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Right now, with no advance notice, and for reasons we're not going to bother explaining, you must get rid of one album from your record collection. Which title gets the chop?
Ted Edwards: Considering all I own is a much travelled copy of New York Tenderberry by Laura Nyro and an Amanda Lear album, that's a tough one. Perhaps I could buy one expressly to be chopped -- perhaps an "alt-country" record?
You wake up one morning and discover that you've grown two feet taller overnight. How does it affect your life?
Ted Edwards: I retire (hurt) from my glittering musical career and start modelling for Vivienne Westwood.
What three things must a town or city have in order for you to be able to live happily there?
Ted Edwards: A poets' corner, a winter and heavy industry.
What's more important: good music or good food? And why?
Ted Edwards: Music. I have starved and still had music, but I have had good food in environments where good music was in short supply.
Would you rather be anal probed by aliens or have a root canal without anaesthetics? Explain your choice
Ted Edwards: Having had a root canal in an Indian Hospital at 2:00 a.m. with only a large scotch to assuage my suffering. I think I'll go for the anal probe... providing it's a beautiful alien?
Why does the wheel in the sky keep on turning?
Ted Edwards: Didn't it stop?
You've just been elected to the US senate (if you're not a US citizen, please either pretend you are or move forward on the assumption that you've taken a similar government-type position in your own country). What's on your agenda legislation-wise?
Ted Edwards: Corporate accountability, creation of a true monopolies commission, review of the Constitution, free health care for all, and compulsory same-sex marriage...
If the moon were made of cheese, what kind of cheese would it be made of? Please explain your reasoning.
Ted Edwards: Sharp Cheddar. The moon is closer to God and Sharp Cheddar is "god's cheese".
You've just won a contest in which the prize is your "dream car". What make and model of car do you choose? (And no, you can't just take the money.)
Ted Edwards: 1964 Jaguar Mk2, black with black leather interior and wood dashboard.
You can go back in time and kill one person without disrupting the space/time continuum, creating a paradox and causing the universe to collapse upon itself. Who would it be?
Ted Edwards: Margaret Thatcher for destroying any unity the British working class had.
As an experiment, you spend an entire day with a stick of butter duct-taped to your forehead. What do you learn?
Ted Edwards: (a) stupidity wastes time, (b) to enjoy the refrigerator.
What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
Ted Edwards: In bed with a beautiful woman, a good burgundy and the Eric Rohmer box set.
What is the coolest animal to watch a nature show about?
Ted Edwards: Mooks or McGuffins.
What do you do now, as a result of widespread internet access, that you didn't do ten years ago?
Ted Edwards: Twice as many indignant letters to the Editor.
Who did you last give flowers and why?
Ted Edwards: My wife, for various misdemeanors...
The police have just nailed you for some kind of minor infraction. What were you most likely to have been doing?
Ted Edwards: Poaching.
Would you shop at a supermarket run by ninjas? Why or why not?
Ted Edwards: It would really depend if they were ninjas I had previously slighted. There are some out there...
Taking into account all current political, social and economic situations, which country would you most like to be and why?
Ted Edwards: France... Liberty, Equality and Fraternity!
Tell us about your weirdest experience with a fan.
Ted Edwards: Inspiring one to write a novel, since published... Ssshhh!
When was the last time you had an entire day to yourself, and what did you do with it?
Ted Edwards: Sushi, Sang, Sauna, Evelyn Waugh, silence, Chimay.
Ever written a letter to the editor? What publication, and on what subject?
Ted Edwards: Too many, on too many subjects to fit here. I write to papers, magazines, authors, etcetera on a daily basis and have since I was 13.
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk? If you're a non-drinker, please limit your self-righteous response to 25 words.
Ted Edwards: Going to art school.
What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep?
Ted Edwards: I never have that problem.
What are your fellow band members' most irritating habits? If you have no fellow band members, what are your own most irritating habits?
Ted Edwards: Me -- egomaniacal drama-queen, overly detail oriented. Adrian -- fascinating parking facts. Jon -- embracing the dark side. Chris -- is perfect.
You're making a guest appearance as yourself in the TV show of your choice. What's the show, and how do you fit into the plot?
Ted Edwards: Fawlty Towers... Wayward cricketing pal of Basil's who was Sybil's old
flame?
In three sentences or less, please give your opinion on the current state of the world.
Ted Edwards: This world has made my heart sink, and it may never be retrieved.
A national guardsman from Ohio recently changed his name to Optimus Prime, after the Transformer. If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?
Ted Edwards: I am unable to ever change my name as I would be summarily executed by the House of Edwards.
We're considering lobbying the government to pass a law banning the use of certain overplayed words -- for example, "new", "flaming" and "electric" -- in band names. What other words should be banned?
Ted Edwards: "Dashboard", "Magnetic".
Would you rather tour the world for a year, living out of hotels and minibuses, playing to sellout crowds but estranged from all meaningful interpersonal contact, or be crowned the next indie god(s) but be damned to a lifetime of college radio airplay, widespread obscurity and eventual golden years filled with soundtrack work?
Ted Edwards: I'd rather live as a recluse, writing the occasional musical, playing one show at Madison Square Garden and one at the Albert Hall each year for five years. When the five years is up -- disappear completely and live off the royalties of my Broadway smashes, only to return at 70 with an album of pre-19th Century English ballads.
What's the most un-rock and roll hobby or interest you have?
Ted Edwards: Cricket, Chaucer, Hogarth, the House of Hanover... Actually, I have almost no "rock and roll" interests, now I come to think about it.
What's the stupidest thing a reviewer ever said about you or your band?
Ted Edwards: "...Slade meets Morrissey..."????
Some of us have side gigs bartending. Help us out by making up a drink that we can name after you and sell to underage girls in midriff tee-shirts?
Ted Edwards: Real drink I invented -- The Suntan. Stoli and carrot juice. Helped me out with girls in midriff tee-shirts on many an occasion.
Which would be worse -- going three rounds with Mike Tyson, or having sex with Anna Nicole Smith?
Ted Edwards: Having sex with Mike Tyson.
What's in your fridge right now?
Ted Edwards: Small jar of caviar, three Chimays, a salmon... the landlord's head.
What advice would you give to Michael Jackson?
Ted Edwards: Nothing that he shouldn't have been told a thousand times before by "friends" and family. I don't get the fascination with Jackson, it's like slowing down for a car-wreck...
What's the stupidest catch phrase of the last decade?
Ted Edwards: Hella.
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The Music Lovers are three englishmen and an Irishman. Their lead singer/songwriter has traversed the globe twice, been homeless, jailed, an invalid and a professional bingo caller. As a singer he has performed on Scandinavian Cruise Liners, toured Italian Marxist clubs, and written a musical. Their new EP, Cheap Songs Tell The Truth, is a short introduction to the world of The Music Lovers: a world of bed-sitting room symphonies, of awkward intimacies, unseen triumphs, of the other city, the one just a train ride away. It is Brill Building pop with a melancholy core, folklore, show-tunes and love songs for the disenfranchised.
-- George Zahora
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