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You've been given a robot that can be trained to perform one standardized task perfectly, as often as necessary. What do you train it to do?
Scott Garred: Hmmm... record me so that I can experience the freedom of not sitting right in front of the tape deck all the time.
You are seriously ill. There are two vaccines that will save your life, but both have side effects: one will permanently eliminate your sense of taste, and the other will permanently eliminate all feeling in your genitals. Which vaccine would you choose?
Scott Garred: Interesting question and since I am seriously ill, it makes for a very
real possibility. I would chose the genitals. Don't ask any follow up questions, please.
Somehow you've gotten into a fight with someone twice your size. Where do you aim the first punch?
Scott Garred: Twice my size? I punch straight out and hope that he or she wasn't recently seriously ill and took the vaccine I would have taken.
The "fast-forward" and "skip" buttons on all your stereo equipment are broken, and you can't afford to repair them right now. For the time being, you can only listen to albums from beginning to end, without skipping any songs. What albums in your collection are still listenable?
Scott Garred: Richard Buckner's The Hill for sure, because it plays as one song.
If given the perfect opportunity to be unjust, would a just person succumb to it?
Scott Garred: Maybe just once?
You've been asked to write the Encyclopedia Britannica entry on yourself. What does it say?
Scott Garred: See last year's definition except add no feeling in genitals.
You've somehow been given the chance to spend the day with a character (not an actor) from any film or television program. Who do you choose?
Scott Garred: Alf.
If you could instantly learn to play one instrument that you don't
currently play, what would it be?
Scott Garred: The Chinese Pi Pa.
The people of the town where you were born want to name a building after you. They've asked you to choose the sort of building that best matches your personality. What kind of building do you choose?
Scott Garred: Easy, change Jim's Highland Grocery to Super XX Man's Highland Grocery.
What month of the year do you least anticipate? Why?
Scott Garred: August, because I live in Texas!
What animal would you most like to house in your back yard, if you
could?
Scott Garred: A 40 ft. tall Mini Schnauzer named Bruno.
When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Scott Garred: Alf or Evel Knievel, had he made the jump across the Snake River Canyon.
If you could buy any rare collection in the world, which collection would you choose? (This doesn't have to be a famous collection...but it can be.)
Scott Garred: Everything musical Sears ever sold.
What's the best advice you've ever received? Who gave it to you?
Scott Garred: Keep your chin up! My Mom.
You've been invited to perform as the middle act in a three-act bill. You get to choose the other two artists. Who opens for you, and who follows you?
Scott Garred: The Muppet Show to open. Weird Al to headline.
You've been placed in the Witness Protection Program, and must change your name. You're able to pick your new name. What do you call yourself?
Scott Garred: Alf-onso Weird Al.
What lesson should the world learn from the failure of all those dotcom businesses?
Scott Garred: Should have tried a comma or a semi-colon? I don't know.
What steps should airlines take to help avoid a repeat of the September 11th tragedy?
Scott Garred: Hmmm... Seriously, of course... Pay folks more money to do the really
important jobs in hopes that they will hire people with a good work ethic.
What is the greatest invention of the last ten years?
Scott Garred: The United Space music.
Thanks to a breakthrough in technology, you can have a perfect memory-recording of one event in your life. Everything is included --taste, smell, sound, vision and feeling; it basically means that you can relive the event over and over again. What event would you want to relive?
Scott Garred: Sounds silly, but a scooter ride with my gal on the way to eat gelato.
What toy from your childhood would you most like to track down now?
Scott Garred: An Evel Knievel car.
Which is more dangerous in the wrong hands -- guns or knowledge?
Scott Garred: Knowledge, of course.
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Scott Garred, all by his lonesome, is Super XX Man. His Volume V came out in the spring of 2001, so it's safe to assume that he's due to release Volume VI relatively soon -- especially since he doesn't have Silver Scooter to take up his time anymore.
-- George Zahora
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