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Right now, with no advance notice, and for reasons we're not going to bother explaining, you must get rid of one album from your record collection. Which title gets the chop?
Chris Hansen: Bright Eyes' Fevers and Mirrors.
You wake up one morning and discover that you've grown two feet taller overnight. How does it affect your life?
Chris Hansen: My "Chris Hansen Has A Posse" stickers would make sense to others.
What three things must a town or city have in order for you to be able to live happily there?
Chris Hansen: Seasons, affordable rent, and a competent tattoo artist to brighten up the everyday folk.
What's more important: good music or good food? And why?
Chris Hansen: Good food. Specifically good chain Restaurants. You really know what expect from them. From King Kong burgers to sizzling fajita plates you can always count on the food being served after a deep fried onion with a tangy Southwestern or Tex-Mex sauce on the side.
Would you rather be anal probed by aliens or have a root canal without anaesthetics? Explain your choice.
Chris Hansen: I'll take the probing. My fear of sticking things up into my ass has kept me out of the lucrative drug mule profession for long enough.
Why does the wheel in the sky keep on turning?
Chris Hansen: Winter is here again, Oh Lord. Haven't been home in a year or more. I hope she holds on a little longer. Whoa. Sent a letter on a long summer day, made of silver not of clay-ee-ay. I've been running down this dusty road. I've been trying to make it home. Got to make it before too long. I can't take this very much longer. I'm stranded in the sleet and rain. Don't think I'm ever gonna make it home again. The mornin' sun is risin'. It's kissin' the day-ee-ay.
You've just been elected to the US senate (if you're not a us citizen, please either pretend you are or move forward on the assumption that you've taken a similar government-type position in your own country). What's on your agenda legislation-wise?
Chris Hansen: Getting non-violent drug offenders out of prison. Taxation on a sliding scale. Funding the public schools in cities. Making health insurance and quality healthcare available and affordable. Ending the death penalty. Giving the scientific community complete freedom in stem cell research. Decriminalizing pot. Creating centers to treat addiction to hard drugs. Make the Bush administration answer for the brilliant evil they're up to. And more pinko planks to be revealed later.
If the moon were made of cheese, what kind of cheese would it be made of? Please explain your reasoning.
Chris Hansen: Danish Blue Cheese, Vermont Cheddar or Dutch Smoked Gouda because they are my favorites and I'd like to apply a celestial quality to one or all of them.
You've just won a contest in which the prize is your "dream car". What make and model of car do you choose? (And no, you can't just take the money.)
Chris Hansen: A Volvo XC70. I like wagons.
You can go back in time and kill one person without disrupting the space/time continuum, creating a paradox and causing the universe to collapse upon itself. Who would it be?
Chris Hansen: Hmmmmm. So many deserve to die, but I'll go with Phil Hartman's wife on May 27, 1998.
As an experiment, you spend an entire day with a stick of butter duct-taped to your forehead. What do you learn?
Chris Hansen: Duct tape limits my expressive smile.
What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
Chris Hansen: At home with nothing to do and a stack of books, magazines and movies, or a full Saturday of college football, and ample cash for delivered food.
What is the coolest animal to watch a nature show about?
Chris Hansen: Elephants.
What do you do now, as a result of widespread internet access, that you didn't do ten years ago?
Chris Hansen: Participate in the auctioning of circular decks of playing cards.
Who did you last give flowers and why?
Chris Hansen: Kara Rose Selberis for her 26th birthday.
The police have just nailed you for some kind of minor infraction. What were you most likely to have been doing?
Chris Hansen: Shouting drunkenly about the unfairness of something of little consequence.
Would you shop at a supermarket run by ninjas? Why or why not?
Chris Hansen: Yes. Wouldn't ninjas sell really good food? You can't do that ninja shit eating Cheeto Puffs.
Taking into account all current political, social and economic situations, which country would you most like to be and why?
Chris Hansen: Having never been outside of the United States, I'd have to go with the United States because it's just way better than everywhere else.
When was the last time you had an entire day to yourself, and what did you do with it?
Chris Hansen: Read the newspaper. Took a walk up to a movie theater, watched a blockbuster, and consumed a "Super Combo". Cleaned the apartment and listened to records. Played my guitar. Probably.
Ever written a letter to the editor? What publication, and on what subject?
Chris Hansen: I have started many. I end up asking myself if it has really come to that and I junk it.
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk? If you're a non-drinker, please limit your self-righteous response to 25 words.
Chris Hansen: Lots of candidates. I would have to endorse the time I became unbalanced by a burrito in my left hand and did a spinsie into a spillsie and went ass first through the glass top of my coffee table.
What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep?
Chris Hansen: Develop screenplays.
What are your fellow band members' most irritating habits? If you have no fellow band members, what are your own most irritating habits?
Chris Hansen: Bad table manners.
You're making a guest appearance as yourself in the TV show of your choice. What's the show, and how do you fit into the plot?
Chris Hansen: I replace Rick on Magnum P.I. I run the Club. I ask favors of Icepick and refuse favors to Thomas Magnum. I serve drinks from a blender garnished with fruits and umbrellas.
In three sentences or less, please give your opinion on the current state of the world.
Chris Hansen: Hard times coming down.
A national guardsman from Ohio recently changed his name to Optimus Prime, after the Transformer. If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?
Chris Hansen: Henry.
We're considering lobbying the government to pass a law banning the use of certain overplayed words -- for example, "new", "flaming" and "electric" --in band names. What other words should be banned?
Chris Hansen: Eyes. Ghost. _____ing _____.
What's the most un-rock and roll hobby or interest you have?
Chris Hansen: I like Crate and Barrel. I like glassware.
What's the stupidest thing a reviewer ever said about you or your band?
Chris Hansen: "The music hints at more than it does."
Which is a better reason for an r rating -- pointless, arbitrary violence or over-the-top kinky sex that has nothing to do with the story?
Chris Hansen: Pointless, arbitrary violence.
Which would be worse -- going three rounds with Mike Tyson, or having sex with Anna Nicole Smith?
Chris Hansen: Three with the champ.
What's in your fridge right now?
Chris Hansen: Orange juice, the Britta, brown eggs, wheat bread, half an onion, tomatoes, carrots, red pepper, pickles, some co-jack cheese, cans of La Croix, condiments, milk, silk, and unsalted butter.
What advice would you give to Michael Jackson?
Chris Hansen: Go meet your brother Jermaine's son Jermajesty.
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Pinebender seem to be keeping a low profile at present. They may tour soon. They may not. They may write new songs. Nobody knows.
-- George Zahora
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