play and it was performed in
NYC. I wouldn't say it was exactly weird, though.
You wake up one morning and discover that you've grown two feet taller overnight. How does it affect your life?
Pete Hoffman: My life wouldn't change at all. I'm already grotesquely tall. Recently, on a music message board, I was referred to as the "Mark Eaton-esque guy from the Mendoza Line." Mark Eaton was a seven foot four center for the Utah Jazz in the 1980s. That hurt.
What article (or articles) of clothing do you wish you never had to wear again? Why?
Pete Hoffman: Jockstrap. I'm sure no explanation is necessary.
Would you rather be anal probed by aliens or have a root canal without anaesthetics? Explain your choice.
Pete Hoffman: Since aliens don't exist, definitely the anal probe.
What advice would you give to Michael Jackson?
Pete Hoffman: Don't hang your kids off of balconies.
Which is a better reason for an r rating -- pointless, arbitrary violence or over-the-top kinky sex that has nothing to do with the story?
Pete Hoffman: Neither is a particularly good reason for an R rating. Anyone with a television or an Internet connection can see as much "pointless, arbitrary violence or over-the-top kinky sex" as they want to. What's the point of a rating system?
What is the coolest animal to watch a nature show about?
Pete Hoffman: I'm absolutely obsessed with Architeuthis Dux, otherwise known as the Giant Squid. The Discovery Channel is always running specials about how people have never seen a living Giant Squid, despite the fact that dozens of the creatures wash up on beaches around the world every year. Obsessed!
The police have just nailed you for some kind of minor infraction. What were you most likely to have been doing?
Pete Hoffman: Speaking German in Findlay, OH. I think this is probably the weirdest WWII law that is still on the books.
What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
Pete Hoffman: There have been a lot of rainy days in New York lately, so I'm becoming an expert on this subject. I tend to stay home and watch a ton of Netflix DVDs, clean up a little, play guitar, and eventually find myself inside a warm bar.
What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep?
Pete Hoffman: Watch the same Sportscenter over and over and over and
over and over and over again.
In three sentences or less please give your opinion on the current state of the world.
Pete Hoffman: I need fifty paragraphs to answer this one. Since I
only get three sentences, I only have one thing to
say. Monkeypox can't be a good sign.
A national guardsman from Ohio recently changed his name to Optimus Prime, after the Transformer. If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?
Pete Hoffman: Skeletor.
Ever written a letter to the editor? What publication, and on what subject?
Pete Hoffman: No.
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The Mendoza Line will always be our favorite batch of Brooklyn slackers. They're due for a new album pretty damn soon.
-- George Zahora
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