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What band did you listen to most during the eighties? Do you still like
them?
Dan Lydersen: Weird Al. No, no, no.
What is your worst memory of elementary school? Of high school?
Dan Lydersen: Elementary school: Peeing in my pants in kindergarten. High School: Peeing in my pants at graduation.
You're about to -- ahem -- get lucky. What album is playing in the
background? Why'd you choose it?
Dan Lydersen: Rachel's Music For Egon Schiele, because it's just damn beautiful music.
What was the first thing you ever shoplifted? Why did you take it?
Dan Lydersen: I stole a pair of black and white plastic scissors from my kindergarten
classroom because I thought they were cooler than all the colored ones. My
mom caught me and made me take them back, though.
If you could beat up anyone in the world and get away without the usual
annoying real-world consequences -- jail time, lawsuits, bad press, etc. --
who would it be, and why?
Dan Lydersen: Whoever invented plug-in air fresheners. And that guy in that crappy band
that for some reason everybody seems to like.
What's the biggest risk you've ever taken? Why did you take it?
Dan Lydersen: When I was twelve my sister was in the Olympic trials, and brought me back a
hat that said "Olympic trials" on it. I was rollerblading on the wrong side
of the tracks and some gang-bangers stopped my and pointed to my hat and said
"Yo, what team is that?", and I said "It's not a team, it's a hat". They
pointed to another guy down the block and said, "You know who that is? That's
the Asian Kane. If you don't give him your hat he'll bust a cap up in yo'
head." I didn't give them my hat.
It's better to regret something you have done than it is to regret
something you haven't done. What do you regret doing (other than
agreeing to answer these questions)? Why did you do it?
Dan Lydersen: The only thing worse than regretting something you haven't done is
regretting something you don't remember doing, but have been told about the
next day by your friends.
Did you go to your high school prom? If so, who did you go with?
Dan Lydersen: No. I met everyone at the hotel afterwards and got drunk with them, though.
What movie would you recommend to absolutely anyone? Why?
Dan Lydersen: Fantastic Planet. French animation from the '70s.
For reasons we won't bother going into right now, you're going to be locked
in the back of a truck for a sixteen hour drive between gigs. If you could
have any musician, past or present, back there to keep you company, who
would it be?
Dan Lydersen: What, you mean like going on tour? Anyone who won't complain about the heat
or the smell of my dirty clothes. So not Justin Pinkerton.
What is your strongest, most unshakeable belief?
Dan Lydersen: "We're all gonna be fucking dead soon anyway, so don't get too attached."
What's the worst band you've ever heard? Why do they suck?
Dan Lydersen: There's about a hundred that come to mind as equally sucky bands, but I
guess saying Creed is appropriate for the moment. And if you don't know why
Creed sucks, than you're next in line after the person who invented plug-in
air fresheners.
If you were a porn star, what would your "porn name" be?
Dan Lydersen: Howie Staff.
You're on your way to a show, and all of a sudden you find yourself in the
middle of a huge four-way battle between pirates, ninjas, robots and
intelligent apes from the future. Your only hope of getting to your gig is
to pick a side. Who do you join, and why?
Dan Lydersen: Definitely pirates. Demographics have shown that they buy the most merch at
shows.
If you could sponsor any beverage -- appear in their ads, receive a
lifetime supply and never be seen drinking a competing product -- what
beverage would it be?
Dan Lydersen: Water.
What's the best venue you've ever played? What's the worst? Why?
Dan Lydersen: Best: The Van Duzer Theatre, in Arcada, California, of all places. They paid
us well, loaded our equipment for us and gave us a dressing room full of
expensive cheese. Worst: Some fucking place in Olympia, Washington. What a bunch pretentious
fucks.
What's wrong with Rolling Stone these days?
Dan Lydersen: Old, boring and not nearly as cool as they and their followers think they
are. That goes for the magazine and the band.
Why are frogs amusing?
Dan Lydersen: I don't know. If you can't laugh at a frog, what can you laugh at? Aside
from star-nosed moles and wombats, of course.
The US government is considering far more aggressive regulation of leather
pants. Under the new rules, who should or shouldn't be allowed to wear
them?
Dan Lydersen: Anybody who isn't a damn cow.
What, in your opinion, is the best porn?
Dan Lydersen: Soft. You've got to have it soft.
What food item could you eat every day for the rest of your life without
getting bored of it? What's so good about it?
Dan Lydersen: Hey, wait. What the hell does this have to do with being in a band? Is this
a marketing research scam? Ok, two can play at that game... I would eat
Roots-of-Orchis for the rest of my life because they are a great band and you
should go to their shows and buy all of their records.
Will the next star wars movie suck? Why or why not?
Dan Lydersen: Yes. Of course. George Lucas is about as interesting as Barney the Dinosaur.
And put Jar-Jar-Binks in front of the line before the person who invented
plug-in air fresheners.
How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?
Dan Lydersen: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Everyone's replacing their least-favorite body parts with cybernetic
replacements. Which part(s) of your body would you replace?
Dan Lydersen: I told you, damn it. I'm on the pirates' side.
What topics or statements would inspire you to call in to a talk radio
program?
Dan Lydersen: Oh, you know, third world politics -- you want to buy Roots of Orchis records
-- the Enron scandal -- you will buy Roots of Orchis records -- global warming,
things like that.
What album(s) should everyone be given on their eighteenth birthday?
Dan Lydersen: Oh, that's too easy. I'll play fair on this one. Gastr Del Sol's Camofleur,
Tom Waits' Swordfishtrombone, Art Blakey and the Jazz Messengers' Freedom
Rider, Rachel's' Sea and Bells, The Lonesome Organist's Collector of
Cactus Echo Bags and something by John Fahey.
And finally...What question should we ask in the next round of Pointless
Questions?
Dan Lydersen: What kind of idiot would actually make it all the way through this
stupid-ass interview?
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Roots of Orchis released their third full-length, Some Things Plural, a few months ago. We're not sure why we didn't review it, other than the fact that their label didn't send it to us, but hopefully that won't happen next time.
-- George Zahora
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