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What band did you listen to most during the eighties? Do you still like them?
Armand Majidi: That would probably be the Bad Brains, and yes -- they're probably one of the best best bands that ever existed.
What is your worst memory of elementary school? Of high school?
Armand Majidi: It was pretty bad getting a failing grade from my Mom, who was my sixth grade history teacher. In high school, I realized too late that I had to get good grades to get out -- cutting class got me six extra months with no parole.
You're about to -- ahem -- get lucky. What album is playing in the
background? Why'd you choose it?
Armand Majidi: Whatever happens to be on -- because to make sure that everything is just so is kinda cheesy in my book. If I had a choice, something slow and relaxing, so I'd never find myself thrusting to the beat.
What was the first thing you ever shoplifted? Why did you take it?
Armand Majidi: Snack food -- because I was bombed and needed some junk.
If you could beat up anyone in the world and get away without the usual
annoying real-world consequences -- jail time, lawsuits, bad press, etc.
-- who would it be, and why?
Armand Majidi: Presently, I'd say President Bush -- but just to beat him up wouldn't really do the trick. I hope this doesn't put me on any CIA lists. I say this because I think he's the biggest embarrassment in the Oval Office, and he's the last spokesperson we need at such a delicate time.
What's the biggest risk you've ever taken? Why did you take it?
Armand Majidi: Probably asking my wife to get married after knowing her for one month. I took that risk because we just clicked, and thus ended my dating days of Seinfeld-esque nitpicking.
It's better to regret something you have done than it is to regret
something you haven't done. What do you regret doing (other than
agreeing to answer these questions)? Why did you do it?
Armand Majidi: I regret skipping college, but if I hadn't then I'd probably lead a mundane nine to five existence doing something I hated and answering to some asshole who I'd like to murder.
Did you go to your high school prom? If so, who did you go with?
Armand Majidi: I was lucky in that I graduated in January, and missed the whole goddamn affair. I didn't want to glorify my school in any way. I was far more bitter as a teen-ager, by the way!
What movie would you recommend to absolutely anyone? Why?
Armand Majidi: Fail Safe. It's an intelligent movie with a realistic view of an apocalyptic possibility. Not only that, but it was Dom DeLuise's first role!
For reasons we won't bother going into right now, you're going to be
locked in the back of a truck for a sixteen hour drive between gigs. If
you could have any musician, past or present, back there to keep you
company, who would it be?
Armand Majidi: I could romanticize and bring back some fallen icon, but I'll be practical and answer this: One of the dudes from Orbital, so I could pick his brain and learn how to make electronic music.
What is your strongest, most unshakeable belief?
Armand Majidi: That you should try never to do anything you have to apologize for.
What's the worst band you've ever heard? Why do they suck?
Armand Majidi: I've hated many bands in my life, but for that reason I've also forgotten who the hell they are.
If you were a porn star, what would your "porn name" be?
Armand Majidi: Cock Broccoli -- I'd get genital warts and grow them to tremendous proportions.
You're on your way to a show, and all of a sudden you find yourself in the
middle of a huge four-way battle between pirates, ninjas, robots and
intelligent apes from the future. Your only hope of getting to your gig
is to pick a side. Who do you join, and why?
Armand Majidi: Judging by my Iranian heritage and excessive body hair, I'd have to join the apes because I'd assimilate easily.
If you could sponsor any beverage -- appear in their ads, receive a
lifetime supply and never be seen drinking a competing product -- what
beverage would it be?
Armand Majidi: ILLY coffee, a nice satisfying hot beverage. The proverbial serious gourmet shit.
What's the best venue you've ever played? What's the worst? Why?
Armand Majidi: I really like the layout of the Opera House in Toronto -- great for hardcore as long as there's no barricade. There was this club in Milan called The Rainbow that takes the cake for worst. After a sold-out show, they showed their appreciation by kicking us AND the promoter out, so they could get going with their disco party. The bouncers were itching to get a piece of us.
What's wrong with Rolling Stone these days?
Armand Majidi: I don't read it, because its content is all controlled by major label marketing money. They charge so much for ads that only the biggest labels can really hang. I might skip through it if it's around, but I wouldn't put more money in their pockets.
Why are frogs amusing?
Armand Majidi: Because they are by far the most blatty creatures on the Earth. Can you think of anything more blatty, except maybe a human egg?
You've traveled back in time and met yourself, age sixteen. What do you think?
Armand Majidi: Oh man, what a dirt ass. I'd appreciate my disrespect of all authority, society and fashion, but I'd try to encourage a shower or something.
Which would be worse: three hours on a bus full of four year-olds, or
three hours on a bus full of eighty year-olds? Why?
Armand Majidi: I suppose the eighty year olds would be worse, because they're set in their old world traditions. I'd rather play a part shaping the future than reliving the horrors of the twentieth century.
The US government is considering far more aggressive regulation of leather pants. Under the new rules, who should or shouldn't be allowed to wear them?
Armand Majidi: No-one should wear the skin of slaughtered animals if there's an alternative -- there, that's my little vegan crusade.
What, in your opinion, is the best porn?
Armand Majidi: Not too many close-ups, no silicone, not lingering on any one act, and avoiding guys' sex faces altogether.
What food item could you eat every day for the rest of your life without getting bored of it? What's so good about it?
Armand Majidi: Textured soy protein from Taiwan -- the food that made me realize that I could go vegetarian and not miss meat.
Will the next Star Wars movie suck? Why or why not?
Armand Majidi: It won't suck because it'll be about Darth Vader, and the attraction of the Dark Side. I just hope Lucas hires some decent actors, and allows for some natural dialogue. That would be nice.
How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?
Armand Majidi: The roads of humility, hard labor, responsibility and morality. Four roads that most people choose to avoid in combination.
Everyone's replacing their least-favorite body parts with cybernetic
ones. Which part(s) of your body would you replace?
Armand Majidi: My nipples, because they serve no purpose whatsoever. I'd have them replaced with gills, so I wouldn't live in fear of the ocean.
What topics or statements would inspire you to call in to a talk radio
program?
Armand Majidi: Usually I get worked up about the misunderstandings between middle America and the Middle East. Religion plays such a big part in things nowadays; something that's meaningless unless it's personal and spiritual -- and the organized variety makes me sick enough to want to voice my opinion.
What album(s) should everyone be given on their eighteenth birthday?
Armand Majidi: Bad Brains' ROIR Sessions. It's such a great example of melody worked into furious music.
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Sick Of It All's latest -- an installment in Fat Wreck Chords' Live In A Dive series -- was released in August (watch for our review, which should run any day now). They'll be on the road throughout September.
-- George Zahora
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