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What band did you listen to most during the eighties? Do you still like them?
Nick Sakes: Probably Wire. I still listen to the "holy trinity" of 154, Chairs Missing and Pink Flag, but I don't like much else the band has done since then.
What is your worst memory of elementary school? Of high school?
Nick Sakes: Elementary school: wetting my pants in second grade and trying to hide it all day with my jacket tied around my waist. High school: smoking pot (and getting very stoned) and then taking my algebra final and flunking it miserably. I ended up with a D in the class. Not very bad memories, I suppose.
You're about to -- ahem -- get lucky. What album is playing in the background? Why'd you choose it?
Nick Sakes: I never have listened to music during sex. I know if I did, it would be something without vocals. That would be creepy. Maybe Miles Davis's Sketches Of Spain, if I had to choose. I've been with the same woman for the last 12 years. I am lucky.
What was the first thing you ever shoplifted? Why did you take it?
Nick Sakes: A Tiger salamander. Me and my delinquent friends used to sneak into various buildings at the University Of Missouri when I lived in Columbia, MO back in 1969. One day we discovered the biology department and saw they had some tanks out in the hall filled with a whole lotta salamanders. I was way into reptiles and amphibians when I was little. A wee herpetologist was I. A Tiger Salamander was a huge prize for me. A day later I released it in nearby Hinkson Creek.
If you could beat up anyone in the world and get away without the usual annoying real-world consequences -- jail time, lawsuits, bad press, etc. --who would it be, and why?
Nick Sakes: Dennis. My friends know who I'm talking about. It probably wouldn't help Dennis, but I would really like it.
What's the biggest risk you've ever taken? Why did you take it?
Nick Sakes: Having a child felt pretty risky. I'm not sure it was risky. I risked....uh, my freedom? (I think I might have lost! But that's okay.) I took the risk because I felt like it was sort of my duty or something like that. I'm very glad I did.
It's better to regret something you have done than it is to regret something you haven't done. What do you regret doing (other than agreeing to answer these questions)? Why did you do it?
Nick Sakes: I regret listening to the Butthole Surfers back in 1987, cranked to 11, high on acid, drunk as I could be while high on acid and then having the cops come to my apartment door and looking at them through the peephole! All the while my freaky roommate, Jason, is giggling in my ear.
Did you go to your high school prom? If so, who did you go with?
Nick Sakes: No. I never went to the prom.
What movie would you recommend to absolutely anyone? Why?
Nick Sakes: Midnight Cowboy. Because if they said they didn't like it, I could weed them out as a potential friend immediately. It's my secret friend test.
For reasons we won't bother going into right now, you're going to be locked in the back of a truck for a sixteen hour drive between gigs. If you could have any musician, past or present, back there to keep you company, who would it be?
Nick Sakes: John Forbes of Mount Shasta/Tijuana Hercules. I never tire of John's company. We once made a little movie a lot like Midnight Cowboy together. I tried to cook an egg with a lighter in an alley and he was swatting me with his hat. We were fishermen/hobos.
What is your strongest, most unshakeable belief?
Nick Sakes: That I was right. I was right....
What's the worst band you've ever heard? Why do they suck?
Nick Sakes: Worst bands are great, they do not suck. The Shaggs are pretty terrible, but goddamn I love them.
If you were a porn star, what would your "porn name" be?
Nick Sakes: Morphi Fofanna.
You're on your way to a show, and all of a sudden you find yourself in the middle of a huge four-way battle between pirates, ninjas, robots and intelligent apes from the future. Your only hope of getting to your gig is to pick a side. Who do you join, and why?
Nick Sakes: Ninjas. Because I probably wouldn't be turned into some sort of slave if I were in with the Ninjas. You know, honor and shit like that. Respect. They would take me in and train me. Develop me. They would work with me. The other groups would just abuse the crap out of me. I know, I have worked with some intelligent apes.
If you could sponsor any beverage -- appear in their ads, receive a lifetime supply and never be seen drinking a competing product -- what beverage would it be?
Nick Sakes: Sharp's non-alcoholic beer. It's the most beer-like non-alc beer there is.
What's the best venue you've ever played? What's the worst? Why?
Nick Sakes: The Tunnel in Milan, Italy when I was in Colossamite. They gave us an apartment to stay in after the show. The set up live radio interviews before the show. They bought me non-alc beer! The worst has to be the lovable TACOLAND in San Antonio, TX! The level of harassment by the local super-drunks was unbelievable, and this included the owner! It was kinda great, actually. But it does stand out as "the worst". It's the same as the worst band question -- the worsts are pretty cool, for the most part. God bless the shitbaggers!
What's wrong with Rolling Stone these days?
Nick Sakes: The magazine? I don't know. Is it different than when it was "kick-ass"?
Why are frogs amusing?
Nick Sakes: See previous shoplifting question.
You've traveled back in time and met yourself, age sixteen. What do you think?
Nick Sakes: I would think: "Why does this dork have no self-confidence!" "Stop trying to please daddy!" Stuff like that. And then I would tell him to get off his ass and ask a coupla girls out. He ain't bad lookin' at all!
Which would be worse: three hours on a bus full of four year-olds, or three hours on a bus full of eighty year-olds? Why?
Nick Sakes: As a parent, what can I say? The four year-olds for sure. Pure mayhem. I want peace. Parents always want peace.
The US government is considering far more aggressive regulation of leather pants. Under the new rules, who should or shouldn't be allowed to wear them?
Nick Sakes: I guess I'm supposed to say "fat people", right?
What, in your opinion, is the best porn?
Nick Sakes: Porn is bad. Porn sucks. It's depressing. Who are these shallow, desperate people in porn? They are the sons and daughters of moms and dads. But, amateur porn is totally okay!
Like in the Olympics.
What food item could you eat every day for the rest of your life without getting bored of it? What's so good about it?
Nick Sakes: Homemade pasta, maybe? God, I love it. Just one item? I'm confused.
Maybe some sort of cheese would be nice. A nice brie.
Will the next Star Wars movie suck? Why or why not?
Nick Sakes: Yes. Because I think the acting in the last two Star Wars movies was unbelievably awful and I doubt it'll get good all of the sudden.
How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?
Nick Sakes: One. I-94 in Wisconsin during February. It's like staring death in the face. It's the valley of the shadow death fer sure. I've seen so many destroyed cars and semis on that stretch of highway. We even have a new band policy that we won't travel to a show on the highway from the months of November thru April. There's always some crazy freezing rain and near death and, uh...no.
Everyone's replacing their least-favorite body parts with cybernetic ones. Which part(s) of your body would you replace?
Nick Sakes: My giant gut. Goddamn get that fucker offa me! I want a six-pack. Then I'm starting my amateur porn career.
What topics or statements would inspire you to call in to a talk radio program?
Nick Sakes: If the topic were somehow related to me and maybe the music I've been a part of, then I would feel like I had to call in. I used to listen to a lot of talk radio and now I don't because I work at home. I feel like I can think about better stuff than the usual hot topics. I think they just stir everybody up for no good reason. I was a way big Dr. Laura listener. I was hooked real bad on Dr. Laura. Now I'm much happier without her. I am my kid's dad, though. A threesome with Dr. Laura and Martha Stewart would be fantastic. Brutal sex. My wife has a great sense of humor.
You start saying stuff like that when you turn 38.
What album(s) should everyone be given on their eighteenth birthday?
Nick Sakes: The Butthole Surfers' Locust Abortion Technician.
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Sicbay's second album, Overreaction Time, is out now on 54°40' or Fight. The talented Mr. Sakes is also a former member of the Dazzling Killmen and Colossamite, which earns him our respect upfront, as does the whole stealing a Tiger Salamander thing.
-- George Zahora
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