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You wake up one morning and discover that you've grown two feet taller overnight. How does it affect your life?
Mike Downey: None of my pants fit, my head hits every doorframe I pass through, and I ink a deal with the Denver Nuggets.
What three things must a town or city have in order for you to be able to live happily there?
Mike Downey: Aurelio's Pizza, a disc golf course and a liquor store.
Why does the wheel in the sky keep on turning?
Mike Downey: Some things you just don't fuck with. One is the wheel in the sky.
If the moon were made of cheese, what kind of cheese would it be made of? Please explain your reasoning.
Mike Downey: Gouda... but only if I could visit the moon with a surplus of Carr's crackers. What a treat.
You've just won a contest in which the prize is your "dream car". What make and model of car do you choose? (And no, you can't just take the money.)
Mike Downey: The VW Jetta wagons are at the top of my list now. Does that make me sound old?
You can go back in time and kill one person without disrupting the space/time continuum, creating a paradox and causing the universe to collapse upon itself. Who would it be?
Mike Downey: Well, since I believe in karma I wouldn't kill anyone. People that kill others and seemingly get away with it end up in a cardboard box under a bridge in a future life.
As an experiment, you spend an entire day with a stick of butter duct-taped to your forehead. What do you learn?
Mike Downey: I learn that duct tape can accomplish just about any task you want it to including holding a stick of butter to your head for an entire day.
What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
Mike Downey: Well, if it's a warm and rainy day I like to stand around in my garage with the door open and smoke some cigarettes and watch the rain.
What is the coolest animal to watch a nature show about?
Mike Downey: Zebras, those poor zebras. It's like you know they're going to get chomped when they all cross the river and you want to turn the channel but you just can't. While watching this once, my wife mentioned that she could see the fear in the zebra's eyes just before it got eaten alive...a brutal and chilling taste of the wild.
The thong: instrument of social change or harbinger of dark times?
Mike Downey: Never mind the thong, have you heard of butt-cleavage?
Would you shop at a supermarket run by ninjas? Why or why not?
Mike Downey: Definitely. I bet the deli would be far out. I'm imagining a storm of martial arts skill and roast beef.
What article (or articles) of clothing do you wish you never had to wear again? Why?
Mike Downey: Cummerbund. Obvious reasons.
Tell us about your weirdest experience with a fan.
Mike Downey: There's a small, yet artistically powerful, sect of fans out there that like to draw bands in cartoon form while they're at the show watching the band. There's nothing weirder than stepping off stage and being handed a napkin that portrays you with a ballooned head and bugged out eyes.
When was the last time you had an entire day to yourself, and what did you do with it?
Mike Downey: Just last weekend I had all Sunday to myself. I wrote a song, then recorded it. I took breaks to go downstairs and check up on our seven month-old puppy. She can be an evil ball of fluff when unsupervised.
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk? If you're a non-drinker, please limit your self-righteous response to 25 words.
Mike Downey: Decided that a five-pack of White Castle's jalapeno burgers was a "good idea".
What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep?
Mike Downey: Wake up those who are sleeping by going, "Are you sleeping?"
What are your fellow band members' most irritating habits? If you have no fellow band members, what are your own most irritating habits?
Mike Downey: My jaw clicks when I eat sometimes; I've been told it's annoying. The dentist told me I'd just have to live with it.
You're making a guest appearance as yourself in the TV show of your choice. What's the show, and how do you fit into the plot?
Mike Downey: I'd be on Cheers. I'd walk in and the place would go "MIKE!"...but I'd just walk into that weird back room that they rarely showed. I think it was a billiard room?
We're considering lobbying the government to pass a law banning the use of certain overplayed words -- for example, "new", "flaming" and "electric" -- in band names. What other words should be banned?
Mike Downey: I'm also in a band called The New Constitution. Please don't ban us. We mean no harm.
You wouldn't want me to lobby for a law banning Pointless Questions, now, would you?
Would you rather tour the world for a year, living out of hotels and minibuses, playing to sellout crowds but estranged from all meaningful interpersonal contact, or be crowned the next indie god(s) but be damned to a lifetime of college radio airplay, widespread obscurity and eventual golden years filled with soundtrack work?
Mike Downey: Longevity sounds better to me. Touring isn't all it's thought to be. Although I love to get out on the road, the albums that I am a part of will last forever while the last tour you were on is usually forgotten about shortly after returning, no matter how many minibuses you ride in.
What's the most un-rock and roll hobby or interest you have?
Mike Downey: Disc-golf.
What's the stupidest thing a reviewer ever said about you or your band?
Mike Downey: Two words: Brent DiCresenzo. That's all I'm saying.
Which would be worse -- going three rounds with Mike Tyson, or having sex with Anna Nicole Smith?
Mike Downey: Hmmm, getting my face caved in doesn't sound like fun. I'll take the girl with the dog that farts.
What's in your fridge right now?
Mike Downey: Beer, leftovers that have crossed over into the "science experiment" category, half and half, carrots (lots of carrots).
What advice would you give to Michael Jackson?
Mike Downey: Sell Paul McCartney his songs back.
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From the band's web site: "The National Splits is the solo recording project of me, Mike Downey. The Splits originally formed as a guitar/drums duo of myself and Dan Marsden in late 2000 after I had left the band Wolfie. Over the next year or so we played occassional shows and self-released an EP. But we also had our hands in a four piece band called The New Constitution and were trying to establish that as well. Once The New Constitution started playing shows regularly we quickly realized that we could not take on both bands at the same time. This is when I took on the Splits as a solo project. After releasing my debut full length and 7" I started to tour solo, breaking the songs down to their core and performing them with an acoustic guitar. These solo performances dwindled as The New Constitution's schedule became more involved. For the release of Fontana, The New Constitution played as The National Splits for the first ever full band Splits show. I really have no idea if this will ever happen again (or if I'll perform solo either); only time will tell. Live performances aside, my heart is in this project and I hold it very close and hope to continue releasing material on a regular schedule as long as I possibly can."
-- George Zahora
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