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You can choose to have one -- and only one -- super power. Other than gaining that power, you remain exactly the same as you are now. What super power would you pick, and why?
Joshua Blanchard: Mind control, for many obvious reasons.
What was your favorite day job, and why? If you hated them all, what was the best (meaning most interesting) way you ever quit a job?
Joshua Blanchard: I worked at a funeral home for over a year taking care of the grounds and
cremating bodies. The first body I had to burn was a 300 pound bald man who looked
a lot like Tor Johnson, the giant zombie from Plan 9 from Outer Space.
Summarize your driving ability in 25 words or less.
Joshua Blanchard: I do what I want.
What is the function of your music in a capitalist society?
Joshua Blanchard: Negativity sells!
You've just entered a contest in which the prize is an MP3 player loaded with the complete, exhaustive recorded output of any artist you choose. You win. Who do you choose?
Joshua Blanchard: Can.
What are you carrying on your person -- in your pockets, purse, et cetera -- right now?
Joshua Blanchard: Three dollars and a bottle of Night Train.
You're on tour, you're in an unfamiliar city, you haven't eaten in 24 hours, and due to some poor financial decisions, you have only a single unit of the local currency -- one dollar, one pound, or thereabouts. What do you eat?
Joshua Blanchard: Uh, ramen. Duh.
What was the last song you danced to? Who, if anyone, did you dance with?
Joshua Blanchard: "Alone again or" by Love. I danced with my woman in the bathroom.
When did you last make a mountain out of a molehill?
Joshua Blanchard: Today, and the day before and the day before...
Apart from cheeseburgers, what is the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast?
Joshua Blanchard: An Emergen-C fizzy health drink helps kill the pain of the inevitable hangover that greets
me every morning.
You receive a series of e-mails stating that Grace Jones, Junior Brown, Missy Elliott, Ian MacKaye and Philip Glass are interested in a collaboration. How do you respond to each request?
Joshua Blanchard: Grace Jones: Wow, I shot your ass down in the Goldeneye video game like, 10,000 times.
Junior Brown: Who are you again?
Ian MacKaye: Alright, you bring the whiskey, I'll bring the acid.
Missy Elliot: Only if Timbaland comes along.
Phillip Glass: Do you have Steve Reich's phone number?
Have you ever seen a ghost? Or a dead body? Tell us about it.
Joshua Blanchard: Well, I've seen probably 50 dead bodies as I used to work in a funeral
home. I saw ghosts when I was about 10. I was at church camp and saw red and
blue streaks with faces who were swirling around and moaning a list of
my sins, all to the background music of Def Leppard. I also threw up and got
a concussion that night.
Everyone can do at least a couple of decent imitations -- of celebrities, maybe, or associates, friends and family. Who can you "do"?
Joshua Blanchard: I'm kind of good at repeating animal sounds, like with birds or my cats.
What was the last book you read and hated? Why did you hate it?
Joshua Blanchard: I only bother to read books I know I'll like.
Let's assume that god is a DJ. What's on his playlist right now?
Joshua Blanchard: Probably some kind of Windham Hill sampler.
Who was your favourite teacher in high school? Why?
Joshua Blanchard: Mr Liester. He was a middle aged literature professor who wore
turtlenecks and leather elbow patches on his tweed sportscoats. He would
give me a hallpass so I could go fuck around during his class every day but he
was soon fired for propositioning one of the female students in my class.
What is your favorite Meg Ryan movie?
Joshua Blanchard: Cecil B Demented.
What is your favorite "comfort food" when you're on tour?
Joshua Blanchard: Bagels.
Tell us about the least likely place you ever sent a CD/demo. Why did you send it? What happened?
Joshua Blanchard: Skin Graft records. We got signed.
What essential item are you most likely to leave at home when you're heading out on tour? What do you do about it?
Joshua Blanchard: A towel. I secretly soil the towels of the people kind enough to put us
up for the night.
Aliens have just landed, and you get to select the earth's goodwill ambassador. Who do you pick, and why?
Joshua Blanchard: Jimmy Carter of course. The man is the only American president respected
by the rest of the world. The whole world would become solar powered
and we'd all eat a steady diet of peanuts. Good times!
You wake up one morning and discover that you have dolphin telepathy. What do you do with it?
Joshua Blanchard: Dolphin BJs, baby!
You've just been hit in the face with a large chocolate cream pie. How do you react?
Joshua Blanchard: I would be stoked and eat the remainder of the pie.
Assuming that you must choose one, which would you rather listen to for an hour: Christian rock, mainstream country or Jessica Simpson?
Joshua Blanchard: Christian rock. Stryper, baby!
What's the deal with those damn raccoons?
Joshua Blanchard: I'm not at liberty to answer that question.
What is the most awkward moment in which you have caught a person adjusting, scratching, or otherwise handling his or her own genitals?
Joshua Blanchard: Uh, that would be myself when my parents caught me masturbating in
the back seat of the car in Yellowstone.
Where do you think Osama Bin Laden is hiding and what would it take to get him to come out?
Joshua Blanchard: He's "hiding" in a plush US resort prison and he'll "come out" about two
weeks before the upcoming presidential election.
You're sitting in a pub when an errant dart from the games area strikes you in the leg. With the dart pointing out of your body, do you pull it out, shout for help or attack the jackass who hit you?
Joshua Blanchard: I would make him buy me and my posse a round of drinks and call it even.
What would you consider to be the worst fate imaginable for your music, and which contemporary artist would you most wish this terrible end upon?
Joshua Blanchard: Being an of the moment "fashion band" for a short while, then completely discarded
and mocked soon after. I would wish this on Glass Candy but I don't think I have to bother.
What is sexy?
Joshua Blanchard: Attractive women with some kind of disfigurement (i.e.: scars, burns, cleft
lip, etc.).
Which reality TV game show could you see yourself as a winning contestant on? Explain.
Joshua Blanchard: What's that show where the dudes wear the masks and court a single girl? I want to be on that show. Either that or that plastic surgery show.
What is the strangest thing you've ever had for breakfast?
Joshua Blanchard: A bong hit and nothing else every morning for about five years.
Which non-music related product (i.e. -- no instruments, microphones, etc.) would you most like to be a celebrity spokesperson for?
Joshua Blanchard: Either Jagermeister or the Final Fantasy video game franchise.
Describe the skankiest, sketchiest place -- whether it's someone's home or a hotel/motel room -- that you've stayed in while on tour.
Joshua Blanchard: Probably a house in California where we were assured, "Don't worry, those bugs are all dead."
If you had an army of super-intelligent lab mice to do your bidding, what evil deeds would you have them do?
Joshua Blanchard: See the dolphin question.
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Point Line Plane's Smoke Signals, their first album for Skin Graft Records, came out a couple of weeks ago. It's well worth checking out (watch for a review in Splendid soon).
-- George Zahora
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