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You are seriously ill. There are two vaccines that will save your life, but both have side effects: one will permanently eliminate your sense of taste, and the other will permanently eliminate all feeling in your genitals. Which vaccine would you choose?
Kim Shattuck: I'm sorry, but I would choose death over losing either of those two sensations.
Somehow you've gotten into a fight with someone twice your size. Where do you aim the first punch?
Kim Shattuck: The throat.
The "fast-forward" and "skip" buttons on all your stereo equipment are broken, and you can't afford to repair them right now. For the time being, you can only listen to albums from beginning to end, without skipping any songs. What albums in your collection are still listenable?
Kim Shattuck: The Pixies' Doolittle, Weezer's Pinkerton, Frank Sinatra's This Time I'm Swingin'.
You've somehow been given the chance to spend the day with a character (not an actor) from any film or television program. Who do you choose?
Kim Shattuck: Tony Soprano. He's tough.
If you could instantly learn to play one instrument that you don't currently play, what would it be?
Kim Shattuck: The drums.
What month of the year do you least anticipate? Why?
Kim Shattuck: I don't much like January. Nothing ever happens then and the weather is really lousy.
What animal would you most like to house in your back yard, if you could?
Kim Shattuck: I like bears, but every time I go up to the bear cage at the zoo I start sneezing. Can you be allergic to a bear?
When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Kim Shattuck: The boss of the world.
If you could buy any rare collection in the world, which collection would you choose? (This doesn't have to be a famous collection...but it can be.)
Kim Shattuck: How about an entire mint collection of every Bowman Baseball card from 1948 to 1955.
What's the best advice you've ever received? Who gave it to you?
Kim Shattuck: Be yourself. -- Mom. Maybe it's not original, but most people don't follow that one. It makes a lotta sense to me.
You've been placed in the Witness Protection Program, and must change your name. You're able to pick your new name. What do you call yourself?
Kim Shattuck: Josalyn Nutsack.
What lesson should the world learn from the failure of all those dotcom businesses?
Kim Shattuck: It's easier to rob a bank.
What steps should airlines take to help avoid a repeat of the September 11th tragedy?
Kim Shattuck: Lock the damn cockpit. Inspect all of the carry on luggage all the time, not just random searches (this is unbelievably still happening right now.). Don't let the pilot walk around the plane, even to go to the bathroom! I don't walk around the car while I'm driving!
What is the greatest invention of the last ten years?
Kim Shattuck: Scanners and Photoshop™.
What toy from your childhood would you most like to track down now?
Kim Shattuck: I've tracked them all down already on Ebay.
Which is more dangerous in the wrong hands -- guns or knowledge?
Kim Shattuck: Guns.
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The Muffs have been fairly quiet since 1999's Alert Today Alive Tomorrow. God only knows what they're planning.
-- George Zahora
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