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Right now, with no advance notice, and for reasons we're not going to bother explaining, you must get rid of one album from your record collection. Which title gets the chop?
Porter Harp: Easy. My Sergeant Pepper's CD. A friend of mine just loaned me an original mono vinyl copy that spanks the pants off the stereo version.
You wake up one morning and discover that you've grown two feet taller overnight. How does it affect your life?
Porter Harp: Suddenly people take me quite seriously and realize that I am truly management material. Hence, I am promoted to assistant manager at Dick's Burgers and given the keys to the company Vega.
What three things must a town or city have in order for you to be able to live happily there?
Porter Harp: An Office Depot, a 7/11 with an ample supply of PBR and a well-stocked vintage guitar store.
Would you rather be anal probed by aliens or have a root canal without anesthetic? Explain your choice.
Porter Harp: Would the aliens use a nice lubricant?
Why does the wheel in the sky keep on turning?
Porter Harp: Elvis relieved Hendrix in '77, who then passed the job on to Mick Ronson for a short period in '93 until Kurt applied for the post in '94. Sadly, I believe Kurt was thinking Keith would be along shortly to relieve him.
You've just been elected to the US senate (if you're not a US citizen, please either pretend you are or move forward on the assumption that you've taken a similar government-type position in your own country). What's on your agenda legislation-wise?
Porter Harp: A tofu chicken in every pot, a hydrogen-fueled Ford in every garage, a new policy of "inclusion vs exclusion" regarding our foreign agenda and immediate emancipation for all non-violent drug offenders.
If the moon were made of cheese, what kind of cheese would it be made of? Please explain your reasoning.
Porter Harp: The stinkiest blue you can imagine, so we could all enjoy the comedic efforts of the French to get there to start mining operations.
You've just won a contest in which the prize is your "dream car". What make and model of car do you choose? (And no, you can't just take the money.)
Porter Harp: A minty mint DeLorean modified with a time-traveling flux capacitor.
You can go back in time and kill one person without disrupting the space/time continuum, creating a paradox and causing the universe to collapse upon itself. Who would it be?
Porter Harp: The man who figured out that manipulating nicotine levels in tobacco would keep us all coming back for more.
As an experiment, you spend an entire day with a stick of butter duct-taped to your forehead. What do you learn?
Porter Harp: Although the butter doesn't make my forehead any greasier than it already is, I am suddenly able to find movie dates with great ease.
What's the best way to spend a rainy day?
Porter Harp: Couch, a cold PBR and baseball on TV.
What is the coolest animal to watch a nature show about?
Porter Harp: Monkeys. We may have evolved from these guys, but where did all of our self-inflicted inhibitions come from?
What do you do now, as a result of widespread internet access, that you didn't do ten years ago?
Porter Harp: My computer makes me feel, uhm, er, sexy. (Oh, yeah)
The thong: instrument of social change or harbinger of dark times?
Porter Harp: Dark times. Thongs have ruined the whole point of nice lingerie. Curse you, Britney!
The police have just nailed you for some kind of minor infraction. What were you most likely to have been doing?
Porter Harp: Drunken skinny-dipping in the pool of the Ramada on South Beach at 4:30 in the morning (this just happened last week, and Miami's finest were quite rude about it, too).
Would you shop at a supermarket run by ninjas? Why or why not?
Porter Harp: I always enjoy a good rush of adrenaline. Nothing helps you keep your perspective like finding yourself on the receiving end of a hearty roundhouse to the neck.
What article (or articles) of clothing do you wish you never had to wear again? Why?
Porter Harp: My Castanza Manzier (aka "The Bro"). Gawd does it chafe.
Taking into account all current political, social and economic situations, which country would you most like to be and why?
Porter Harp: Canada. Canada is essentially an annex of America, but waaaay less stupid.
Tell us about your weirdest experience with a fan.
Porter Harp: Hearing someone cover one of your tunes. There is no higher compliment.
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done while drunk? If you're a non-drinker, please limit your self-righteous response to 25 words.
Porter Harp: Nude wrestling in the ocean with pals. This episode was quite platonic, mind you, but apparently some weirdo was videotaping the whole incident. And thanks to the magic of the Internet, I'm pretty sure I'm a porn star now.
What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep?
Porter Harp: Remembering my favorite Martha Stewart Living episode, followed by a nice long, leisurely wank.
What are your fellow band members' most irritating habits? If you have no fellow band members, what are your own most irritating habits?
Porter Harp: I am bossy. Hence, they call me the Colonel.
You're making a guest appearance as yourself in the TV show of your choice. What's the show, and how do you fit into the plot?
Porter Harp: The West Wing. I'm Zoey's new rock and roll boyfriend, and President Bartlet and Charlie team up to have me "disappeared".
In three sentences or less, please give your opinion on the current state of the world.
Porter Harp: Rocketing towards Armageddon at an exponentially increasing pace. The four horsemen of the Apocalypse = Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and Perle. Dubya may be the face of death, but he has no idea how dangerous he truly is.
A national guardsman from Ohio recently changed his name to Optimus Prime, after the Transformer. If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?
Porter Harp: Colonel Bukowski (My nickname coupled with the surname of the late great Charles Bukowski).
We're considering lobbying the government to pass a law banning the use of certain overplayed words -- for example, "new", "flaming" and "electric" -- in band names. What other words should be banned?
Porter Harp: "Super" and "Dread".
Would you rather tour the world for a year, living out of hotels and minibuses, playing to sellout crowds but estranged from all meaningful interpersonal contact, or be crowned the next indie god(s) but be damned to a lifetime of college radio airplay, widespread obscurity and eventual golden years filled with soundtrack work?
Porter Harp: I'm way too old to live like Ozzy.
What's the most un-rock and roll hobby or interest you have?
Porter Harp: Baseball.
What's the stupidest thing a reviewer ever said about you or your band?
Porter Harp: Trying to dis us by saying we reminded him of the Allman Brothers -- and that's bad how?
Some of us have side gigs bartending. Help us out by making up a drink that we can name after you and sell to under-aged girls in midriff tee-shirts.
Porter Harp: "The Filthy Old Man Panty Dropper" -- Jager or any cheap whiskey will do.
Which is a better reason for an R rating -- pointless, arbitrary violence or over-the-top kinky sex that has nothing to do with the story?
Porter Harp: Sex. Duh.
Which would be worse -- going three rounds with Mike Tyson, or having sex with Anna Nicole Smith?
Porter Harp: I'll take Tyson. I gots me some waaay sharp teeth.
What's in your fridge right now?
Porter Harp: My latest science experiment. I'm growing a cure for male pattern baldness.
What advice would you give to Michael Jackson?
Porter Harp: For the love of gawd, please just stop.
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From Porter Harp's bio (none of the hyperbole is ours):
Seattle-based singer/songwriter/guitar player Porter Harp assembled an all-star line up of his criminally talented musician pals for this remarkable "solo" debut; friends he's collaborated with in various bands and projects for the last 10 years, including: Jim Roth (the Delusions, Built to Spill), Tim Fekete (the Delusions), Jeff Baars (Mike Johnson's live band), Anne Marie Ruljancich (Jesse Sykes & the Sweet Hereafter, the Walkabouts), and Dave Keppel (the Delusions, Lazy). The resulting magic of this unique synthesis transports the listener through a psychedelic weave of atmospheric, Americana-inspired space rock warmly wrapped in the hazy cloud of a late night, whiskey-mellowed, Crazy Horse-style jam session.
-- George Zahora
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