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You've been given a robot that can be trained to perform one
standardized task perfectly, as often as necessary. What do you
train it to do?
Akiko Carver: Pick up my dog's shit.
You are seriously ill. There are two vaccines that will save your
life, but both have side effects: one will permanently eliminate
your sense of taste, and the other will permanently eliminate all
feeling in your genitals. Which vaccine would you choose?
Akiko Carver: The one that eliminates feelings in the genitals. Sex sucks without fried chicken and cheesecake.
The "fast-forward" and "skip" buttons on all your stereo equipment
are broken, and you can't afford to repair them right now. For the
time being, you can only listen to albums from beginning to end,
without skipping any songs. What albums in your collection are
still listenable?
Akiko Carver: Probably just the Jimi Hendrix, Cyndi Lauper, Prince and Nina Simone ones.
You've been given the chance to spend the day with a
character (not an actor) from any film or television program. Who
do you choose?
Akiko Carver: Encino Man.
If you could instantly learn to play one instrument that you don't
currently play, what would it be?
Akiko Carver: A mandolin.
The people of the town where you were born want to name a building
after you. They've asked you to choose the sort of building that
best matches your personality. What kind of building do you choose?
Akiko Carver: A Taco Bell.
What animal would you most like to house in your back yard, if you could?
Akiko Carver: An elephant.
When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Akiko Carver: Either a pediatrician or someone with a pink and yellow house.
If you could buy any rare collection in the world, which collection
would you choose? (This doesn't have to be a famous
collection...but it can be.)
Akiko Carver: The Pez dispensers collection.
What's the best advice you've ever received? Who gave it to you?
Akiko Carver: "Just lie about what you know how to do. No one else knows how to do it anyway so they can't tell the difference." My best friend told me this about getting computer jobs.
You've been invited to perform as the middle act in a three-act
bill. You get to choose the other two artists. Who opens for you,
and who follows you?
Akiko Carver: Whitney Houston opens, and the Sun Ra Arkestra headlines.
You've been placed in the Witness Protection Program, and must
change your name. You're able to pick your new name. What do you
call yourself?
Akiko Carver: Marybell O'Queef.
What lesson should the world learn from the failure of all those
dotcom businesses?
Akiko Carver: If by chance you find that venture capitalists and the general public will invest in your cockamamie business scheme, don't buy overpriced real estate and destroy a nice town like San Francisco. Instead, build an underground fallout shelter filled with gold like Bill Gates. Duh.
What steps should airlines take to help avoid a repeat of the
September 11th tragedy?
Akiko Carver: Chain lions and alligators to every cockpit door.
What is the greatest invention of the last ten years?
Akiko Carver: The George Foreman grill.
What toy from your childhood would you most like to track down now?
Akiko Carver: My Little Twin Stars suitcase that transformed into a dollhouse.
Assuming that money, legality, etc. is no object, what is your
intoxicant of choice?
Akiko Carver: Candyflips -- ecstasy with acid. Yay!
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Semiautomatic's third release, Resident Genius, is now in stores. According to our own Melissa Morris, "If you're up for a little dancing, a little rock 'n roll and a little bit of politics, it'll cover all your bases."
-- George Zahora
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