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Right now, with no advance notice, and for reasons we're not going to bother explaining, you must get rid of one album from your record collection. Which title gets the chop?
Stephen Howard: John Tesh's Live at Red Rocks.
Would you rather be anal probed by aliens or have a root canal without anaesthetics? Explain your choice.
Stephen Howard: I would rather have the anal probing because of the whole prostate thing.
Why does the wheel in the sky keep on turning?
Stephen Howard: I really don't know because I'm not sure if it's going up or down.
You've just been elected to the US senate (if you're not a US citizen, please either pretend you are or move forward on the assumption that you've taken a similar government-type position in your own country). What's on your agenda legislation-wise?
Stephen Howard: To repeal everything that's been done in the last three years.
If the moon were made of cheese, what kind of cheese would it be made of? Please explain your reasoning.
Stephen Howard: What do you mean if? Do you know something I don't?
You've just won a contest in which the prize is your "dream car". What make and model of car do you choose? (And no, you can't just take the money.)
Stephen Howard: I don't know the names of cars but you know that old one that looks really cool and old and shit? Yeah, I'll take that one.
You can go back in time and kill one person without disrupting the space/time continuum, creating a paradox and causing the universe to collapse upon itself. Who would it be?
Stephen Howard: If I say George W. Bush, does that put me on a watch list? Because that's not what I want. I'm just asking. It's not like I'm saying that's my answer at all...Did I answer the question?
As an experiment, you spend an entire day with a stick of butter duct-taped to your forehead. What do you learn?
Stephen Howard: That a stick of butter doesn't stay a stick of butter for very long when it's taped to your head.
What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
Stephen Howard: Drunk.
What is the coolest animal to watch a nature show about?
Stephen Howard: The funnel web spider from Australia.
What do you do now, as a result of widespread internet access, that you didn't do ten years ago?
Stephen Howard: Check college football recruiting.
Who did you last give flowers and why?
Stephen Howard: I think to my cat to see if he'd eat them.
The thong: instrument of social change or harbinger of dark times?
Stephen Howard: Instrument of social change.
The police have just nailed you for some kind of minor infraction. What were you most likely to have been doing?
Stephen Howard: Robbing a Walgreens of all their fentynal.
Would you shop at a supermarket run by ninjas? Why or why not?
Stephen Howard: Yes, because that would be the only place to get all my ninja gear.
What article (or articles) of clothing do you wish you never had to wear again? Why?
Stephen Howard: Underwear...I don't understand it.
Taking into account all current political, social and economic situations, which country would you most like to be and why?
Stephen Howard: Maybe Denmark, because they have a pretty clear past. Really, though, I'm up for anywhere that's not here.
Tell us about your weirdest experience with a fan.
Stephen Howard: This one time at this festival in Europe, this beautiful 17 year-old Belgian girl came up to me and started talking. Then, like later, we were really naked in my hotel room.
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk? If you're a non-drinker, please limit your self-righteous response to 25 words.
Stephen Howard: I couldn't make it home so I walked into my friend's apartment at about 4:00 a.m. I don't know why the door was open but it was. So I just get in bed with her. She's totally asleep so she doesn't even know I'm there. At some point in the night I decide I need to throw up but feel it's not necessary to do this outside of the bed. So I just throw up right there on both of us and go back to sleep. In the morning when she woke up she asked two questions very calmly. She said "Why are you in my bed?" and "Did you throw up on me?" It was great!
What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep?
Stephen Howard: Try and go to sleep.
What are your fellow band members' most irritating habits? If you have no fellow band members, what are your own most irritating habits?
Stephen Howard: It's really irritating when they talk to me and expect me to listen.
You're making a guest appearance as yourself in the TV show of your choice. What's the show, and how do you fit into the plot?
Stephen Howard: The Simpsons, and it doesn't matter how.
In three sentences or less, please give your opinion on the current state of the world.
Stephen Howard: Absolutely, completely horrible.
A national guardsman from Ohio recently changed his name to Optimus Prime, after the Transformer. If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?
Stephen Howard: Cadillac Lincoln.
We're considering lobbying the government to pass a law banning the use of certain overplayed words -- for example, "new", "flaming" and "electric" --in band names. What other words should be banned?
Stephen Howard: Axis of Evil, Roadmap, Evil Doers, Terror Alert.
Would you rather tour the world for a year, living out of hotels and minibuses, playing to sellout crowds but estranged from all meaningful interpersonal contact, or be crowned the next indie god(s) but be damned to a lifetime of college radio airplay, widespread obscurity and eventual golden years filled with soundtrack work?
Stephen Howard: How is a life of college radio airplay, widespread obscurity and eventual soundtrack work being damned? You just shot down the most realistic shot at some form of success that I've got.
What's the most un-rock and roll hobby or interest you have?
Stephen Howard: Checking college football recruiting.
What's the stupidest thing a reviewer ever said about you or your band?
Stephen Howard: That we were a Joan of Arc side project.
Which is a better reason for an r rating -- pointless, arbitrary violence or over-the-top kinky sex that has nothing to do with the story?
Stephen Howard: Well, I think arbitrary violence should be filtered much more than kinky sex, so the violence gets the R rating and the little kiddies get hard-ons.
Which would be worse -- going three rounds with Mike Tyson, or having sex with Anna Nicole Smith?
Stephen Howard: I'd have sex with Anna Nicole Smith and so would you.
What's in your fridge right now?
Stephen Howard: Nothing that's mine.
What advice would you give to Michael Jackson?
Stephen Howard: To just stop.
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Pinebender's first full-length for Lovitt Records is available now. The folks at Lovitt say that The High Price of Living Too Long With A Single Dream is eight tracks of hook-filled amplifier worship and strong-armed drumming at about fifty-eight beats per minute. We won't argue.
-- George Zahora
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