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Kelley Stoltz succumbs to our Pointless Questions
kelley stoltz
Kelley Stoltz


Why not visit the Telegraph Company website, then read Splendid's review of The Past Was Faster and buy it at Insound?

IF YOU COULD ELECT A MUSICIAN AS PRESIDENT OF THE U.S. (OR LEADER OF YOUR HOME COUNTRY), WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

Kelley Stoltz: For freedom of livin', Frank Zappa springs to mind. As does Prince, though 1999 was really his best chance at winning. How about Gary Burger, lead singer of the Monks? He's been seeing through the bullshit for 35 years. I think Bjork might do, too...the world would be changed to nerf mushrooms and teddy bears.

HAVE YOU EVER SHOPLIFTED? WHAT DID YOU TAKE AND WHY?

Kelley Stoltz: I once stole cucumber from the Farmer Jack supermarket. It was shoved down my pants to better allow my friends and I to reenact Spinal Tap. I figured no one would stop me.

NAME A BOOK THAT MADE YOU CRY, AND TELL US WHY.

Kelley Stoltz: None really made me cry, several have moved me profoundly. Herman Hesse's Glass Bead Game contains three short stories at the end that I read and re-read and they always leave me feeling a bit choked up. I think he's a master. They're just the greatest short stories ever.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FORM OF EXERCISE?

Kelley Stoltz: Three toe touches every morning. Then a mad scramble to the nearest cafe.

NAME THREE SITUATIONS THAT WOULD BE MUCH FUNNIER WITH THE ADDITION OF MONKEYS.

Kelley Stoltz: Baseball. Any activity really. I'd like to try locking 57 monkeys in a room of typewriters and test that law of averages bit, to see if they really might write a novel on the caliber of Dostoyevsky, if given enough time and bananas.

IF YOU COULD ISSUE ONE ALBUM OR ONE BOOK TO EVERYONE IN THE WORLD ON THEIR THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY, WHAT WOULD THE ALBUM/BOOK BE?

Kelley Stoltz: A bootleg, On Strike by Echo and the Bunnymen. It was recorded in some tiny bar in Scandinavia in 1984. The band opened for themselves with a set of covers, and they're having lots of fun. You go through the covers find out who does them originally and go buy those records. Its a great way to get exposed to incredible music. It's got Modern Lovers, Television and The Litter among others. It really perked up my ears at a young age. Anyone willing to do the detective work would get turned on to great stuff. And that's what you should do at 13.

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE SHOPPING ONLINE? IF SO, WHAT DO YOU BUY?

Kelley Stoltz: Yes, dangerously so. I get lots of records on E-Bay.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH KIDS TODAY ANYWAY?

Kelley Stoltz: I work as a school teacher and the marketing of faddish, silly toys...Pokémon, Tamagotchi (virtual pets), Beanie Babies...it sends kids off on an awful consumerist road. The yo-yo came back, only for a month or two and that I liked, but kids are getting manhandled by the marketers, telling em they've "gotta catch em all". I wonder what the future holds.

TELL US ABOUT YOUR PETS. IF YOU HAVE NO PETS, MAKE ONE UP.

Kelley Stoltz: I had a guinea pig named Pappy, who could do an uncanny squeak along to "Delirious" by Prince. I'd be loath not to mention my Dragon, Otis, who is out mowing the lawn right now.

NAME AN OBJECT YOU OWN THAT HAS LITTLE MONETARY VALUE, BUT THAT YOU WOULDN'T SELL FOR A MILLION DOLLARS.

Kelley Stoltz: I met this wonderful old fellow, Sid, at a wedding last fall. We talked about his incredible life and he really came to like me. He gave me a token from the old Santa Monica Fairgrounds from like 1932. It's cool and it brings me luck. I suppose I'll pass along a Chuck E. Cheese token to some kid someday and he'll treasure it too.

WHAT'S HARDER: PLAYING SOLO FOR AN AUDIENCE OF 1000 FOR AN HOUR, OR GIVING A 30-MINUTE SPEECH TO THE SAME AUDIENCE?

Kelley Stoltz: Well, I've played solo for over an hour and its nerve-rattling. Don't know about speeches. Depends what you're going on about.

IF YOU HAD TO BE TRAPPED IN A TV SHOW FOR A MONTH, WHAT SHOW WOULD YOU CHOOSE? AND WHY?

Kelley Stoltz: Star Trek. The old one. Getting to hang with Spock and seek out new civilizations...what a thrill. Probably spend it all down in the engine room sneaking Dewars with Scotty.

IF YOU COULD HAVE THE "ORIGINAL" OF ANYTHING, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Kelley Stoltz: I'd love to have been an original stand up comedian, like Lord Buckley or Lenny Bruce. Someone who took the stage and made people laugh and pissed off a lot of folks, too. To see the incredulous look on the faces off an audience completely unprepared for what you're about to unleash...

NAME A COMMERCIAL JINGLE THAT, FOR YOU, WAS CATCHIER THAN MOST POP SONGS.

Kelley Stoltz: In the mid 80's there was this commercial for Ford Taurus. It had really corny music and a triumphant "Taur-Us!" chorus. It drove me nuts but I remember my Dad and I singing it to each other for a week or two. Those Gap Christmas ads, last year, with all the people skating in slo-fast motion to that hip-hop, swing "On a Sleigh Ride Together with you..." song. I quite liked it.

IF YOU KNEW THAT BY NEVER LISTENING TO LOUD MUSIC AGAIN YOU'D ADD TEN YEARS TO YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU DO IT?

Kelley Stoltz: Yeah and I'd quit smoking too.

WHAT KIND OF PERSON WEARS THONG UNDERWEAR?

Kelley Stoltz: Newsanchors, both sexes.

IF YOU HAD TO GIVE UP ONE SENSE (SIGHT/SMELL/TOUCH/TASTE/HEARING), WHICH ONE COULD YOU MOST READILY DO WITHOUT?

Kelley Stoltz: Well, I just found out that Stevie Wonder lost his sense of smell after a car crash around the time of Innervisions. He did some pretty good stuff with only three of the five. I've got to have music...and I love to look at stuff. Food is good too. Imagine no coffee, or salsa. It'd probably have to be smell.

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Kelley Stoltz's The Past Was Faster remains one of our favorite albums of the year. If you haven't heard it yet, you should quit dicking around and buy it.

-- George Zahora



Splendid is always looking for artists and bands who can handle our Pointless Questions. We mostly do them by e-mail, so they're quick and painless, unless you can't type. E-mail us for more information! Your band could be next...


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