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Various religions suggest that there's a "special" hell for certain sins (hurting children, being cruel to animals, using the word "blog" as a verb, etc). Who else needs a "special" hell?
Jack Turley: People who like feet!
Due to poor financial planning, you've got to eat for an entire week on only US$10. What do you buy, food-wise?
Jack Turley: Dr. Pepper and crap on the first day, and then starve and drink tap water!
What's the biggest misconception that people have about you?
Jack Turley: That I'm a magic tree.
What's the worst injury you've ever suffered for your art (i.e. second degree burns from shorted-out mic, broken leg from failed stage dive)? Tell us about it.
Jack Turley: Erm, we played with this band once years ago and the drummer was being a
dick and refused to move his drums! I used to sing a song and at the end
of the song I ran and just full on dived into his drum kit! He ran on
stage and tried to beat me up and it started a full scale riot in the club. It was funny!
You've got unlimited funding and technical expertise to make an IMAX movie on the topic of your choice. What do you choose? Describe the obligatory vertigo-inducing camera shot that makes the entire audience clutch their stomachs.
Jack Turley: A million pictures of my own face!
You've locked your car keys inside the tour van and don't have AAA. How do you get the door open?
Jack Turley: Break the window, get your wallet and phone, and call someone you know to come
down with a door opener thingy!
Ever find useful stuff in the garbage? Describe your best-ever dumpster find and how you used it.
Jack Turley: When I'm at home I look in dumpsters all the time and get most of my clothes from them, so I dunno really!
In the UK, trying to kill the Queen is still technically a capital offense. If the Queen tried to commit suicide and failed, could she be sentenced to death? Explain.
Jack Turley: That's like saying I wonder if the queen has a royal logo on her toilet
paper, and does she wipe her arse on it? Who cares, anyway? The old bag
is nearly dead.
If you were a 50ft high Tyrannosaurus Rex, would you use your powers for good or evil? Who would you go after first?
Jack Turley: For good! I'd take a shit on someone's car.
Editor's note: Fuck it! Most of the time I make some effort to turn people's replies into readable English, but it's about time you saw what it would look like if I didn't. The rest of Jack's answers are exactly as he sent them to us.
You've decided to write a musical. What's it about and who's the star?
Jack Turley: It's called dagerous leasions! and it satr charicter of the giant hand!
What's your favorite board game? Why do you like it?
Jack Turley: trivial persuit!! cause its a game of inteligence apose to luck
Everyone likes at least one cheesy/crappy song that totally kills their cred. What's yours?
Jack Turley: three of a kind! baby cakes!
The standard touring vehicle is always a beat-up van. What has been the worst/weirdest method of conveyance you've had to use on a tour?
Jack Turley: just taking bout four cars of gear to shows!
What was the best meal you were supplied by a tour venue? What was the worst?
Jack Turley: worst was haggis !! and the best being when we get dr pepper!!
Will it ever truly be possible to "rock the vote", or will apathy, indifference and laziness always triumph over activism?
Jack Turley: bless you!
You discover a new disease, "(Your name here)'s Syndrome". What are its symptoms? What is the cure for "(Your name here)'s Syndrome"?
Jack Turley: there is no cure and the symptons involve death!
You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about. What would you like to cry about?
Jack Turley: Purple spots on dogs balls!
If you could watch one historical event re-enacted by a cast of chimpanzees, which one would it be, and why?
Jack Turley: the battle at the somme it would be funny to see lots of chimps shooting
fuck outof each other!! with macine guns!!
What is the coolest tattoo you've ever seen (and don't choose one of your own)?
Jack Turley: i dont have tattos you fork !! the coolest one is my best friends !! he
designed it himself!!
How long after an unopened gallon of milk's "use-by" date has passed would you be willing to use it?
Jack Turley: i dont like milk!
What is the most unusual item you've thrown up on/in?
Jack Turley: i through up on a girl one while I was having sex with her!! it was all good
tho she didnt seem to mind!
Do you prefer the term "underwear" or "underpants"? What does that say about you?
Jack Turley: i prefer the term mike messina love pouch!
You've been asked to submit an anecdote or "tip" to a book called Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned On Tour With My Band. What do you tell them?
Jack Turley: to fu*k off
What basic freedoms are you prepared to give up in exchange for your and your family's safety?
Jack Turley: freedom to lie naked in long grass!
Due to a breakthrough in technology, it's possible to learn any skill, no matter how complex, pretty much instantly, by uploading the information directly into your brain (yes, like in
Jack Turley: to be able to fly !! that would be sick !!
Not to be morbid, but let's assume that (a) you've died, and (b) you filled out an organ donor card and potential recipients are lining up. Which part of your body do you think will be most sought-after? Are there any bits no-one will want?
Jack Turley: my dick! its small and frail like a old mini mafair!
A long-lost possession has turned up on Ebay, and you're prepared to pay much more than it's worth just to finally get it back. What is it? Why is it worth so much to you?
Jack Turley: i havnt lost anything and if I did I wouldnt care causeI'mnot a member on
ebay
You've been given the resources and financial backing to create a new satellite TV network that caters specifically to your tastes and the tastes of people like you. What's it called, and what does it show?
Jack Turley: its called friendvision and shows wotever the fu*k any body wants it to
show!
There are literally hundreds of euphemisms for masturbation. What's the best one you've heard?
Jack Turley: wanking!
Which is worse: downloading an album and burning copies for five friends, or shoplifting one physical copy of the same CD from an overpriced national retailer? Explain your answer.
Jack Turley: downloading !! its stealing from the company and will oneday if the
problem persists will begin the end to music industrys !
A few years ago, anal sex was still taboo; nowadays it's trendy. What will be the next major sexual taboo to fall?
Jack Turley: maybee in germany you batty boys!
What, in your opinion, is the best book ever written? And why?
Jack Turley: well I amcurrently reading a brief history of time by stephen hawking and
thats pretty super but the ar litraly hundrends of thousands of amazing
books!!
The USA needs a universal healthcare system. So far, no President has gotten anywhere near implementing one. Why do you think they keep failing? (Bonus: Outline your own plan for universal healthcare in 100 words or less.)
Jack Turley: who cares I have NHS
Right this very second, what are you most looking forward to, and why?
Jack Turley: going home and eating good food and actualy having freedom !!
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The Fight are... oh, who gives a fuck?
-- George Zahora
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