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You've been given a robot that can be trained to perform one standardized
task perfectly, as often as necessary. What do you train it to do?
Dan Phillips: Answer the phone and take messages for me.
You are seriously ill. There are two vaccines that will save your life,
but both have side effects: one will permanently eliminate your sense of
taste, and the other will permanently eliminate all feeling in your
genitals. Which vaccine would you choose?
Dan Phillips: Who needs to taste? If you couldn't taste you could eat anything. I will keep my genitals.
Somehow you've gotten into a fight with someone twice your size. Where do
you aim the first punch?
Dan Phillips: I punch myself.
The "fast-forward" and "skip" buttons on all your stereo equipment are
broken, and you can't afford to repair them right now. For the time being,
you can only listen to albums from beginning to end, without skipping any
songs. What albums in your collection are still listenable?
Dan Phillips: Willie Nelson's In the Beginning, anything by CCR, Dear You and 24 Hour Revenge Therapy by Jawbreaker, that new Slowride record, and pretty much anything I have except the stuff I don't like anymore. Wait...what was the question?
If given the perfect opportunity to be unjust, would a just person succumb
to it?
Dan Phillips: Yes. No. Yes.
You've been asked to write the Encyclopedia Britannica entry on
yourself. What does it say?
Dan Phillips: A beautiful specimen of a brilliant mind accompanied only by features molded in the likes of god himself.
You've somehow been given the chance to spend the day with a character (not
an actor) from any film or television program. Who do you choose?
Dan Phillips: Martha Stewart -- what a fox.
If you could instantly learn to play one instrument that you don't
currently play, what would it be?
Dan Phillips: The pedal steel.
The people of the town where you were born want to name a building after
you. They've asked you to choose the sort of building that best matches
your personality. What kind of building do you choose?
Dan Phillips: The jail house.
What month of the year do you least anticipate? Why?
Dan Phillips: I hate June. It just is dumb.
What animal would you most like to house in your back yard, if you could?
Dan Phillips: A dog that doesn't piss or shit. And eats grass -- so I don't have to mow.
When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Dan Phillips: A woman.
If you could buy any rare collection in the world, which collection would
you choose? (This doesn't have to be a famous collection...but it can be.)
Dan Phillips: I would buy money.
What's the best advice you've ever received? Who gave it to you?
Dan Phillips: Use baby wipes when you poop. Very nice. I think Shannon told me that one.
You've been invited to perform as the middle act in a three-act bill. You
get to choose the other two artists. Who opens for you, and who follows you?
Dan Phillips: The Sprague Brothers open up, then Slowride and then The Cramps.
You've been placed in the Witness Protection Program, and must change your
name. You're able to pick your new name. What do you call yourself?
Dan Phillips: Black Popeye.
What lesson should the world learn from the failure of all those dotcom
businesses?
Dan Phillips: Don't believe the hype / trust no one.
What steps should airlines take to help avoid a repeat of the September
11th tragedy?
Dan Phillips: I think they should stop flying planes. It is so stupid.
What is the greatest invention of the last ten years?
Dan Phillips: Scented trash bags.
Thanks to a breakthrough in technology, you can have a perfect
memory-recording of one event in your life. Everything is included --
taste, smell, sound, vision and feeling; it basically means that you can
relive the event over and over again. What event would you want to relive?
Dan Phillips: Seeing my dad kick a kid who pushed me.
What toy from your childhood would you most like to track down now?
Dan Phillips: My penis.
Assuming that money, legality, etc. is no object, what is your intoxicant
of choice?
Dan Phillips: Tons of weed.
Which is more dangerous in the wrong hands -- guns or knowledge?
Dan Phillips: Knowledge, fool.
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Slowride are still on Deep Elm. They just released a Split EP with labelmates Red Animal War. We doubt they'll stop there.
-- George Zahora
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