|
You can choose to have one -- and only one -- super power. Other than gaining that power, you remain exactly the same as you are now. What super power would you pick, and why?
Patton Oswalt: I want the power to be able to teleport anywhere I want, but in a way so that no ever sees the moment where I appear or disappear.
What was your favorite day job, and why? If you hated them all, what was the best (meaning most interesting) way you ever quit a job?
Patton Oswalt: My favorite day job was taking P.O. Box orders in a porn warehouse in San Francisco. Every single person stressed, over-much, that the porn had to be sent to the P.O. Box. It was always gay porn. I had a lot of fun imagining the personal torment and self-denial that went into what was probably a sham, heterosexual marriage. Lots of nervous, watery voices over that phone line.
We've all heard variations on the phrase "there are two kinds of people in the world... Those who (do or think something) and those who (do or think something else)". What are the two kinds of people in the world for you?
Patton Oswalt: Those who've learn how to merely get by and those who's learned how to learn.
If money/ambition/significant others/et cetera were all non-issues, where would you choose to live and why?
Patton Oswalt: Portland, Oregon or Dublin, Ireland. I want to end up in a rainy place with clean air where I can read.
You've been given the money and resources to produce a movie biography of the most significant, influential person in your life. Who's it about, what's the story, and who plays the central character?
Patton Oswalt: Ben Franklin. It starts with him being run out of London for treason, going back to Philadelphia, forming his own cool, rock star scene, and then using that anger against Great Britain to found the United Motherfucking States of America. Paul Giamatti would play Ben Franklin.
Summarize your driving ability in 25 words or less.
Patton Oswalt: "Greased ADD".
Why do your hands smell like that?
Patton Oswalt: I love Cheetos.
You've just entered a contest in which the prize is an MP3 player loaded with the complete, exhaustive recorded output of any artist you choose. You win. Who do you choose?
Patton Oswalt: Holly Golightly.
What are you carrying on your person -- in your pockets, purse, et cetera -- right now?
Patton Oswalt: A wallet in my left rear pocket and a hotel room key card in my shirt pocket.
You're on tour, you're in an unfamiliar city, you haven't eaten in 24 hours, and due to some poor financial decisions, you have only a single unit of the local currency -- one dollar, one pound, or thereabouts. What do you eat?
Patton Oswalt: A bag of peanuts.
What was the last song you danced to? Who, if anyone, did you dance with?
Patton Oswalt: Something by Kool and the Gang, at this wedding I was at last month. And I danced with my girlfriend.
When did you last make a mountain out of a molehill?
Patton Oswalt: November 3rd, 2004.
Post-Schwarzenegger, are there any high-profile people you'd like to see run for governor or other high office? Who and why?
Patton Oswalt: No one since Ol' Dirty Bastard died.
Apart from cheeseburgers, what is the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast?
Patton Oswalt: An anti-depressant.
You receive a series of e-mails stating that Grace Jones, Junior Brown, Missy Elliott, Ian MacKaye and Philip Glass are interested in a collaboration. How do you respond to each request? Yes, even if you're not a musician.
Patton Oswalt: Grace Jones: who are you again? Junior Brown: fuck yes. Missy Elliott: hollah. Ian MacKaye: fuck off, you twat. Philip Glass: nononononononononononono no no NO NO NO no no no no NO no.
Have you ever seen a ghost? Or a dead body? Tell us about it.
Patton Oswalt: Neither. Holy shit, I just realized that.
What was the last book you read and hated? Why did you hate it?
Patton Oswalt: My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist by Mark Leyner. Baby Jesus, please give that guy pee-cancer. Thank you. (I agree 100 percent. -- Ed.)
Let's assume that God is a DJ. What's on his playlist right now?
Patton Oswalt: Johnny Cash's The Man Comes Around on repeat.
Who was your favourite teacher in high school? Why?
Patton Oswalt: This silly old hose-bag who used the British spelling for "favorite".
What is your favorite Meg Ryan movie?
Patton Oswalt: Armed and Dangerous.
What is your favorite "comfort food" when you're on tour?
Patton Oswalt: A bag of pretzels, and a bag of peanuts. Pour the peanuts into the pretzel bag, shake them up, and then eat them, sipping a cold ginger ale.
What essential item are you most likely to leave at home when you're heading out on tour?
Patton Oswalt: My iPod charging cord.
What do you do about it?
Patton Oswalt: Mope when my iPod finally runs out of power.
You wake up one morning and discover that you have dolphin telepathy. What do you do with it?
Patton Oswalt: What don't I do with it? (Cue Journey's "Any Way You Want It", begin comedic montage)
What wouldn't Jesus do?
Patton Oswalt: Lip sync.
What's the deal with those goddamn racoons?
Patton Oswalt: Yeah, I know. It's fucking bullshit.
What is the most awkward moment in which you have caught a person adjusting, scratching, or otherwise handling his or her own genitals?
Patton Oswalt: During my last eye exam.
Where do you think Osama Bin Laden is hiding...
Patton Oswalt: Up my ass.
...And what would it take to get him to come out?
Patton Oswalt: A cookie!
You're sitting in a pub when an errant dart from the games area strikes you in the leg. With the dart pointing out of your body, do you pull it out, shout for help or attack the jackass who hit you?
Patton Oswalt: I coolly pull it out, sterilize the wound with a drop of 21 year-old port cask Balvenie on my fingertip, and toss the dart over-shoulder for a bullseye.
All of the old gods had really difficult names like Yog-Sothoth and Cthulu. Do you think they had a hard time getting laid because of it?
Patton Oswalt: "In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulu lies masturbating..."
What is the strangest thing you've ever had for breakfast?
Patton Oswalt: Sushi.
Which non-music related product (i.E. No instruments, microphones, etc.) would you most like to be a celebrity spokesperson for?
Patton Oswalt: Bakson's Homeopathic Hemorrhoid Remedy.
Describe the skankiest, sketchiest place -- whether it's someone's home or a hotel/motel room -- that you've stayed in while on tour.
Patton Oswalt: See the September 23rd entry on my website for an over-detailed answer to this question.
If you had an army of super-intelligent lab mice to do your bidding, what evil deeds would you have them do?
Patton Oswalt: Bring me the head of Avril Lavigne.
· · · · · · ·
Patton Oswalt recorded our favorite comedy album of 2004, Feelin' Kinda Patton. He also has a new Comedy Central special, No Reason to Complain, that includes a few gags that aren't on the album. He is, of course, a regular on TV's King of Queens, and can be seen in Blade: Trinity -- but don't go see it for him, because he's only in, like, four scenes, and doesn't say much that's funny before he gets killed. There, see, we just saved you nine bucks!
-- George Zahora
| 
