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Due to poor financial planning, you've got to eat for an entire week on only US$10. What do you buy, food-wise?
Jared: Well, Taco Bell bean burritos are cheap. And as long as we're on the road, people give us a lot of food. I'm pretty sure it would be some form of beans and tortillas or peanut better, jelly and bread. I could survive off that stuff. I've actually probably spent somewhere around $10 for most of the beginning of this tour just from getting free food from people who put us up or from Atomic's (drummer) stash in the van.
Atomic: Potatoes, bread, rice. Things that are cheap and healthy.
What's the biggest misconception that people have about you?
Jared: Probably that I'm hard to talk to or an elitist asshole. Especially in my hometown of Peoria, IL. I've been in the music scene there for over a decade now, running shows, a label, and playing in bands. A lot kids will see me show after show after show and it'll take me a long time to pick up on it. It's also a very young scene, with the majority of kids being in high school, so it can get hard for me to keep up as the crowds rotate from year to year. I also tend to talk a lot about the negative aspects of bands or what they're not pulling off, but I don't mean it in a bad way. I just analyze music like that so I can get better and offer good advice to my friends' bands. I actually like a wide variety of music, from rock to punk to metal to country to blues to the occasional jazz, or even easy listening, depending on the mood. When you're listening music all the time every day, you've got to mix it up.
Atomic: My age, because I am older than I look, and my self confidence. I am pretty tough on myself.
What's the worst injury you've ever suffered for your art (i.e. second degree burns from shorted-out mic, broken leg from failed stage dive)? Tell us about it.
Jared: I jumped over wooden pedestal once during finals week in college and landed face first on concrete. A bunch of us were up making art (visual art, but hey, oh well) at 3:00 a.m. and got bored. I immediately noticed I had split my chin open and would have to go get stitches. Then my leg started shaking a whole lot. It turned out that I had fractured my knee and also needed stitches. My dad came out and made fun of me with my friends in the waiting room. Oh, and while getting stitches I just kept talking to the doctor about playing in a rock band. Her brother was in a band, I guess.
Atomic: I was playing outside on a cold day and the tip of my middle finger turned green from lack of blood flow.
You've got unlimited funding and technical expertise to make an IMAX movie on the topic of your choice. What do you choose? Describe the obligatory vertigo-inducing camera shot that makes the entire audience clutch their stomachs.
Atomic: I'd make something inane like walking around a house and falling down an impossible amount of stairs.
You've locked your car keys inside the tour van and don't have AAA. How do you get the door open?
Jared: First, I get really frustrated and annoyed. Then I end up calling the police and see if they'll open the car for free. We're a fairly "legal" band, so we don't mind police saving us some cash. If the local police won't do it, we start asking locals or tour mates for wire coathangers to see if we can break into the van ourselves. We usually fail at this, but not always. And of course, the last resort is paying a locksmith.
Ever find useful stuff in the garbage? Describe your best-ever dumpster find and how you used it.
Atomic: I found an old oscilloscope and used it as a staged prop.
Jared: My best ever dumpster find was a bunch of vegetables just thrown out at the grocery store. We took them back to the house, washed them, cut off the bad spots, and cooked up an amazing (and fattening) meal for us and the touring bands that were in town that night. And trust me, it was very edible. My comic artist friend in Chicago (Grant Reynolds) is always finding cool stuff in alleys, like bookcases, driver's licenses, Polaroids and personal notes. He recently acquired an awesome lamp made from moose legs. It's the most incredibly tacky lamp I've ever seen.
In the UK, trying to kill the Queen is still technically a capital offence. If the Queen tried to commit suicide and failed, could she be sentenced to death? Explain.
Atomic: No! The Queen is still the top of the government. She can basically do what she wants. Plus, she has the power to cover it up.
You've decided to write a musical. What's it about and who's the star?
Atomic: Tough guy hardcore. It would star that dude from the movie The Birdcage, the dudes from Monty Python, and the dudes from Spinal Tap.
What's your favorite board game? Why do you like it?
Atomic: (1) Sorry, because it's easy and quick. (2) Risk, because I will destroy you!
Everyone likes at least one cheesy/crappy song that totally kills their cred. What's yours?
Jared: (1) Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone". Seriously, which amazing indie pop band did she cover to make this song! And the guitar breaks are so huge sounding, I'd swear the Yeah Yeah Yeahs were involved. (2) Fallout Boy's "Sugar, I'm Going Down". Okay, these guys are really ugly for how popular they are. This makes me like them. But what are the words this guy's stumbling over in the chorus? All I know is "cock it and pull it." Still, it's one fine pop song, like "Hey Ya". (3) Brand New's "Sig Transit Gloria". Their band name is Brand New. Are these guys on Drive Thru?
The standard touring vehicle is always a beat-up van. What has been the worst/weirdest method of conveyance you've had to use on a tour?
Atomic: '90s Ford "Crew Cab".
Jared: The very first Scouts Honor tour was back in 2002 and featured two acoustic guitars and yelling vocals. It was me and Dustin Addis (of Victory Records' The Forecast) and we were touring in a Ford Aspire with a luggage topper on it. The topper was almost as big as the car and we could barely do the speed limit on the interstate due to the wind resistance. We did the entire West Coast tour in that (including a run of show Planes Mistaken for Stars and a run with Ten Grand).
What was the best meal you were supplied by a tour venue? What was the worst?
Atomic: Anything at Eleven 11 in Billings, MT for the best. The worst is not having food.
Jared: The best meal ever on tour was a sandwich and a chocolate milkshake from Red Rooster Coffeehouse in Aberdeen, SD. The milkshake was amazing. The worst meal I ever had was reheated vegan "stuffing" at a punk house in Wisconsin. All of the dishes were dirty and our host served it with his unwashed fingers. I still ate it. I was hungry and poor.
Will it ever truly be possible to "rock the vote", or will apathy, indifference and laziness always triumph over activism?
Jared: You can make anything cool if it's true and heartfelt. I think if our youth truly identified with one candidate over another, they would vote. The problem is that a lot of youth see the Democrats and Republicans as the same party with different publicists (possibly rightfully so).
Atomic: It's becoming less possible, since a large, unified, and rebellious rock audience hasn't been around since the early '70s.
You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about. What would you like to cry about?
Atomic: I'd be overwhelmed with happiness.
If you could watch one historical event re-enacted by a cast of chimpanzees, which one would it be, and why?
Jared: I can't remember the name of it, but I'd like to see that porn where a chick does 500 guys in one sitting. Monkeys like to do it.
Atomic: The 2000 election -- or wait, a chimp won for real!
What is the most unusual item you've thrown up on/in?
Jared: The dog bed that I didn't remember passing out in after partying with some friends in Minneapolis. Jägermeister is the devil.
You've been asked to submit an anecdote or "tip" to a book called Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned On Tour With My Band. What do you tell them?
Atomic: It's not where you're at, it's who you're with.
Jared: Patience and loyalty above all else. Keep with those you came in with. Don't fuck a strange girl without a condom.
What basic freedoms are you prepared to give up in exchange for your and your family's safety?
Atomic: None! Basic freedoms are not negotiable.
Due to a breakthrough in technology, it's possible to learn any skill, no matter how complex, pretty much instantly, by uploading the information directly into your brain (yes, like in The Matrix). Unfortunately, you can only do it once. What skill would you learn, and why?
Atomic: I'd learn how to build hot rods and fix cars, because I want to build hot rods and don't like driving cars that could die at any time.
Not to be morbid, but let's assume that (a) you've died, and (b) you filled out an organ donor card and potential recipients are lining up. Which part of your body do you think will be most sought-after? Are there any bits no-one will want?
Atomic: I don't trust my body.
A long-lost possession has turned up on Ebay, and you're prepared to pay much more than it's worth just to finally get it back. What is it? Why is it worth so much to you?
Jared: Love.
You've been given the resources and financial backing to create a new satellite TV network that caters specifically to your tastes and the tastes of people like you. What's it called, and what does it show?
Atomic: "The Hot Rod Rock And Roll Beach Party" It would have dirt track racing, hot rod shows, rock movies, rock documentaries, and videos of hillbilly, surf, garage rock, and classic rock.
Jared: "Jared's TV Station" It would be all music documentaries with music news in the breaks.
There are literally hundreds of euphemisms for masturbation. What's the best one you've heard?
Atomic: For a girl, "Listening to the Murmurs".
Jared: Marinade my steak.
Which is worse: downloading an album and burning copies for five friends, or shoplifting one physical copy of the same CD from an overpriced national retailer? Explain your answer.
Atomic: Shoplifting, because I like album art and liner notes. Burnt copies are like trials so I can decide what is worth buying.
A few years ago, anal sex was still taboo; nowadays it's trendy. What will be the next major sexual taboo to fall?
Atomic: S&M?
Jared: Bestiality. Ladies love the dog dick. Haha.
What, in your opinion, is the best book ever written? And why?
Atomic: The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut. It's the only non-rock book I've ever read.
Jared: If I Die In A Combat Zone, Box Me Up And Ship Me Home. It's an amazing look at Vietnam from a person I can truly identify with.
The USA needs a universal healthcare system. So far, no President has gotten anywhere near implementing one. Why do you think they keep failing? (Bonus: Outline your own plan for universal healthcare in 100 words or less.)
Atomic: America hates commies. Socialism looks like communism to us in general. You can sneak social security and unions under our noses, but "free" health care is a hugely obvious socialist idea. Therefore, it is a step toward ultimate communist takeover! And, of course, the medical and insurance special interest groups finance campaigns.
Right this very second, what are you most looking forward to, and why?
Atomic: Going home, seeing my family, sleeping in my bed, and listening to my records.
Jared: I'm looking forward to getting a decent record deal with a booking agent, manager and publicist. This stuff is hard work!
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Scouts Honor's latest full-length, Roots in Gasoline, dropped early in 2005. They just released a seven-inch single of "Remembrance of This That I Loved".
-- George Zahora
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